Sex and the city is basically the gospel of dating for women in New York. The show has been off the air for over 15 years yet not much has changed since then besides dating apps and social media. But the question is, where is the gospel of dating for gay men in New York?
I feel like almost every single in New York has the same kind of stories. You meet someone, it’s either a disaster or very exciting at first, but in the end it leads to nowhere. Someone loses interest and someone gets hurt.
I was in a relationship at a pretty young age at 20 years old. And it lasted for about 7 years. I am now 29. It took me a while to be able to date again. And pushing 30, having a different body and different frame of mind when it comes to life, I feel like I know nothing about dating. I wish there was a handbook for this because I feel like a child again trying to meet new guys for the first time ever and I truly feel nothing but lost and overwhelmed.
The fact that I was in a serious committed relationship at such a young age for so long, starting over has felt odd and strange. But after moments of self destruction and over eating mixed with drinking too much and wallowing in depression, I got to a point where I had to pick myself up and put myself out there.
I am gay. Gay culture when it comes to dating is the worst. I’m not sure if it’s the same for all gays, but for me meeting guys is always a challenge. I almost never meet a guy in person. I always have to find guys on dating apps and websites. The apps I use are: Grindr, GROWLR, tinder, plenty of fish, okcupid, hinge, scruff, Taimi, and adam4adam. Wow, typing that all out I am almost embarrassed by how many dating apps I am a member of. But it seems to be the same pattern on every single site, and it always goes in two ways: Someone is desperate for sex or someone is desperate for a relationship. It’s hard to find someone who doesn’t like to rush into things and who will take it slow and actually get to know someone.
Let’s talk about this....It’s 2019 and yet a lot of men are still in the closet. I guess it shows that we still have a lot of progress to make when it comes to the LGBT community even though we have made it very far. But I do not understand for the life of me why men hide their faces on their profiles, refuse to share their picture and think that it’s actually going to go somewhere? I understand everyone’s situation is different and they maybe in the closet for many reasons. But who in their right mind gives the time of day to someone who does not share their appearance? I mean they’ll share their body parts but not a face picture. You might have a nice dick or a nice ass but isn’t attraction beyond body parts? That’s the one thing that drives me insane. And then they will have the nerve to send unsolicited nudes or ask for nudes without revealing what they look like. It’s just so crazy to me.
Then there are the guys who just send a dick or ass pic in their first message. Maybe I’m boring, prude, and too old fashioned. But that makes me feel violated. I don’t need to see those things right away. I also noticed that most men do not read profiles. They just look at pictures and make all kinds of assumptions without actually feeling you out. I swear it’s one of the most frustrating things when it comes to this wonderful experience. You also realize how superficial men are once they do finally read your profile and give you the time of day.
Next is the really hot guys. They are the weirdest. I am convinced most of them are scam artists, secretly in relationships or just like attention. They only come on the app for about two seconds a day (or week). They say one thing to you and the conversation is nonexistent because they quickly disappear. And you would think that maybe they lost interest but for some reason they always pop right back up randomly (out of nowhere) to say just one line and disappear again. I cannot figure these men out for the life of me.
Last but not least there are the scammers/fake profiles. I love the tag lines on Grindr like “If I’m on here what do you think I’m looking for?” Or “These ‘about mes’ usually make me feel weird. I am an open book, so ask and you shall receive an answer”. They all say the same things and when you message them it’s always some bot saying the most ridiculous shit. Such as “I got the buns, you bring the hot dogs”. Or fake sugar daddies trying to make you their sugar baby with an allowance of a $1,000.00 a week or day. I don’t understand why this is a thing.
So it’s a whole process of going through the down low guys, the guys who send unsolicited nudes, the boring hot guys, and the bots/scammers. And finally if you’re lucky you meet a guy who can carry a conversation, who is cute, and has potential. And from there you go on a journey that can be magical, disastrous, or give you a happy ending (in more ways than one). I am still looking for my happy ending but after everything I went through it’s something sometimes I am not sure if I am ready for, especially with how difficult it is figuring this whole dating thing out.
I ignored red flags when I was with my ex and put up with a lot of shit. I chased him for basically seven years from the beginning till the end. And I have some kind of PTSD from that so I tend to run for the hills the second I see that something doesn’t seem right with a guy. Because of that I may have hurt many guys and have had many situations where I have ghosted men because it was easier than just dealing with ending things and letting them down. I also have been ghosted by men that I was starting to like too. It seems it’s the new thing that people do these days.
I think ghosting has become easy because on most cell phones you can now easily block a number and never deal with the person ever again. I remember when I was dating in my late teens/early twenties, if I was done with a guy I had to just ignore his calls and texts and pray that eventually he would stop. But now it’s just so easy but I always send a goodbye text and give an honest explanation. I feel like it’s the least I can do and I feel that’s what all guys should do but for some reason men like to avoid opening up and being honest and like to take the easy way out of things. Men seem to not take rejection very well at all but also suck at honestly rejecting someone so they just become assholes in a lot of these situations.
Ghosting to me is sometimes necessary. I have met a lot of weirdos. I opened up to one guy about how sometimes I need space. And I went through a period where I needed it, I was honest with him and told him. Two days go by and he makes a fake Snapchat account trying to harass me and it was more than obvious it was him because the guy spoke just like he spoke and used the same exact emojis he always used. It was ridiculous, he was my age not 12. Then he blew up on me because I made a Facebook post but didn’t text him. I forgot to mention he ended up having a boyfriend in the process of us talking but yet proceeded to talk to me and do all of this. I was done I blocked him on all platforms. Another guy seemed really cool, we had good conversation. But then he was moving too fast for my liking. In fact I was creeped out, he talked about living together already and how infatuated he was with me. I had to block him because he was going too fast and was being creepy. He literally messaged me from a different number, then on WhatsApp after I blocked him, tried calling me on WhatsApp, found me on social media and tried messaging me there. It was insane. I don’t understand why some men are like this but thank god for that block option!
I mentioned earlier that men either like to rush into sex or rush into relationships and don’t know how to build a connection. When I was younger I was all for the one night stands. I went to an orgy, had threesomes, I would hook up with half the guys in a bar or club. I did not care who was there or who saw. I’d go on a number of dates per week and just make out all over town. Then I had a serious relationship for seven years and that changed me. I can have a casual encounter with someone but I still need a connection first other wise to me it won’t be good or worth it. Lacking passion and intimacy is terrible sex in my opinion. I also could be romantic and have a relationship with someone but I need time to get to know them. I think the problem is many of the men I find are just inexperienced and haven’t had a serious long term relationship as I have so it’s why I keep meeting these men who just rush into things.
A lot of times when I first meet someone it goes well after the first date. But then as I get to know them more something always goes wrong. But the experiences always help me learn more and more about what I want and what I am looking for.
One guy loved to read books and write poetry. He’d come over my house and read all day and we’d cuddle and drink beers and watch tv. But he was moving too fast for me and he didn’t like that I was moving slow, so it didn’t really go anywhere. It got to the point where I saw he was tweeting about me saying all types of things about me, including quoting conversations and expressing that I was moving too slow for his liking. Mind you he was broke and I was paying for everything each time we’d hangout. I was so frustrated I sent him voice messages explaining why I was done, I blocked him and mailed him his things he had left at my place.
Another guy had “psychic” tendencies and loved reading peoples energies and auras, however he was still hooked on the only person he ever dated (which was for only 3 months), he also was inexperienced when it came to relationships and sex, and did not wish me happy birthday but confessed to me that he was upset that the person he dated three months did not respond to him when he wished him happy birthday, and then did not understand why I was starting to ignore him (Thank you, next).
Another guy worked for broadway and wooed me with dinner and drinks, it was the first time I went on a date and the other person wanted to pay for everything and I couldn’t believe it. He was dreamy but ultimately ghosted me ::sigh:: Then there was the boy who was “separate checks” guy. He was really something else. He was terrible at making conversation, laughed hysterically at his own jokes, and almost killed me because I never heard of the viola before and I thought it was the same thing as the violin. We went to dinner and he asked for separate checks. We then went to a bar and again he asked for separate checks. Look, I don’t need to be paid for, but I think splitting the bill is the appropriate thing to do, but maybe it’s just me. He was dry as hell and boring but still invited me to his viola concert after our first date and after not hearing from him after it for a few weeks, however when I asked him for further details, he never responded to me. Oh well.
Then there was a little person who altered his pictures to make himself look taller. I still gave him a chance when I saw him. Our conversation was dry and I was not really attracted to him, but it is not always about looks. I probably should have left after dinner, but I decided to go to a gay bar with him to get drinks. During conversation, turns out he was a Chris Christie lover, a hardcore Trump supporter and had no issue admitting he hates women with a passion, like won’t talk to them or be friends with them. We argued a lot about this. We had this discussion on a patio while having a smoke. I decided to go to the bar to get us more drinks because I could not deal with this sober. Of course other guys were hitting on me, hot guys at that, but I did not want to be rude. I came up with an excuse and said a friend close by needed me to help her because she was in a crisis. This is where he said, "See this is why I hate women!" We would have had to take the same long train ride home together other wise. I walk him to the train, and he taps my chest, I look down on him, and he gets on his tippy toes and tries to give me a kiss. I felt bad for him at this point, but afterwards I ran back to the bar to get another drink to calm my nerves and I ghosted him without explanation, for that I probably was wrong. Eh.
Finally there was a boy who was five years younger than me. And my god he was the most dreamy. And it was the weirdest situation of my life. I never went for younger and he lived 3 hours away upstate. And he was so sexy and beautiful. And had the most amazing personality. We hit it off fast but it was kind of good he lived far away because we couldn’t rush into things so easily. When he would text me I would get so excited. I hadn’t felt that way since I met my ex. And it was the first time ever since my breakup I really started to catch feelings for someone and it scared the life out of me. It gave me the worst anxiety. But he felt so right. I told him my favorite love song was La Vie En Rose but the Lady GaGa version from A Star is Born. We would talk about our future together and what it would be like if we met each other and how much we longed to experience each other every day. And I couldn’t believe I was actually doing it but I decided to take a train upstate to where he lived and spend a whole weekend with him. I felt like the craziest person ever to do such a thing. For all I knew he was secretly a murderer and was going to kill me. But it was magical. He picked me up from a cab I took from the train. Brought me upstairs to his apartment, made me close my eyes and wait outside the door. He opens the door and I hear Lady GaGa playing from his phone “La Vie En Rose” and he actually gave me roses. No guy ever gave me flowers before, not even my ex in seven years even though I gave him roses once. It felt so good and like a fairytale. I was nervous most of that weekend though because I was so scared considering the PTSD I suffer from from my last relationship and I couldn’t believe any of it was real and I felt in my gut something had to be wrong with him. I should’ve never had those negative thoughts. But it was an amazing experience. But after all of that, it all died down, and I am not sure what’s going to happen with that or where it’s going to go. It was an amazing learning experience though because someone finally showed me exactly how I want to be treated, and I am glad I got to experience it in the short while that it lasted. I do still like him though and I am scared that I was lured into something to just be used for sex or attention. I am not sure and hope that I am wrong.
To me dating has become something more of a hobby then something you can take seriously. It’s like playing a game of chess and you always have to have the best poker face. It can feel exciting and then turn to dust. The only way you survive is if you have minimal expectations and more importantly, not have a dependency issue. I think we all can survive the dating world if we all accept that we only have ourselves to depend on when it comes to achieving happiness. The best way to be happy with someone is to share your happiness with them, not expect them to be your savior who will make you happy. You have to understand that you can’t force someone to have feelings for you or to like you and if they don’t or lose interest, it’s okay. Move on, go back out there and go through all the same type of men in the dating apps (or the world) till another one comes along to peak your interest, and continue the cycle.
NYC is a huge city but the gay community seems to be small. It’s always the same men for the most part on the apps and you’re just a fish in the pond waiting for someone to catch you or looking for another fish. Either way, I’ve learned to be happy being a solo fish, and if I end up being a solo fish for the rest of my life, I will be nothing but happy and content with that. We can’t ever love anyone, and nobody could ever love us, until we learn to love ourselves, and self love is the most important love there is and ever will be. When you achieve that, all these experiences just become stories you can share with the world....Till next time....
Since I feel each dating situation I've been in was a learning experience, song to go with post is "Thank you, next" by Ariana Grande :)
Louis Capici works in the health field and plays a role in saving lives. He writes on the side to express his views and thoughts on life.