Sine From Above

Part 1 The Rose...
Some say love, it is a river, that drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor, that leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger, an endless aching need
I say love, it is a flower, and you, its only seed
It's the heart afraid of breaking, that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking, that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken, who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dying, that never learns to live
When the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long
And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter, far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed, that with the sun's love in the spring becomes the rose-The Rose Bette Midler 
www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxvPjuREDpE

“Vulnerability is terrifying. The courage it takes to reveal your heart is one of the most daunting, yet rewarding experiences in life. It will set you free”-The Better Man Project...


Vulnerability....I feel like I came out of the womb vulnerable. A young, sensitive soul longing for love and affection from those around him. Most importantly seeking acceptance. Thirty years later, and through the many things I’ve been through, I find myself more vulnerable than ever. The vulnerability is so strong it has caused me to be very self destructive and make horrible decisions throughout my life....Yet it’s a blessing as much as it’s a curse because I always speak my truth and everything that happens occurs because it’s supposed to.

When I became single for the first time in years I remember the things my family would tell me to try and make me feel better. The biggest thing I was told over and over again was that I was young, handsome, have a whole life ahead of me, and I will find someone new. I was told this over and over again. 


The one thing I always struggled with was knowing that I’m handsome or good looking. Low self esteem, insecurities, and suffering from body dysmorphia have clouded my perceptions of myself. Unfortunately these insecurities played a big role in my last relationship. While I was hurting for many reasons that I will always justify that also contributed to my issues, I know there were times I was overly sensitive or overreacted to certain things due to my deep rooted insecurities which were and  are ruining my life. 

One thing I was able to learn over the past two years of being single, is that my family was right about one thing, I can indeed find somebody else. Men are attracted to me despite my flaws, my body, despite the things I hate about myself, men see something in me that most of the time I cannot see within myself or understand no matter how much I try. 

I think everyone assumed that once I would figure this out I would be happier and feel better about losing the love of my life. I think they thought that once I would realize I can find someone else, I would choose someone and settle and move on with my life. 

Well it doesn’t work that way....

Part 2 Rain on Me...

This has been a shit storm of a year, raining never ending shit coming down on all of us since this pandemic happened. I got sick just as this blew up, I then had to return to work and had to be a front line worker fearing for my life every day, coming home and just crying my eyes out, seeing sickness and death all day every day. I had already struggled the past two years mentally and emotionally trying to move on from things I went though, and just as I was starting to heal and move on, the world decided to start falling apart. 

As things started to get better with the pandemic and as I wasn’t dealing with it as much at work anymore, my grandmother got sick and passed away. I think that was the hardest thing I had to go through, worse than anything. I was very close to her, it was the first death I experienced  where I felt like apart of me had died too. She was sick and suffering for a long time so maybe after already going through everything I had, I just was overly sensitive and couldn’t take it anymore. 

I almost feel like I don’t have a soul anymore because I’ve become so numb to everything. After dealing with her death, my apartment building decided to raise my rent thirteen percent. I cannot afford this increase. They did this to me knowing I no longer have a roommate and during a pandemic on top of that. So now I have to worry about how I’m going to continue to survive and get by with this unethical rent increase all the while trying to pay other bills and have money for groceries. 

I am tired. I sometimes feel like I keep losing and like I’ve lost everything. 

For some reason though I am realizing that through all this pain and suffering, somehow I am winning. The storm has not stopped. It’s like a never ending hurricane. “I’d rather be dry but at least I’m alive”. At this point I’m here for it. I’m ready, rain on me....

Living in a world where no ones innocent,
oh but at least we try. 
Gotta live my truth, not keep it bottled in. 
So I don’t lose my mind....
www.youtube.com/watch?v=AoAm4om0wTs

I didn’t realize there was going to be a storm today. I did not have an umbrella. When I stepped out of work at four pm it was so dark out and windy as hell. The thunder made the streets shake. I was petrified. I found a cafe underneath a scaffolding and I decided to get a kombucha and sit there and try and wait it out. It wasn’t till I realized it wasn’t going to stop for hours that I decided to brave the storm and get soaked in the rain. I instantly played “Rain on Me” by Lady Gaga and Ariana Grande and I danced in the street by myself.

I’ve honestly been so stressed and overwhelmed with life between Covid, my grandmother’s death, and other personal life struggles. I’ve tried so hard to stay strong through life’s obstacles which have felt never ending for me the past few years let alone past few months. It’s taken a whole lot of strength to not completely lose myself or spiral backwards and relapse to how I was last year. 

Being stuck in that rain for some weird reason felt so good. I felt every lyric in that song. I realized I was holding so much in the past two years and I could no longer do that. I needed to speak up before I completely lost my mind.  I felt the stress and anxiety of everything leave my body for just a few moments and it felt amazing. Something I felt scared to do and it was as simple as just walking through a rain storm and it ended up being the most exhilarating thing I’ve experienced in months. Which is probably sad since there’s little to no excitement these days. But at least it gave me the strength I needed to speak my truth. 

Normally I’m scared to take my mask off in public places but there was no one in the streets so I decided to take it off for just a few minutes and breathe it all in. Take in the rainy, wet, fresh air. And it felt amazing. Never realized how good fresh air felt till we had to start wearing masks, even if it’s humid and rainy air. 

Part 3 Sine From Above

Lately, I’ve been on a spiritual path. I light incense every night, sage my apartment, light palo santo and candles, read tarot cards, and meditate. I listen to music to heal my soul. Going through everything I have could’ve gone one of two ways: I hit rock bottom and kill myself, or I find meaning to life and everything I’ve gone through and live....

I’ve been looking for many signs lately through all these hardships and I keep coming across them and I know it’s all for a reason. I believe my grandmother is with me always.  I’m just trying to process everything and figure it all out. Trying to figure out what’s right and wrong, should I take risks where I can initially get hurt again? Will I be stronger this time?

I’ve come to terms with a lot of things, I’ve realized a lot of things, and I know what I wish, dream, and hope for. Even if in reality it’s not what’s best, it might not happen, and I might get hurt, it still feels right. I think I finally at least figured out what my issue has been all along. This is why I started this blog in the first place. Part of it was to channel my inner Carrie Bradshaw while I chase Mr. Big and talk about the heartache he put me through and single life in my thirties living in New York City.


But the main reason for this blog, I’ve said it over and over again... It wasn’t to play victim, be cruel, or get revenge...It was to start a healing process for myself and find closure with why I was so hurt and upset by everything that had happened. Also to have an outlet to remind people to ARREST BREONNA TAYLOR’S MURDERERS...

When I was young, I prayed for lighting
My mother said it would come and find me
I found myself without a prayer
I lost my love and no one cared
When I was young, I prayed for lightning
Yeah, I looked
With my face up to the sky
But I saw nothing there
No, no, nothing there
Yeah, I stared
While my eyes filled up with tears
But there was nothing there
No, no, nothing
I heard one sine from above
I heard one sine from above
Then the signal split in two
The sound created stars like me and you
Before there was love, there was silence
I heard one sine
And it healed my heart, heard a sine
Healed my heart, heard a sine
Healed my heart, heard a sine
When I was young, I felt immortal
And not a day went by without a struggle
I lived my days just for the nights
I lost myself under the lights
When I was young, I felt immortal
Yeah, I looked
With my face up to the sky
But I saw nothing there
No, no, nothing there
Yeah, I stared
While my eyes filled up with tears
But there was nothing there
No, no, nothing
I heard one sine from above
I heard one sine from above
Then the signal split in two
The sound created stars like me and you
Before there was love,  there was silence
I heard one sine
And it healed my heart, heard a sine
www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9GUJ7Wqy3A

When I was young I wanted to be accepted. I was an outcast, I was a nerd who didn’t have many friends and was over four hundred pounds. I hated myself. I used to call myself a monster and I wished I would die. I identified with the book Frankenstein because I felt like the monster in the book who just wanted to be accepted and wanted to be loved...

That’s all I cared about. I prayed that someone would look at me, be attracted to me, but also care about me with everything in their soul. “I prayed for lightning” as Gaga sings in her song. I wanted so badly to feel one with the world and feel good about myself.

Being overweight and unattractive as a kid into early adulthood, I never thought that could happen. Then I lost weight and felt like I was on top of the world. I felt immortal. I would party till the break of dawn seven nights a week, I hooked up with a lot of guys and went on a lot of dates. But when guys liked me I didn’t understand why. I still felt like that four hundred pound, ugly monster and no matter what I couldn’t get past it. I would obsess over my looks and cry every time I looked in the mirror. Even when I was at my thinnest. I didn’t think I would ever find true love because who would want someone as hideous as me?

To suppress those feelings I lived the night life. I drank and partied hard. I drank my sorrows away and danced on tables, danced all night long till the sun would come up. I experimented with drugs and just lived the high life. I went to every club with a fake ID. When I’d walk the streets of New York City, no matter where I would go, I’d always run into someone I knew. 

 “I lived my days just for the nights, I lost myself under the lights”. 

Life was a party and nothing mattered anymore. Except something always did feel like it was missing... 

As I was maturing I realized the party life was missing meaning. I still felt empty inside and so alone. Even if I had five hundred friends.  Even if I had the looks and guys liked me. Because obviously I didn’t realize I had the looks. But the truth is despite my crazy insecurities, I did have self respect. I didn’t settle for just anyone. When I dated guys it was short lived because the second something didn’t feel right or if they were unkind to me, or I didn’t feel the connection, I ended things right away and easily. 

I always did this, and I do this even now. 

For some reason I forgot about that...I think the death of my grandmother brought out the signs I needed that I was looking for. It made me realize so much. I kept looking for a sign for as long as I can remember but here it was right in front of me...

I didn’t go through everything I did in my past relationship because I didn’t have self respect. I did have self respect. I didn’t blindly look the other way when things happened that hurt me not because I didn’t love myself. I did love myself.  I didn’t take all that I did because of my insecurities, or my mental issues (well possibly yes to the mental issues)...

I took it all because I was in love. Not a fake kind of love where someone settles because they don’t want to be alone. Not the fake kind of love where someone is so desperate they will date anyone and just anyone. No this was real, it was pure, it was brought to me from the universe. It wasn’t forced, it happened naturally, it was meant to be. 

“Then the signal split in two, the sound created stars like me and you”...

Initially I met this person (let’s call him “Mr. Big” why not?) online but I had little to no interest. I was twenty years old, I wasn’t sure what I wanted out of life, and I had already tried dating someone for a short period of time who was actually emotionally and physically abusive and I was scared to try it again. It was so easy to cut that abusive person off once they messed things up. 

I was basically window shopping when it came to men and dating. Sometimes I’d go on more than one date in a single day, never mind how many I went on throughout the week. 

I was online dating just to chat, and with most guys, I’d give them my number, but never save them in my phone. And it did get that far with my Mr. Big. I had his number but didn’t save him in my phone. I eventually stopped responding to his texts. I truthfully wasn’t interested. I was just...Window shopping... And I forgot about him completely.

Till one day, a long while after that, a hot summer day in early August, the universe brought us together and I know that happened for a reason. I was out with friends walking around New York City in the union square area going to movie theaters seeing if there was anything we’d be interested in seeing. It was completely spontaneous. We went to a theatre nearby and  there he was, right in front of me. The man I ignored when he tried to get to know me. Mr. Big himself in the flesh....

At first I couldn’t quite figure out where I knew him from, that’s how much I forgot about him, but I knew instantly I was infatuated with him. He looked at me and gave off this energy to me that had me stare at him in shock as if he were a celebrity and I was star struck. As if he were in fact Mr. Big. I turned bright red, my pulse was racing and my heart was beating so fast. My friends saw my reaction and they encouraged me to go up to him. But I couldn’t remember who he was right away plus it looked like he was on a date with someone else. 

I missed the opportunity to approach him as he walked into the movie theater, but I knew we saw each other. I never thought of it as love at first sight, because I never believed it was possible, I don’t think I realized till now that in fact it may have been just that for me. I was so pathetically scared to go up to him. 

Later on, I figured out who he was, and thank god I was never the type of person to delete texts, because I had a lot of scrolling to do in my phone to find his number, especially since I didn’t save his name as I didn’t with any of the other boys I was casually talking to. And there he was. 

I waited hours, something was holding me back and I felt scared, especially since I ghosted him. Especially since I wasn’t sure if he had a boyfriend. But after a few hours, late at night, I texted him and I asked him if it was him and he wrote back immediately as if he were waiting the whole time for me to text him and he confirmed to me that it was him....

He asked me why I didn’t say hi and I told him because it seemed like he was on a date so it felt weird. He told me he was on a date but that it was horrible and immediately asked to go on a date with me. This shocked me because I was scared he would’ve found me unattractive that day. I had on ripped denim shorts, filthy white vans, and a sex pistols t-shirt. I was so grungy and needed a haircut. I swore I looked like a hot mess. 

I told him I wanted to go on a date with him but wanted to speak on the phone first so that we could get to know each other a little bit. He tried calling me then and there but it was late and I had to work early the next morning so I told him we’d talk the next day. I was twenty years old, but I was still responsible and mature to an extent. Also was just mostly nervous as hell. 

We spoke on the phone the next day for hours. We hit it off right away and I knew the first date would be a success. However, I was feeling very nervous because I felt like I liked him already. Compared to the other guys, I didn’t think I ever felt this exact way. It took a lot for me to like someone, no matter how good looking they were. I didn’t believe it was possible to like someone so fast either. With this guy, everything was different. 

I had butterflies in my stomach, I was so excited that it made me scared. I never get nervous for dates but for this I was. I knew I couldn’t sleep with him right away because if I did I would catch feelings even harder, I mean he was gorgeous and I had intense feelings. And I didn’t want to get hurt. So I made up a story and told him I had plans that evening to help a friend move (she already moved the day before) and that I could meet him for a few hours to get a drink. 

I remember he had on this orange graphic t-shirt and had on jeans, and I just thought he was the most adorable geeky man in the world. I couldn’t believe he was interested in me. I took him to a lesbian bar called Cubby Hole  and from there we hit it off and the rest was history....

Part 4 One Thousand Doves...

I need you to listen to me, please believe me
I'm completely lonely, please don't judge me
When your tears are falling, I'll catch them as they fall
I need you to listen to me, please don't leave me
I'm not perfect yet but I'll keep trying
When your tears are falling, I'll catch them as they fall
'Cause inside we are really made the same
In life, waiting's just a stupid game
Lift me up, give me a start
Cause I've been flying with some broken arms
Lift me up, just a small nudge
And I'll be flying like a thousand doves
I'd do anything for you to really see me
I am human and visibly bleeding
When your smile is shaking, I'll catch you as you fall
I cry more than I ever say
Each time your love seems to save the day
Lift me up, give me a start
Cause I've been flying with some broken arms
Lift me up, just a small nudge
And I'll be flying like a thousand doves
www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIq6lpdO-Bw

This man made me comfortable to be my most vulnerable self. He was the first guy that when I told him I had the gastric bypass surgery, something I was extremely embarrassed and ashamed about, he held my hand and was so kind about it and made me feel like it was okay. Other guys had shamed me for it. He was the first guy I showed my deepest and darkest side to because he let me. He made me feel like he’d always be there to lift me up when I was down, through all the demons I was battling and my insecurities and with one small nudge, I would fly like one thousand doves. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss that...

I don’t believe in anything. I’m not a big believer in god or religion. But through this man I felt a spiritual connection that felt implemented from the universe. I think the feelings scared me so much, that it just made my insecurities worse. Being insecure is like being possessed by a demon. When the demon comes it takes over your whole body. It made me so negative. This is where I was to a degree, in fact crazy. I validate the things that occurred that hurt me. But there are things that did make me crazy. 

If I didn’t get a text back, if I had to do all the work in terms of communication and making plans, if he didn’t involve me in certain parts of his life, if he left me out of things, had certain friendships with certain people, I jumped to conclusions. Which maybe made it hard for him to properly explain everything. I don’t think I was wrong for my expectations and for feeling bad about most of these things, but I am now able to reevaluate the situations and see maybe where I was wrong with how I handled them. 

I was so broken because my insecurities got the best of me. It got in the way of our true love and I let it because I did not know how to control it. It truly is a monster. I always thought I looked like a monster in high school, but the truth is, the true monster was the insecurities that were eating me up inside. Because of this he saw the ugliest side of me I will forever be mortified about. Part of the reason he saw it though was because he brought that out of me, the other reason was I didn’t have self control. 

I thought the most negative thoughts. Anyone would’ve felt lucky to have this type of love in their lives, despite the bad things that I had put up with that most people truthfully would not have, I still know a lot of people would’ve killed to have a love like that. I know I would.

This isn’t the type of love that’s in the movies or tv shows. Because life isn’t perfect as we all know. But since I do believe things do happen for a reason, and we came into each other’s lives the way that we did, I truly believe this is the type of love where we were together in past lives. If there are parallel universes out there we are or were together at some point in those other universes. On top of everything we have the same exact birthday, our grandparents have the same birthday, our parents are a day apart, we have the same middle name, what are the odds? 

The truth is, when we broke up, it was understandable. It needed to happen. Despite how much I loved him, I truly wasn’t happy. It was something I didn’t have the courage to do myself or to face because the love was so strong, I knew if I lost him, I would lose apart of myself. Despite the shit he was putting me through that I’m sure most would say I was crazy to stay or still have these feelings for this person.

Sometimes I would go over it in my head over and over again how I would breakup with him. I was so unhappy over many things, and rightfully so. But every time I came close I couldn’t do it. And every time he tried to end things I tried to fix it. He was my soulmate. Sometimes I feel he still might be because everything I feared I would feel when we broke up, I felt it all. I feel it all. To this day. I lost apart of my soul and apart of my heart. He is apart of me and I think despite anything I might just be apart of him. And always will be.

This is why it was so hard when I had to face it. I didn’t have a support system when I felt like a piece of my soul had died. “I found myself without a prayer, I lost my love and no one cared”...

The things that occurred after we broke up truly sucked. I had lost friendships, I have had many hardships, I was suicidal and completely lost myself. I wrote this Blog because I was holding in a lot of things that were left unsaid. I didn’t have a support system, I didn’t have a shoulder to cry on, I only had myself. I did have my family and my grandma, I will forever be grateful for them. This was part of why losing my grandmother was so hard for me. She always tried to lift me up when this happened. I still didn’t fully open up to them about what I was feeling. Writing has been very healing and therapeutic for me.

I’m not sure if the feelings were as strong for him as they were for me. Since the very beginning. He always pushed back from taking the relationship to the next step and letting me fully into his life. He seemed like he wanted his freedom most of the time while being with me. Doing whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted, while struggling to care about how things made me feel. And this caused me to retaliate in the ways that I did.

My insecurities will tell me I was under appreciated. Maybe I was. But, even knowing these negative things could happen from the start,  I still was infatuated with this man, but I think apart of it had to do with how he made me feel comfortable with myself in ways no one else ever could. He showed me care and love in ways no one else ever did. But I was so traumatized from my childhood, things I’ve been through, I just kept convincing myself that something was wrong and something wasn’t right. For the most part there were things going on that helped play a role in me thinking that which contradicted the good feelings he made me feel. But this was my twin flame. 

“Simply put, your twin flame is your mirror. 
It seems that once you’ve reached a certain level of consciousness in life, your soul splits in two, before settling into your physical self. 
Basically, this means that two of you are wandering planet Earth. The other you is your twin flame and when you cross paths, you immediately feel as if you’re whole again. 
As your mirror, they reflect back to you your weaknesses but also your greatest strengths. Essentially, their presence usually brings on a lot of personal growth and transformation.
There is a place where relationships and personal (and spiritual) growth collide. It is a place where all of you exists, unmasked and exposed, and it craves connection like a caterpillar seeking out the perfect branch to build a cocoon”.-Matt Valentine 3 Subtle Differences Between a Twin Flame and a Life Partner. 

I feel complete, at ease, and whole when I see this person. To this day...And I do believe apart of why the negative things hurt so much was because maybe in some ways I saw myself in him. Having the same birthday was just a part of it. We were very similar despite how different we were. We both battled some of the same demons that got in the way of us....And a lot of times it felt as if we both wanted to avoid the conflicts by burying our feelings and not communicating and this was the main issue. Because of this, so many things couldn’t be resolved. We each did that in our own ways, which made reading each other very hard. And maybe at the end of the day that’s what hurt us both the most. Our similarities and facing ourselves when facing each other. It’s caused us both to fuck up and hurt each other in many ways....I wonder if all couples experience this?
 
When it was over it was easier to hate him. At first it felt like he died. I was in mourning. So hating him and being angry and cutting him off and keeping him out of my life was the easiest thing to do for my sanity. However the truth is, it wasn’t that he died, it was that apart of me actually died. A part of my soul was gone. I completely lost myself. I blamed myself for everything, I blamed him for everything, I didn’t know who to blame. I was just so angry. 

I tried going out there and dating again, and as you know it has not been successful for me at all. I learned that yes, men are attracted to me, some even are obsessed with me. I’ve had so many crazy stories with trying to put myself out there again and meeting new guys. A big problem is I think I wasn’t trying to find someone new just because I wanted the excitement and see whose out there. I was trying to replace him, and fill the void of losing him, and fix the hole in my heart. I was trying to come back alive and find me again. And in many ways that was wrong because I ended up being an ass to some of these guys. 

I finally realized I can no longer wait for this man to make the move and come back to me, but  I also should not seriously date or try again till I get completely over this person. But I do think I finally am finding myself at least.

“Before there was love there was silence”....

I’m not sure I ever will get over him. It’s been two years and apart of me still feels lost and broken. Apart of me still hoped he’d change and come to me and own up to everything and tell me he wants to try again. I wish I can let go but I am still struggling to do so....When certain hurtful things came to the surface last year I decided to cut him off for good. We had no more contact, and I hardly acknowledged him when I would run into him. 

At one point recently, I came very close to permanently cutting him out of my life. In his own way he showed me concern when certain things happened from the pandemic to my grandmother passing away. And I felt like I needed him to stop because it was making it harder to let him go and I wanted him to stay out of my life forever. I wrote him several letters asking him to stop and stay out of my life. I kept changing the words in them and finally I had one ready for him, and the moment he was coming to me for it, I changed my mind and tossed it out. Something told me it wasn’t the right thing to do. Was it the universe? My emotions? I just don’t know. But it didn’t feel right so I went with my gut. Not sure if that was the right decision but I had to listen to my intuition.

I realized I couldn’t keep him out of my life forever. Because he will always be apart of me. I hate to admit it. I almost hate myself and him for it. But he has my heart and honestly he probably always will. It probably would be stupid to get back together today or tomorrow, because there would need to be some serious remorse and change, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish one day we would be back together. I am not sure if he feels the same way but I am sure he thinks about it. Couples aren’t perfect. Relationships are not like the movies or tv shows. I think the couples who last are the ones who get through things like this, get through “entanglements”, and realize there is enough love to get past it, to heal, and for real change to occur. 

“There is no such thing as the perfect soulmate. If you meet someone and you think they’re perfect, you better run as fast as you can in the other direction. Cause your soulmate is the person who pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes you face your shit.”-Madonna

The world feels like it is ending and it truly is an eye opener. It makes all the good that happened in the relationship outweigh the bad, it makes all the hurtful things no longer matter, because at this point I don’t know how much longer I am going to be alive....Is throwing it all away and holding on to anger and being hurt over everything worth it anymore when we don’t know what tomorrow will bring? I can’t live with myself thinking we could die and leave things like this....

Most people I know no longer care about the pandemic. While I have been more open to less restrictions I still feel it’s very real and the idea of a second wave feels very scary. Maybe I just have PTSD from surviving 9/11, hurricane sandy, almost being killed and robbed, and now this. But I don’t understand how many are so over it that it doesn’t affect their lives anymore. Well it affects mine still and this is part of why I am feeling all these emotions that I am. 

For a long time when we broke up I assumed he was so happy and moved on so fast, while I was so broken and slowly dying inside. Again, that was my insecurities, the monster, getting to me and causing me to have all these assumptions.

Things I found and saw happening also contributed to these feelings. But I view it differently now, I know it wasn’t so easy for him. He just isn’t as emotional, sensitive, or wrapped up into feelings as I am, so he perhaps dealt with it better and that’s the real truth. He bettered himself, I put on weight and drank myself to sleep every night while crying like a baby. Those are things I shouldn’t have done but I finally am changing that slowly but surely. 

I know it wasn’t so easy for him. I know that despite whether he still loves me or not, wants to be with me or not, he still cares about me. I’m not sure how I can have him in my life and just be friends. I am not sure I can handle finding out he is seeing someone else when that day comes. But I do know at least right now, he belongs in my life, and in whatever way that is, I guess time will tell...

The truth is I’m incomplete without him in my life. And the universe is telling me, for whatever reason, he needs to be in my life. Whatever role he will play in my life, he needs to be there but  he also needs to decide because I won’t put it in all the effort on my own. For now the door is open and the ball is in his court. 

We got together in the way that we did for a reason. We broke up for a reason and everything that happened afterwards happened for a reason. I couldn’t end things with him completely when I was about to because I felt it in my soul that I shouldn’t. I know that was the universe telling me not to because I was so determined and came so close.

I just hope all this pain, hurt, and suffering was worth it. I hope I haven’t completely lost my mind after everything I’ve gone through. I know it was worth it though, those years we were together, but now I’m not sure what the future holds. It’s confusing, it’s scary, I’m sitting here confused as fuck wondering what’s right and wrong, but who can worry about that when it feels like the world is ending while going through so much shit? I know for now, just having him back in my life is comforting, it feels safe, and it feels right. Whatever happens from there I hope is what is supposed to happen and that I will make peace with it. 

I just pray I fully heal, I fully move on, and I find closure. But I know I am finally getting there and no matter what happens, I will not  lose myself in the ways that I have ever again...I forgive everything, I forgive myself. I have to for my own sanity. Everything is so confusing emotionally but what I do know, is that the sun and stars will guide us to whatever paths we are supposed to take.