Chapter 30

Of course I am going to have a blog post on my 30th birthday. What’s funny is after my last post I almost was convinced I was going to stop doing this all together. Maybe I will soon, who knows? As therapeutic as writing has been for me I almost feel like I have nothing left to say. I feel like I’ve said enough and frankly now I’m exhausted. 

I think I was trying so hard to move on from my last relationship. I was so hurt and so lost. I was trying so hard to let out everything I was holding in for so long. I let it out over and over again over the past year. Finally in my last post, I really had to own up to where I was at fault, and expose the truths I was holding in this whole time. I explained how vulnerable I’ve been and I think my grandmother’s death made me fall back a little bit. I allowed this person back into my life and in reality it was because I still wanted to be with him and couldn’t close that chapter in my life. I realize now maybe it wasn’t the best decision but I might need one hundred thousand more lessons before I finally learn...


I let it all out. Now what? 


I’m about to be thirty and as I approach a new decade, all I can do is reflect on the last ten years. So many moments I wish I can go back in time and relive. So many moments I wish I can go back in time and change or do differently. So many painful and hurtful events that occurred and lessons I had to learn over and over again. Some I finally learned, some the challenge of learning is still something I face every single day. 


I’m almost thirty and what have I been doing? Listening to Taylor Swift’s new album Folklore on repeat every single day, it’s relatable as hell for me. I’ve also been exploring the meaning of life and why I’ve been through everything I have by paying close attention to the universe and trying to strongly believe there is a purpose, there is meaning, and that everything happens for a reason. 


There aren’t enough crystals in the world that I can buy hoping it will help me heal. There aren’t enough candles I will spend a fortune on to light every single night hoping I can finally be happy and move on with my life. There isn’t enough sage in the world I can burn hoping I can get rid of all the negative energy I carry deep within my soul. There is not enough incense in the world I can light and mediate to. 


But these are things I’ve been doing as I’m getting closer to thirty. Why? Because I can’t be the same hopeless, sad, pessimistic person I was during my twenties and majority of my life. I truly want to change that but it is the biggest challenge I am facing, along with trying to lose weight and look and feel better about myself. 

Part 1 9-1-1
Turning up emotional faders
Keep repeating self-hating phrases
I have heard enough of these voices
Almost like I have no choice


This is biological stasis
My mood's shifting to manic places
Wish I laughed and kept the good friendships
Watch life, here I go again


I can't see me cry
Can't see me cry ever again 
I can't see me cry
Can't see me cry this is the end 


My biggest enemy is me
Pop a 911
My biggest enemy is me
Pop a 911
My biggest enemy is me
Ever since day one
Pop a 911
Then pop another one


Keep my dolls inside diamond boxes
Save them till I know I'm gon' drop this
Front I've built around me oasis
Paradise is in my hand
Holding on so tight to this status
It's not real but I'll try to grab it
Keep myself in beautiful places
Paradise is in my hands


I can't see me cry
Can't see me cry ever again (Ooh)
I can't see me cry
Can't see me cry this is the end (Ooh)


My biggest enemy is me
Pop a 911
www.youtube.com/watch?v=58hoktsqk_Q

The issue is I am such an emotional being. I feel things with everything in my soul. If I am out with friends having a good time and someone comes to ruin it, I will feel that negative energy so deeply inside, it ruins the whole night and makes me sad. It’s so pathetic how deeply I feel things. I wish it was something I could change about myself. I am trying to find ways to be proud of it and of who I am, but I feel like since I am so sensitive and feel everything so deeply, I’ll never be able to move on with my life and find happiness. 


My biggest enemy is me To escape the negative thoughts in my mind I have gone through many different unhealthy addictions. Anything I can do to escape my problems. My negative thoughts get the best of me. They run through my mind twenty four seven. I dwell on all the bad and negative things. Sometimes I need to “pop a 9-1-1” to escape my own head...


I keep dwelling and thinking about the same situations, the same person, over and over again every single day. I keep thinking about where I was wrong and dwell on it, I keep questioning why would anyone treat me the way I was treated? And I keep dwelling on that. I keep wondering why I miss such a toxic situation and can’t be happy for once since I am free and out of it? Instead I want back in. And it’s all I think about. I wish it would all just stop....Pop a 9-1-1....


Part 2 The 1


I'm doing good, I'm on some new shit
Been saying "yes" instead of "no"
I thought I saw you at the bus stop, I didn't though


I hit the ground running each night
I hit the Sunday matinee
You know the greatest films of all time were never made


I guess you never know, never know
And if you wanted me, you really should've showed
And if you never bleed, you're never gonna grow
And it's alright now


But we were something, don't you think so?
Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool
And if my wishes came true
It would've been you
In my defense, I have none
For never leaving well enough alone
But it would've been fun
If you would've been the one


I have this dream you're doing cool shit
Having adventures on your own
You meet some woman on the Internet and take her home
We never painted by the numbers, baby
But we were making it count
You know the greatest loves of all time are over now


I guess you never know, never know
And it's another day, waking up alone


But we were something, don't you think so?
Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool
And if my wishes came true
It would've been you
In my defense, I have none
For never leaving well enough alone
But it would've been fun
If you would've been the one


Hey, yeah-yeah
I persist and resist the temptation to ask you
If one thing had been different
Would everything be different today?


We were something, don't you think so?
Rosé flowing with your chosen family
And it would've been sweet
If it could've been me
In my defense, I have none
For digging up the grave another time
But it would've been fun
If you would've been the one
www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsZ6tROaVOQ

I think the best thing that’s come of all this is that I’ve finally been forced to be my true self. They say we are all basically two people put into one. One person is who we show to the world, who seems happy and has their shit together. The other person is the real you buried deep down, that only you face every single day and you’re scared if anyone will possibly get a glimpse of that person. I’m doing good I’m on some new shit....


My whole life I was scared to be my true self. I put up with cringe worthy forced interactions. I put myself in so many situations I didn’t want to be in and faked my way through all of it. I’ve forced myself to be friends with people I didn’t want to be friends with because I didn’t want to be mean. I said “yes” to so many things I didn’t want to say yes to. I still struggle with this unfortunately, I get anxiety and panic attacks trying to say no to certain things, and what always happens is when I finally say it or tell the truth about how I really feel I end up being an asshole. But slowly but surely I am finally learning to overcome this one thing at least. 


I put myself through so many uncomfortable situations and so much shit, and for what? I always wanted to please everyone else and would feel pressure and anxiety to ever put myself first. Maybe it was from deep rooted insecurities and I just wanted to be liked? I don’t know anymore because for the most part when it comes to certain things, I truly do not care what people think about me. But I guess once I allow people into my life, I easily get taken advantage of by some because I do too much and struggle with saying “no”...


In my last relationship I put up with so many ridiculous things, anyone would’ve thought I was crazy to stay and put up with it. But I felt like his needs were more important than mine and I was scared to express how I truly felt. It wasn’t just with him, but this happened with many friends over the years. I held so much in, dealt with so much, and I constantly had to end so many friendships when it became too much. 


I feel like I’ve explained more than enough in my posts where I was at fault in these situations and I truly do understand my faults. But this time, I’m not focusing on my faults. I’m validating and focusing on my feelings and the things I need to change about myself in order to hopefully not go through the same things ever again, and especially to hopefully finally be a happier person and move on with my life. 


When I was a teenager I swore in my twenties I’d have my life set and everything  figured out. And for a while in my twenties I thought I did have it all figured out. My twenties had so many amazing moments cause of my past relationship that I can't stop fantasizing about what could've been if we had worked out? Roaring twenties throwing pennies in the pool. And if my wishes came true, it would’ve been you. I thought I was set for life. I had a sexy guy, a home to share with him, and we had the most adorable cat ever. I spoiled him to death and we traveled the world and went to concerts together. It all seemed so perfect. Everyone thought we were perfect. To this day when people find out we broke up, they tell me we were the couple that gave them hope. Who they admired and looked up to. Well sometimes a pretty picture has a lot more to it than just what the eyes can see. 


If one thing had been different, would everything be different today? 


I know part of why I settled and put up with all that I did was because I didn’t want to start my life over. Especially when I was near thirty and getting older. I didn’t want to lose him which is true, and something I still struggle with, and I fucking hate that I still am struggling with it. But I also feared having to find that again, find the right one, and have a decent life with someone who will accept me for who I am. Find someone who will show me the love and respect that I deserve...


When you are young they assume you know nothing....


Part 3 Cardigan 


Vintage tee, brand new phone
High heels on cobblestones
When you are young, they assume you know nothing
Sequin smile, black lipstick
Sensual politics
When you are young, they assume you know nothing


But I knew you
Dancing in your Levi's
Drunk under a streetlight, I
I knew you
Hand under my sweatshirt
Baby kiss it better, right


And when I felt like I was an old cardigan under someone's bed
You put me on and said I was your favorite


A friend to all is a friend to none
Chase two girls, lose the one
When you are young, they assume you know nothing


But I knew you
Playing hide-and-seek and
Giving me your weekends
I, I knew you
Your heartbeat on the High Line
Once in twenty lifetimes, I


And when I felt like I was an old cardigan under someone's bed
You put me on and said I was your favorite


To kiss in cars and downtown bars
Was all we needed
You drew stars around my scars
But now I'm bleeding


'Cause I knew you
Stepping on the last train
Marked me like a bloodstain, I
I knew you
Tried to change the ending
Peter losing Wendy
I, I knew you
Leaving like a father
Running like water, I
When you are young, they assume you know nothing


But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss
I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs
The smell of smoke would hang around this long
'Cause I knew everything when I was young
I knew I'd curse you for the longest time
Chasing shadows in the grocery line
I knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired
And you'd be standing in my front porch light
And I knew you'd come back to me
You'd come back to me
And you'd come back to me
And you'd come back


And when I felt like I was an old cardigan under someone's bed
You put me on and said I was your favorite
www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-a8s8OLBSE


The thing is, I’m not afraid to be alone. There’s a lot of guys I could’ve tried to date over the past two years. I guess now I refuse to settle if I’m not feeling the vibe. However, even though I’m not afraid to be alone, I am still human. I want to find a relationship and be with someone for the rest of my life. I want to get married and find the true love I deserve. There I said it. I want to finally know what it feels like to not feel negatively worried and anxious about someone I’m with, but feel happy and confident. I want to be heard and not felt like I’m some crazy person for having the feelings that I have. 


I was maybe desperate but the love was there because as I said in my last post, I knew I deserved better and wouldn’t have put up with any of it from anyone else. The love was real. When I felt like I wasn’t good enough, sometimes he made me feel good about myself....When I felt like an old cardigan under someone’s bed, you put me on and said I was your favorite....


But I knew him and I knew he was absolutely not good for me at all. I knew every in and out. And I just could not let go for all the wrong reasons. 


'Cause I knew you
Stepping on the last train
Marked me like a bloodstain, I
I knew you
Tried to change the ending
Peter losing Wendy
I, I knew you
Leaving like a father
Running like water, I
When you are young, they assume you know nothing




My number one goal for this year is to finally move on, make peace with it, and stop dwelling on it all so much. It’s ruining my life at this point and I need it to stop. I need to stop....Stop dwelling on the bad times. Stop dwelling on the good times that made me feel amazing and good about myself that I still miss so much. Stop thinking about it so much to the point where it’s making me miserable. Stop missing someone so much that hurt me in so many ways that doesn’t miss me back, stop allowing it to hurt me to this day and ruin my life....I’m closing the chapter. Finally once and for all.


Part 4 Tears Ricochet 


We gather here
We line up weeping in a sunlit room
And if I'm on fire
You'll be made of ashes, too
Even on my worst day
Did I deserve, babe
All the hell you gave me?
'Cause I loved you
I swear I loved you
'Til my dying day
I didn't have it in myself to go with grace
And you're the hero flying around saving face
And if I'm dead to you why are you at the wake?
Cursing my name
Wishing I stayed
Look at how my tears ricochet
We gather stones
Never knowing what they'll mean
Some to throw
Some to make a diamond ring
You know I didn't want to
Have to haunt you
But what a ghostly scene
You wear the same jewels
That I gave you
As you bury me
I didn't have it in myself to go with grace
'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave
And if I'm dead to you why are you at the wake?
Cursing my name
Wishing I stayed
Look at how my tears ricochet
And I can go anywhere I want
Anywhere I want
Just not home
And you can aim for my heart, go for blood
But you would still miss me in your bones
And I still talk to you
When I'm screaming at the sky
And when you can't sleep at night
You hear my stolen lullabies
I didn't have it in myself to go with grace
And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves
You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same
Cursing my name
Wishing I stayed
You turned into your worst fears
And you're tossing out blame
Drunk on this pain
Crossing out the good years
And you're cursing my name
Wishing I stayed
Look at how my tears ricochet
www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWbDJFtHl3w

Looking at the full decade of twenty, it is so scary to me how fast it went by. I am sure people older than me say that about life in general. But so much has changed throughout the years that I’m almost scared to enter a new decade. I am praying it all happened to finally bring me to a peaceful point in my life where I get healthy physically and mentally, I make better choices, and I finally fully be myself. 


I look at a lot of friendships that collapsed out of thin air. In almost each story I was the bad guy. A lot of people hate me, some more than others. It really is somewhat my fault because I did so much and put up with so much shit while holding in my true feelings. It screwed me up because how could I possibly play victim in each story when I let things drag out for so long that when I finally did what was right for me it made me look fake, crazy, and wrong? It was a repeated pattern over and over again. I am not good at speaking up for myself, saying no, and I do too much and go above and beyond. 


A lot of the people that hate me so much can’t own up to where they were wrong no matter what. They are too self centered and self absorbed. It’s why they couldn’t be there for me the one time I ever needed people. Some of them look at me with disgust when they see me, others have tried to purposely do things just to hurt me...


I’m gonna get morbid for a minute...If I had died when I tried to kill myself, from covid, in one way or other, I can almost envision some of my ex friends and my ex still coming to my funeral despite all the pain they had put me through...Some would dance on my grave, some wouldn’t care, some would pretend to care. I didn't have it in myself to go with grace. And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves. You had to kill me but it killed you just the same...

I’m glad I’m alive.


When you do so much for people for so long and finally worry about yourself, of course you’re going to look bad. I really hope I break this habit. I truly mean well and a lot of it has to do with my insecurities and anxiety blocking me from doing what’s best for me. I feel constant guilt and pressure until I can’t take it anymore. I’m thankful for the few friends I have in my life who understand this about me and don’t ever make me feel bad for it. I am thankful for the few in my life who have my back no matter what.


I spent my early twenties having birthday parties where hundreds of people would come. I had meaningless friendships, I can’t even keep track of everyone I used to hangout with. Endless nights of fake IDs, drinking, dancing on tables, and getting in trouble. I don’t know how I found a relationship in the midst of it all. I learned to try and settle down, date someone who wasn’t into partying like I was, and learn to be somewhat boring. 


We still had a lot of fun. I am thankful for the great moments. The trips I took us on, the concerts, the events, it was almost like living the life of a socialite of New York. It hurts I was the one who gave him all those good times and provided that life for him and I still was treated the way I was despite all that. But it’s something I had to go through with several people unfortunately. 


I was the one who was dumped after seven years of going above and beyond and giving my all and accepting all the bad things that were happening in the relationship. I was the one who was hated when most friendships ended when I went above and beyond for all of these people. I know when I die one day some of these people will be so happy. I own up to where I was wrong despite all of this, but my god Taylor‘s song “Tears Ricochet” speaks to my soul.  


Music and concerts are what really made my twenties the best. Every show I went to. I cannot keep count of the amount of times I got to see Lady Gaga. I still hope and dream I get to meet her some day. She’s left on my bucket list to have a meet and greet with. Gaga if you see this, holla! 


I got to see Britney’s femme fatale tour, then I don’t know how many times I went to Vegas to see her show. I think going to the west coast was the most fun I ever had. I started to dream I can move out there some day. So many of my  favorites had Vegas residencies. I would go to Vegas twice a year. And the best was being lucky enough to have two meet and greets with Britney. Special moments of my twenties I’ll always hold on to. 


Part 5 Ray of Light 


Zephyr in the sky at night I wonder
Do my tears of mourning sink beneath the sun
She's got herself a universe gone quickly
For the call of thunder threatens everyone
And I feel like I just got home
And I feel
And I feel like I just got home
And I feel
Faster than the speeding light she's flying
Trying to remember where it all began
She's got herself a little piece of heaven
Waiting for the time when Earth shall be as one
And I feel like I just got home
And I feel
And I feel like I just got home
And I feel
Quicker than a ray of light
Quicker than a ray of light
Quicker than a ray of light
Zephyr in the sky at night I wonder
Do my tears of mourning sink beneath the sun
She's got herself a universe gone quickly
For the call of thunder threatens everyone
And I feel
Quicker than a ray of light
Then gone for
Someone else will be there
Through the endless years
She's got herself a universe
She's got herself a universe
She's got herself a universe
And I feel
And I feel
And I feel like I just got home
And I feel
Quicker than a ray of light she's flying
Quicker than a ray of light I'm flying
www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3ov9USxVxY

Through all the darkness, I have found light through my healing process. I am almost thirty but I feel like I have finally learned all I have needed to in the last decade to get me through the next. I get to heal and finally live the life I deserve and hope to live over the next ten years and every decade moving forward...


When I was going through my breakup, the best thing I ever did was take a solo trip to Vegas. I am proud of myself for that. I’ve written about it several times but that will forever be a highlight of my twenties and one of the best trips of my life. Especially when I went to the Grand Canyon and hiked to the edge of a cliff. It was so exhilarating and made me feel so peaceful and free. I started my healing journey there and from there on out I’ve become very spiritual and I hope to get more spiritual with time while I’m still healing, hoping to find peace, and praying to move on with my life. 


I accomplished living on my own for the last two years of my twenties. That really made me grow up. I have my own apartment. Yes the apartment I used to share which still isn’t easy when it comes to trying to move on. I think that plays a role in making it all so hard, but another goal of mine is to move within the new year. 


The year of my twenty-ninth birthday I met Madonna and got to speak to her. I saw her in concert on my actual birthday. I honestly had one of the best birthdays ever and I’ll forever be grateful for it. 


Zephyr in the sky at night I wonder, do my tears of mourning, sink beneath the sun? 


As horrible as things were these past ten years, I truly can say I lived my best life in my twenties. I did everything most people dream to experience. I am grateful for all of it. The good and the bad. I apologize to those I hurt, I hope some of them own up to where they were wrong too and if not oh well...At this point I need to learn to let it all go. And I’m finally letting go...


I’ve become obsessed with the full moons. I promised myself that during each full moon I’ll do a ritual where I write down and say aloud what I wish to let go of. I just started doing this, so I pray the more I do it, the more it will work and help me be able to let go more and more.


For my thirtieth birthday I wanted to do a solo trip but covid ruined everything of course. I made some low key plans surrounding my birthday. A weekend in Atlantic City celebrating the last weekend ever of being in my twenties. Dinner with parents the day after my birthday and a 90s themed birthday gathering with a few close friends. 


In Atlantic City I went to the beach at night in my dressed up clothes. I got to look up into the sky by the ocean and see the stars. You cannot see the stars like that in New York City. I lit sage and prayed to the stars, prayed to the gods. Prayed to the universe. I felt such a spiritual connection I can’t even describe and it was so beautiful, magical, and peaceful. 


What am I doing on the day of my birthday? Spending it with myself. A lot of different people tried to make plans with me, come up with different things to do, etc. I decided not this year. I’m going to do what makes me happy. I don’t want too much attention this year for my birthday, I don’t want it to be the focus of those who are in my life. 


Some people think people get upset about their birthday if it’s not perfect. A lot of people seem to automatically assume that about me, and it honestly pisses me off more than anything. Every year is different. I used to have parties with hundreds of people. Some years I have traveled, some I made sure to hang out with any and everyone. To me it also becomes a problem when people make your birthday about them and take away from it being about you. 


I had a rough year, I had a rough two years. I used to share my birthday with my ex. Last year was our first year apart and I handled it better because I had cut him out of my life and made a lot of plans to distract myself. I was lucky enough to see Madonna on the day of my birthday. It was amazing. 


This year is the challenge. I let him back in my life, I hit rock bottom in a new way this summer with being very vulnerable, and I wasn’t thinking clearly. But I do think it needed to happen for a reason for me to finally close the door. But with closing the door there’s many things I need to do to have peace of mind and find closure. 


Entering a new decade I no longer want forced interactions and stress where I don’t need it. I want to finally find myself, better myself, and make peace with everything. I’m doing whatever it takes to get there and I have made peace with the fact that it will take a long time. 


So I’m spending my birthday with myself. To some that might sound awful and miserable. For me, it’s the best birthday I could’ve asked for. No drama, no stress, no negative energy, a moment with myself celebrating my life and a new decade. I need that moment for myself. I might be insecure and have a lot of problems. But when I was at my lowest I only had myself and I got myself through so much. I am my own best friend, and deep down I love myself. I know I love myself because I literally enjoy doing things alone and with myself. From social events to living alone.


Recently I started talking to some guy who told me I’ll be on dating sites “till Jesus comes” because I explained to him that I love my alone time after everything I’ve been through. I told him I do go out on the weekends but I don’t see people on Sunday’s so I can rest and mentally prepare for the week. He judged me, he went off on me, and I just let him babble for as long as he wanted till I got off the phone. I assumed I’d never hear from again, but after two days he texted me and I told him “respectfully, please fuck off”....It felt great. 


Am I where I imagined I’d be at by thirty? Nope. I still am on a journey of self discovery and healing from all the painful experiences I had to endure. I am single, alone, and trying to figure out why life has had so many hardships for me. 


However, I am grateful for being alive another year. I made it to a new decade. I might not have my shit together but I have come a long way over the past two years. A little over a year ago I would sit on the floor and drink hard liquor till I would cry and start screaming. Do I still cry sometimes? Yes. Do I still drink too much sometimes? Yes Pop A 9-1-1. But I no longer black out from drinking, I no longer cry as much as I used to, and more importantly I don’t scream anymore. 


I used to constantly dwell on certain things that happened and I no longer think about those things. I used to let certain things that people did ruin my life. I dwelled on it and thought about it twenty four-seven. I at least no longer think about those things as constantly as I once did. I just still struggle to stop thinking about one person in particular, but I’m getting there. I am proud of my progress and I know it only gets better from here on out. Even if my progress is only ten percent, I am proud of myself regardless. 


I hope I find love and the type of love I deserve within this new decade. I hope all the memories from my twenties turn into life lessons that no longer hold me back from being happy and being a better person. Life lessons that no longer cause me to self destruct and hurt myself in all ways. Life lessons that stop me from self sabotaging myself....Most importantly I hope I learn to love myself.


Part 6 You Learn 

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles


You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn


I recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears


You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn


Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend


You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn


You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn
www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFW-WfuX2Dk


I know life will have a lot more hardships. I’ve seen a lot with these two eyes over the past three decades. I just pray I see less death, less sickness, less pain, and less suffering. I will continue to be on my spiritual journey and will continue to believe in the universe, continue to believe everything has a purpose and everything happens for a reason. I know it’s true. And to me, a new decade means new beginnings, new doors opening, and new hopeful opportunities. 


I keep dreaming about this beautiful angel who is a tall dark man, he has dreads, but always wears white or doesn’t have a shirt on. He has white feathers all over him, dressed in tribal clothing, and has white tribal makeup on his face. I see him in a field or in the street and I’m always waiting for someone else or lost trying to look for someone but he always appears in these moments. He hugs me, kisses me, and comforts me. I’ve started to dream about him ever since I’ve opened my mind to the spiritual world. 


I believe I am protected. I come across certain signs, numbers, and white doves when I am not looking for them. I have to say, my last post was true. The signs have been there, especially since my grandmother passed away. I know she also is with me. And this type of protection helps me keep going and moving every single day. I have faith. I’m not religious and never will be. But I have faith. I believe there is a purpose. 


I’ve learned so much through all the blood, sweat, and tears. I believe I had covid in March, and with my job I was hands on with it and exposed to it every day. I believe I survived through this pandemic so far for a reason. And i am extremely grateful.


Peace and love to all, thanks to those who actually take the time to read this. I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to continue to do this. But we’ll see, time will tell. I definitely have bigger and better projects up my sleeve that I for sure will accomplish within this new decade of my life...Until next time, namaste....