J a n u a r y…. The holidays are filled with magnificent bright colors and lights. Festive decorations everywhere make our hearts happy and put us in a cheery mood. When January comes it is all over. The lights are gone, the decorations all come down, and we are just left in the dark to sulk and think about the future ahead. It’s like the holiday bubble we lived in for two months finally popped and we are back to reality.
What is it about January that always feels like it’s the longest month of the year? The rest of the months flash by in the blink of an eye but then January comes and everything just freezes in time. It is as if we are experiencing a standstill. Why is it that time goes by so slowly in the month of January? It’s as if the month was given to us by god or the universe so that we could really take time to reflect about the previous year. In a way, it also gives us time to set our goals, hopes, and dreams for the new year ahead.
While having the time to do all of that sounds productive and bewildering, it’s also dark, lonely, cold, and you just can’t wait for it to end. Even though life goes by so fast the rest of the year and there never is as much time to live or to breathe.
January started off with the first blizzard of the year with below freezing temperatures. The skies were gray, they were so gray that I wasn’t even sure if there was even a sky up there anymore. The city streets were filled with dead old Christmas trees which once brought so much life to every living room in New York. You see the corpses of these trees as you linger down the streets, block after block. This is definitely not what you want to see after the “merry and bright” holidays. It’s just another reminder that the holidays are over and it’s time to get back to reality.
With all the time given, I can’t believe the amount of things I did in January. You would think that all that I did would’ve made the month go by faster but instead it still lingered and kept dragging.
I went on my first date in a while. He was a handsome man finishing medical school and soon to go on to fellowship. He picked a really nice place with windows that had views of the city skyline right in the heart of Times Square. His birthday had just passed so I decided to pay the bill. We were vibing and it was cool but I never heard from him again after that. I wasn’t crushed or cared really. I just really appreciated the ambiance and experience from the bar we went to.
I went on a weekend get away, took a mental health break, and even saw four different movies in the movie theatre. I had a golden girls themed slumber party with a friend (RIP Betty White). I survived Mercury in Retrograde. Oh and how can I forget? I survived the COVID omicron surge even after being exposed to it several times…My god! January felt like ten years not just one month. And through all of that I realized so much about myself.
I’m ready for major changes to occur in my life, and I really need to accomplish some goals this year. Things I have been putting off for so long. I am ready to tackle them. I know we all say this at the start of every new year, and I promise you I am not the type to set new year resolutions. But January was so very long that I didn’t have a choice but to really think about everything. It was so long that I couldn’t wait for it to be over but I was forced to reflect and think and start planning….
It’s time I focus on myself. I am taking a mental break from everyone. I’ve struggled my whole life to learn how to really focus on myself and put myself first. To really be able to sit and just think about me and only me. What do I want? What do I need? I want to find love but how can I focus on it if I am working 10-12 hours a day, sleeping about 4-5 hours a night during the week, and using my spare time on worrying about everyone else? I want so many other things in my life but I don’t use my spare time alone with myself as much as I should. I am not as selfish as much as I should be. And frankly on the weekends I need time to catch up on rest.
I am taking a break. I need to fix the negative things I am battling within myself that I don’t speak about often enough. I need some self care. The first step for me is by taking a break from my phone, from most of my friendships, and truly really being unapologetically selfish and going on a journey to really find myself and figure it all out. Apart of self care is taking a family trip to Vegas to see my queen Gaga this spring and from there go on a solo trip to LA where I hope I find peace and feel rejuvenated and figure a lot of things out.
My last solo trip was in 2019 when I went to Vegas and also went to the Grand Canyon and my god it helped me so much. I was in a darker place back then so I’m ready for part two of that journey and I think this time will be even better than ever.
With that said…As you all already know… Dating and putting myself out there has been a very interesting journey for me…
As I mentioned earlier I went on my first date in a long time…There is something about being in your thirties and trying to date in New York City. We already were forewarned when we were young kids while watching many iconic tv shows in the ‘90s….However it’s slightly different in the age of dating in the year 2022 and living through covid. Everything is done digitally. It’s as if there’s a bunch of dating apps out there and we are all on a handful of them swiping our lives away hoping to meet someone and make a connection with them. Hoping to find Mr. Right….And if and when you get lucky enough to go on a date and meet someone, most times different energies collide, and that’s the weird awkward part of trying to figure out if there is even any chemistry or a connection.
A lot of men on dating apps mention what they are looking for, but they almost never mention what it is exactly that they have to offer…
Oh COVID, why did you have to be so cruel that we even now have to rely on dating apps just to meet someone? Almost everyone I know is doing this…Whatever happened to meeting someone in a bar and finding that face to face attraction/connection? Not just that attraction based off of a profile picture? How do you even connect with someone based off of a picture? How do I know I even want to connect with him just because he looks cute? I guess I have to take a risk and just swipe right because of a picture and short self proclaimed “about me” description? ::sigh::
I truly believe that chemistry happens based off of energy. I don’t think it is something that can be forced or something you should try and make happen. It needs to happen on its own. I do wonder though after being single for four years if I will ever be able to feel that chemistry again… I don’t mind staying alone…
That sounded very depressing I know but please hear me out…After not caring for myself for so long, I’ve finally learned to do just that. I don’t believe in settling. There are some guys I’ve met that I am sure had potential and I perhaps messed it up, but if I don’t feel that chemistry I can’t force my energy into it. Attraction is important, chemistry is important, but most importantly boundaries are important. Once you feel the chemistry your boundaries become the ultimate test and you have to see if there is at least potential to even meet in the middle.
When using dating apps you meet all types of men. Some are clingy and want to rush into a relationship. Some just send dick pictures or ass pictures but don’t even show you their face because they are closeted. Some are trying to rush into sex and to come over to your place. Some are just bots or scammers trying to make you their sugar baby. All of this is really hard for someone like me whose just trying to look for someone to vibe with and see where it goes before rushing into anything.
The thing that pisses me off the most are the guys who disappear but always come back. They come back days, weeks, even months later. They say a few things in the chat on the app and then disappear from the app after only a few minutes of being logged on, and keep reappearing out of nowhere again. Honestly I can only assume those men already have someone at home and are just players. I believe it because nine times out of ten they also are really hot.
I’m also tired of meeting men who are still best friends or attached to their exes. It’s been the story of my life honestly and I just am completely over it. One guy I was vibing with, he was cute, a little bit younger, but I did think he was attractive so I decided to give him my number.
He starts asking about my past and I normally don’t want to get into it right away but I decided to share a little bit with him. Then he tells me a whole story about how he and his ex husband are still best friends. They never had a bad relationship, were together seven years, ended on great terms, and only broke up because they wanted different individual plans for the future.
He tells me how they are still so close and how he still has keys to their old house and shows up unannounced and even made a comment like “it’s probably not healthy that I’m still this close with him and I probably will have to end the friendship once I find someone serious again”….
All of that was just too honest for me and just made me uncomfortable. It’s red flags that are right in my face and I don’t have the time or energy to even give that a chance. He told me all of this during our very first conversation. There definitely wasn’t a second conversation after that…
One guy I met on a dating app was great. We really were hitting it off. He loved Britney Spears, Madonna, and Lady Gaga as much as I do. We had so much in common and he was really cute. The only red flag at first was that he didn’t support the “Free Britney” movement and that alone should’ve made me see he wasn’t good for me.
But, despite that flaw, I couldn’t believe how much we were clicking and vibing and I was excited for the idea of possibly meeting him. We even sent each other nude pictures and I was feeling really attracted to him. We did this while also discussing how we were both old fashioned and don’t rush into sex. He was looking for something serious and so was I.
One morning he didn’t text me as he normally did. I didn’t think anything of it, but later that day I wanted to text him even though I had already texted him last. I usually get paranoid about double texting someone. I worry that if I text again after being the last person who texted that I may seem clingy or annoying. I don’t want to come off that way because that’s not who I am. But I still decided to text him.
I asked how he was doing and he responded that he had a really bad day….I asked what happened and he said: “So many reasons lol. Work was rough but then my ex snapped me and then we FaceTimed and it’s just like…..ugh”….That’s a direct quote by the way…
I chose to not respond….As I expressed to my friend after I got that text, am I the “still friends with/attached to my ex” magnet? Like come the fuck on man, I am not putting up with that shit ever again. I refuse. I understand that it’s common for people to be friends with exes, especially in the gay community, but call me “jealous”, “crazy”, etc but I’ve been more than open minded and okay with that in the past, just for it to cause several (and I mean SEVERAL) problems. So maybe I’m too traumatized to accept it, but I won’t. Especially not after a text message like that. If you’re not over your ex what are you doing on a dating app? That was such a red flag! Was I wrong to feel that way and ghost him after that?
I don’t get it. Then there are men who are in open/polyamorous relationships. Look I don’t want to sound like I’m judging people and to each their own but that is just not my thing. Again call me “jealous” or “possessive” but I am not looking to be apart of a throuple. I am not interested in threesomes especially in the age of COVID.
I know what I want. I have standards. I will not allow myself to settle. This goes back to why I can accept if I don’t find that chemistry ever again. I can accept being alone for the rest of my life. I will be happy being alone rather than letting myself settle for something I’m not happy with. Life is short. I can easily let a man in but just as easily push him out if it does not feel right. I have yet to find someone who feels right.
I am not one for something causal, but I’m learning to be okay with that as well. Recently I went on a date with a younger dude. He’s 27, 6 foot tall, bisexual, a basketball player by day, and a gogo dancer/aspiring singer and actor by night. He was gorgeous. We met after the super bowl at a bar…All I can say is too many drinks, a wild night out, $200 after he threw up all over the Uber ride home later (as Carrie Bradshaw would say) “and just like that”…. I woke up cuddling with him in my bed.
At first I liked it. I forgot what it was like to cuddle with someone. To be held tightly by a man and feel his (hung) erection against my ass cheeks as he holds me tight. Or to have him lay on my chest while I hold him tight. It was nice, we held each other’s hands and were very intimate for hours.
Eventually I heard him speak when I was sober and I realized he is only 27. I don’t think we have anything in common and his life style alone proves to me he probably is laying in several other peoples beds. Whether that be males or females. He is that attractive I am sure he can get both easily. I can be okay with that without being jealous. Without caring. It’s fine. It was Valentine’s Day and I had this man in my bed. Instead I could’ve been alone as I usually am. I’ll take it. But by 3PM I was ready for him to leave and for some reason he didn’t want to leave yet. It was one of those situations where it got awkward and I didn’t know how to ask him to go.
I will never fall for a man like this or make him my boyfriend. I have higher standards than that. Until I find someone who matches my standards I can put up with it. I’ll take his random texts days apart at 12am seeing if I’m awake so he can possibly come over. Why not? That was my exact mindset, and of course to be expected it slowly faded out and we stopped hitting each other up.
Self care isn’t always about going on a diet, or going to the gym, or going to the spa. It’s about caring about yourself and whatever baby steps you need to take to get there. You might start by setting standards and boundaries for yourself. Knowing what kind of men are worth your time. Taking time to yourself and away from everyone to really focus on yourself and your goals. Having some fun, exploring! No longer worrying about saying “no” or to tell people you need space for a while. No longer putting others before yourself and really putting yourself first and taking the time to learn how to do so.
Sometimes you need to be solo for a while to really learn how to cope with what you’re dealing with and to try and fix it and figure it all out. Sometimes if you’re single you need to be away from friends so that you can put yourself out there and meet new people, so you can maybe find someone along the way and have a little bit of fun.
With that said, it’s okay to be selfish my friends. Try it. If people feel some type of way, don’t understand, or can’t support you then they really are selfish and you don’t need em in your life! Life is too short. Do you and most importantly never ever settle. Until next time, see you soon folks.
The photo attached to this post is an old photo from ten years ago. I put it in this blog post for an old friend of mine who passed away recently. He loved this photo of me so much he asked me if he could put it in his blog at the time. RIP…
Louis Capici works in the health field and plays a role in saving lives. He writes on the side to express his views and thoughts on life.