Not Everyone Is Coming To The Future...

Not everyone is coming to the future
Not everyone is learning from the past
Not everyone can come into the future
Not everyone that's here is gonna last

Not everyone is coming to the future
Not everyone is coming from the past
Not everyone can come into the future
Not everyone that's here is gonna last 


I am tired of this. I am beyond over this. And I am sure almost every person with a brain feels the same way. For me I’m not sure what upsets me more, the virus itself or how irresponsible people are being because of it. I’m not sure what upsets me more, the virus or Donald Trump and his supporters....

People are actually protesting. They are protesting. I am giving up on this country. Healthcare workers risk their lives enough being exposed to this every single day. And now they are risking their lives even more by having to stand up against these protestors. I am sorry but if you think this is okay I want nothing to do with you. I have no shame in saying that. If you are reading this and feel the economy is more important than this situation and your selfish material life matters more than this situation, honestly fuck you and cut me out of your life. 

We are going through hell at work. It’s a war zone. We are seeing sick patients all day every day and body after body. We have to see this, try not to cry constantly and also fear for our health on top of it. But people that don’t experience it themselves or that haven’t gotten sick or have a loved one who got sick are so disgustingly selfish to understand this. 

How come we don’t hear about people protesting  and taking the streets in other countries? Are they doing this in Italy? I am so fucking over this country and the stupidity and I am sorry but with all I’ve been going through I am beyond ashamed and disgusted to be associated with anyone who has this embarrassing moronic mindset that makes us all look like fools in this country. Why should us people with brains all suffer because of you idiots? I can’t take it anymore. 

I have gone back to work after being sick, and everything I see with my own eyes is heartbreaking. You have to really have thick skin to be able to work in the health field. I’ve always had thick skin but obviously I do have a soul and my heart is not made of stone. So I am allowed to say how tough this all is.

I am angry. I am infuriated. My anxiety levels are higher than ever if it’s possible and I have gone through a whole lot in life. I have gone through a whole lot the past two years. I sit here constantly wondering when am I going to finally catch a break? I am trying to not breakdown or lose myself but it’s hard with everything I’ve already been through and now I have to fear for my safety and my health every single day. 

I give Cuomo credit because he has been doing a phenomenal job, better than our loser president. He begs and pleads with this man to give us the resources that we need, it should not have to be that way. I don’t understand how people don’t realize it or actually think it’s okay.

We still have lack of testing. We now have this antibody test which I was able to get. At least it’s something but it came out negative for me. The doctor explained to me that this doesn’t mean I didn’t have the virus. It could mean several different things. It could mean I didn’t have the antibodies to fight off the virus if I had it. It could mean I got the blood test too soon. Or it could mean that I never had the virus. 

The most accurate test would’ve been the actual Covid test and I should have gotten it when I was sick, but I’ll never know for sure. Fuck you Donald Trump, I am not even going to say what I wish would happen to him for the world to see. But trust me, I feel it in my gut. I’ve never hated someone so much in my life. But I am more disgusted by the fact that people support him. And each time someone in my life supports him, this is why it becomes personal. 

I am trying really hard to get it together. I went through a painful breakup, I went through friendships ending with people who should’ve been life long friends, and betrayals when I was at my lowest. I survived the worst depression of my life. And as I was finally healing and getting through it then this had to happen. Another test, another thing to challenge my strength and my mental health. 

Before all this, the only thing that was going well for me was my job. I worked my way to a great position and I was so happy for the most part. Now my job is the most nerve wracking, physically exhausting, and mentally draining thing I am dealing with. It doesn’t help that some of the people I’ve cut out of my life work there too and now I have to face them on top of everything else I am dealing with over there. It’s hell on earth for me. Literal hell between the people I have to see, the deaths, the illness, the exhaustion, and the fear of getting sick every single day. 

I am either experiencing exposure so close that it scares me constantly that I will end up the next patient whose on a ventilator for weeks before my body is put in a freezer truck. Or I am trying to not cry in a corner. Or I feel like I am going to faint from wearing two masks and carrying and lifting heavy boxes and carts filled with supplies throughout the hospital. 

Madonna has a song on her Madame X album called Batuka. Batuka is a song going against oppression and having hope for better days. In the music video it explains where Batuka came from: “Batuque is a style of music created by women that originated in Cape Verde, some say the birth place of slave trade. The drums were condemned by the church and taken away from the slaves because it was considered an act of rebellion. The women continued their singing and dancing and the Batuque lives on today”. 

We are not slaves at work. Our situation should never ever be compared to slavery. But I felt the power and meaning of the lyrics and chants in the song. We are like soldiers fighting this battle. This virus feels like it’s oppressing everyone. And obviously it is. We all have lost so many freedoms we have had and it’s causing so much pain. In a way I can understand why people are losing their minds and protesting. When your freedoms are taken away from you it can drive you crazy. It should definitely open peoples minds to what black people have been through in American history from slavery to today.

I literally envision my team and I singing and chanting the lyrics to Batuka throughout the day each time we are doing something grueling and exhausting. Each time we are putting our lives at risk and trying to get through it. I sing the song in my head over and over again and it actually gets me through the day. 

Lord have Mercy (Lord have Mercy)
Things have got to change (things have got to change)
There's a storm ahead (there's a storm ahead)
I hear the wind blowing (I hear the wind blowing)
Let me catch my breath (let me catch my breath)
Will we win this race? (Will we win this race?)
Swear the road is long (swear the road is long)
And the highway listens (and the highway listens)
'Cause it's a long way ('cause it's a long way)
It's a long way (it's a long way)
'Cause it's a long day ('cause it's a long day)
It's a long day (it's a long day)
I was up all night
I said a little prayer
Get that old man
Put him in a jail
Where he can't stop us (where he can't stop us)
Where he can't hurt us (where he can't hurt us)
We will stand tall (we will stand tall)
Underneath this tree (underneath this tree)
'Cause it's a
'Cause it's a long way ('cause it's a long way)
It's a long way (it's a long way)
'Cause it's a long day ('cause it's a long day)
It's a long day
But when we can stop it all (but when we can stop it all)
In the right way (in the right way)
Will we stand together? (Will we stand together?)
It's a new day (it's a new day)
So don't judge a human (so don't judge a human)
'Til you're in their shoes ('til you're in their shoes)
If you have a dream (if you have a dream)
Then you can't stop us (then you can't stop us)
Sing, "Hallelujah" (sing, "Hallelujah")
Say, "Amen" (say, "Amen")
Sing, "Hallelujah" (sing, "Hallelujah")
And say, "Amen" (and say, "Amen")

The part where she talks about the “old man” and says “put him in the jail” I am picturing Donald Trump.

I never signed up to be a soldier. It is not who I am. But a good friend of mine told me she’s always seen me as a soldier in a way. Because I’ve always been the person people would flock to for advice or for venting. I always put my problems to the side and put everyone else’s above mine. That sure did end up slapping me in the face so I don’t do that so much anymore. But here I am now, constantly putting my safety to the side as long as my coworkers who are older or have health conditions can stay safe. As long as patients can get better. 

I don’t want a medal or an award for this. I am admitting that although I am this type of person, this is not what I signed up for. And each night I lose sleep, and keep waking up in a panic throughout the night, and then have to battle my anxiety throughout the day to stay strong and make it through the day. I do this because I care about my coworkers, I care about my job, and I care about fighting to make this better in anyway that I possibly can. I will need a vacation after this.

A big shout out to the women and older women I work with breaking their backs right now. They are working so incredibly hard through all their pain and exhaustion. If anyone deserves a medal  it’s them. If anyone should be considered super heroes it’s absolutely them. 

I shaved my head. I can’t believe I did it myself, and at first it was very blotchy. I fixed it and it doesn’t look too bad. My hair was a mess and making me sweat and suffocate even more than I already do at work and I couldn’t take it anymore. So I shaved my head, now I look like a soldier for real. 

What’s crazy is as I put this story out there and my experience, someone will read it and think I am making this up. I’ve been pleading on dating sites for guys to stop meeting and hooking up. It’s truly disturbing how many guys profiles still say they are looking for sex or the amount of guys who have hit me up looking to hook up. I was really coming for the gay community over this but a lot of my girlfriends have told me they have been experiencing the same things. One guy called me a “manipulator” and that I am a liar, and coronavirus is not real. He said it’s the 5G network killing people. Sure....That totally wasn’t a knife in the back along with the amount of other knives that are in it due to this pandemic. Thank you sir.

One guy messaged me asking if we would be safe if we had masks on while fucking. And another yelled at me and said he was already tested and it came out negative so he can do whatever he wants. I wonder if they think wearing a mask would prevent HIV if they have raw sex? I wonder if they think if they get tested negative for HIV they can fuck whoever they want raw....

Another guy whose in an open relationship hit me up looking for sex. I went off on him and told him how selfish he is and irresponsible for looking for sex right now when he is in a relationship. His response: “fuck that”....

Then some guy came at me and told me this isn’t real. I am more likely to get the virus because of my weight and how fat I am and sent me a fake news article demanding I read it. People are so selfish that they will go above and beyond to embarrass themselves with this situation because they can’t keep their dicks in their pants. They are degrading and going off on a healthcare worker because they want the right to hookup with strangers and have sex. I hate humans and I am hating American humans more and more each fucking day. 

Listen, I’ve been social distancing long before this pandemic, and maybe that’s why it’s so easy for me to follow the rules. Over the past few years I’ve cut so many people out of my life and have been spending time with mostly myself. But if people can’t follow the rules because they don’t want to believe this is real, or they will lose their minds being stuck at home, or no matter what the reason is, it’s truly selfish. I get that it’s not easy, but staying home is the most important thing humans can do right now, and clearly it’s asking for too much. 

I have friends I see hanging out in groups and posting it in their Instagram stories. To me that’s a slap in the face with everything I am going through. People refuse to understand that the most vicious thing about the virus that makes it so hard to comprehend is that one person can have it and not have a single symptom. That person can pass it along to someone else who thinks it’s just a cold or flu like and then that person will pass it to someone who will end up in the hospital and possibly die.

This virus is so vicious with the spreading because so many have it and don’t even know it. It affects everyone differently no matter what their age is. So it’s selfish to not understand this. And this goes to the folks protesting or in a rush to reopen the economy. I mean what do they think is gonna happen when more people get sick and the numbers go back up? It’ll only prolong the economy being fucked and will only lead us to a great depression. Why does the economy matter more than human life? They don’t even realize their putting their own lives at risk. This is Darwinism happening before our very eyes folks. Again I’ve had it, and I will most likely social distance for the rest of my life. I don’t even want to date anyone after this at this point. 

Madonna has another song on Madame X called “future”. I chose to use the lyrics to open up this post with. Read top of post to refer to them. She also sings:

You ain't woke
Come here woke and hear the broken
Come give hope, come give life
Only get one, so we gotta live it right (gotta live it right)
Come make peace, oh
Come with faith and inspiration
Come complete you
Advice, positive vibes (positive vibes)
Open your mind (open your mind)
Open your eyes (open your eyes)


In order to get through this we need unity. Kind of like we had during 9/11 except we didn’t have an evil dictator dividing all of us back then. Although we still had a moron running the country but I would take him back in a heartbeat over this fucker. But we need to learn from the past in order to make it into the future. I mean there were other pandemics in history, it is beyond shameful people are trying to rewrite history over and over again with their stupidity. Again this is Darwinism though, so if people want to make it to the future they better learn from it. And if people don’t like what I have to say: 

We can light up the dark, everyone has a spark
Don't tell me to stop 'cause you said so (oh, yeah)
Your future is bright (bright), just don't turn off the light (lights)
Tell the sun not to shine (bright) 'cause you said so

One thing I think needs to get fixed is NYC. While I think Cuomo is doing a great job there are so many issues that are contributing to prolonging this only getting worse and putting all of us who have to work at even more risk, and I’m also at my wits end with all of those issues. 


When I first went back to work I was taking the subway trains. They were horrible. Homeless people have taken over the seats, spread out laying on them. Commuters are then forced to huddle and be on top of each other. On top of it, since any and everyone can take the trains, MTA workers started to get sick causing delays on the trains. The trains kept skipping my stop whether going home or to work, and what should be a half an hour commute ended up being over an hour making me late to work every day. 

I decided to switch to the express bus which is $62 a week. I can’t afford that but it feels safer than the trains. It also makes my commute a headache because it doesn’t leave me close to work. I have to either walk far or take other buses in between to get to where I am going. It is so frustrating and causes even more anxiety. It’s like I have to go through hell to get to hell on earth. I have tweeted, complained, and called 3-1-1 about the subway situation but nothing has progressed. It seems most of my coworkers have been going through the same thing. I will not be able to take this bus for much longer because it is expensive so I’ll have to go back to the trains soon.

I don’t understand how in New Jersey you get a special essential worker ID to use public transportation but NYC won’t do the same. The spreading is worse here than anywhere else in the world and this simple fixture can reduce the illness and deaths by so much. But no matter the pleas we are ignored. I am disgusted.

On top of that, I had an issue in my building where I had little to no water pressure for days. Obviously that’s really bad for someone in my situation who is so exposed and needs to rip my clothes off when I get in the door and run to the shower. 

It started with my building giving me an excuse and telling me it would be fixed right away. When it wasn’t and I waited a few hours it was late and I had to call security. Obviously I went off since I was fearing for my safety and I am still appalled by my experience with those security guards, which I have recorded. I was yelled at, hung up on, and lied to by them. Despite my pleas and me telling them I’m a healthcare worker. They were beyond disrespectful and rude and should lose their jobs with how they spoke to me. 

When this went on for days I was so embarrassed but was losing hope so I reached out to social media friends to help me by giving out my buildings email and phone number. I live in Parkchester housing in the Bronx and I am definitely calling them out for this...

I am so thankful to the friends and family who pulled it together for me and rallied behind me fighting to get my water back and running, because literally through all my complaints and calls every day I kept getting lied to. 3-1-1 was useless and I called them twice. I even put a letter by the elevator on my floor  asking everyone to please call and complain about the water pressure for their safety and mine since I’m a healthcare worker exposed to covid every single day. 

Once everyone rallied behind me and called and emailed, it got fixed. This is an issue that’s been reoccurring since I live here for six years and I have had it. This cannot happen now with this crisis. The level of disrespect I was given on top of it is so disgusting. And I tried reaching out to the security guards supervisor to complain several times and left a voice mail but never got a call back. So they got away with it. 

I need to thank those that helped me with this situation and also those who helped me with the subway situations. Tweets sent out from friends and family making phone calls to 3-1-1 to try and get it fixed. I will forever appreciate the help from everyone. Unfortunately the subway situation has not changed and I’ve been forced to just accept it. 

This is not how New Yorkers should be treated especially essential workers going through hell. We are going through enough hell. I know if anyone needs to go outside we are going to be exposed regardless but the conditions can and should be better. And it shouldn’t take days for a building to fix water pressure and to treat their tenants in the way I was treated on top of it, especially a healthcare worker whose on the front of the lines with this thing....

I’ve struggled with finding patience with situations my entire life. And it’s been tested over and over again. I am not sure why. Maybe because I’ve always been a compulsive complainer. Even about little things I should have never really complained about. It is my biggest flaw. Maybe this is karma. But at this point I get it. I feel selfish complaining about this whole situation because although I am going through hell at work I am not a nurse or doctor and they have to sit back and watch people slowly die all day every day. They are killing themselves battling this and I only see it from behind the scenes. 

I am just tired. I’m tired of Trump, I’m tired of these moronic governors reopening states or pushing to, I’m tired of these people who are protesting, I am tired of what life has turned into. I am tired from all the things I have been through back to back over the past few years. 

One thing I am proud of myself for is that I am still breathing. There were many times I came close to taking my own life through all the hardships and I didn’t. And I’ll never feel like I’ll want to kill myself ever again. Trust me, because right now I’m taking every possible measure there is in order to survive and be alive throughout this scary thing. 

From taking vitamins, washing my hands constantly to the point they have burns on them, wearing masks, and social distancing. A whole routine when I get home of taking a long hot shower and cleaning and wiping all of my things and my apartment down. From counters to handles and knobs. It’s exhausting every day after a long day at work. Survival has become the motive above all else. I hope it’s the same for everyone else. 

Be safe everyone, share your stories and get it off your chest if you’re having a difficult time right now. Mental health is important and holding things in will make this situation harder than it needs to be. Stay strong, be safe, stay home, and vote for Biden in 2020 please. Thanks. 

Songs to go with post:

Future-Madonna Ft. Quavo Madame X Tour version:
​www.youtube.com/watch?v=re1MxAjkeNY

Batuka-Madonna: 
www.youtube.com/watch?v=nU2eApGw_TU