Chapter 31 "Memories"...

And now, a moment of self reflection…

Midnight, not a sound from the pavement.
Has the moon lost her memory?
She is smiling alone...
In the lamplight, the withered leaves collect at my feet,
and the wind begins to moan

Memory, all alone in the moonlight,
I can dream of the old days,
life was beautiful then...
I remember the time I knew what happiness was...
Let the memory live again...
www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWoQW-b6Ph8


More often than not, I think about how much has changed the past ten years. More often than not I am happy with where I am today, but I can’t help but miss my youth and being twenty one, when I was still discovering myself, and having the time of my life. 

When I was twenty one I was the life of the party, I went to the club seven nights a week, and I was friends with everybody. I knew all the fun spots and places to go out and people always asked me for recommendations for places to go when they would plan their fun nights out on the town. If I was walking on the streets of New York City, no matter where I was, chances were I’d run into someone I knew. This type of life style got to my head so many times because I literally felt like I was a celebrity. 

When I was twenty one I was in love for the first time. It was my first relationship and unfortunately I was too young and excited to really accept that he wasn’t good for me and that I deserved better. And this is what carried on for years to come as the years went by. This is something I seem to always go back to in my writing but maybe this will finally explain it all...

I had fun in my twenties, but I was trapped. I trapped myself. I don’t regret any of it for a second because I truly believe that people come into our lives for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. It took me years to learn that and to accept that everything happened because I needed to learn and I needed to grow. I also needed to learn to accept my faults and accept that I hurt people too. 

I can reflect and look back and say in my own ways I was trying to stand up for myself while I was with him. Eventually I stopped faking everything, I stopped trying to show off the relationship to the world on social media, I stopped pretending to accept all of the things that were making me unhappy, and I stopped being intimate in all aspects.

I didn’t shower him with kisses and love when I’d walk in the door, I didn’t hold his hand anymore, I didn’t have sex with him anymore. It was hard for me to leave him, but this was the best I could do to defend myself. I was giving up on hoping that he would change, I was accepting things I could not accept, but I also was not going to put up with it either. If that makes any sense... I was no longer having fun, I was no longer partying, I no longer had a million friends. ::Cue Lady Gaga's fun tonight:: 
www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWzBcrniDRw

Feeling something that I can't explain
Think it's a wound I still entertain
I'd do anything to numb the flame
I guess I'm just on fire these days
I can't see straight, I can't see me
There's too much hurt caught in between
Wish I could be what I know I am
This moment's hijacked my plans
I'm feeling the way that I'm feeling, I'm feeling with you
I stare at the girl in the mirror, she talks to me too
Yeah, I can see it in your face
You don't think I've pulled my weight
Maybe it's time for us to say goodbye 'cause
I'm feeling the way that I'm feeling, I'm feeling with you
I'm not having fun tonight
You love the paparazzi, love the fame
Even though you know it causes me pain
I feel like I'm in a prison hell
Stick my hands through the steels bars and yell
What happens now
I'm not okay
And if I scream, you walk away
When I'm sad, you just wanna play
I've had enough
Why do I stay?
I'm feeling the way that I'm feeling, I'm feeling with you
I stare at the girl in the mirror, she talks to me too
Yeah, I can see it in your face
You don't think I've pulled my weight
Maybe it's time for us to say goodbye 'cause
I'm feeling the way that I'm feeling, I'm feeling with you
I'm not having fun tonight
Oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh
I'm not having fun tonight
Oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh
I'm not having fun tonight
Yeah, I can see it in your face
You don't think I've pulled my weight
Maybe, its time for us to say goodbye 'cause
I'm feeling the way that I'm feeling, I'm feeling with you
I'm not having fun tonight

I felt this song in my soul while I was having a moment to reflect..I would stay home alone while he would go out and live his life which did not include me in it. I would think about everything and I tried to figure out what was right for me. I needed space. No, I did not want to leave him, but yes I thought about it over and over again, and I needed time to make that decision and figure that out. That is why towards the end I could no longer be affectionate. When you live with someone and these thoughts are in your head, you need space to figure it all out. 

He did not like this. He did not like that I no longer showered him with kisses and hugs when I came home or ask “hey honey how was your day?”…He didn’t like that I didn’t have pet names or nick names for him. He didn’t like that I needed space and he couldn’t accept it. Even though for the relationship to work,  I always had to accept all the things that were making me unhappy. 
Yeah, I can see it in your face
You don't think I've pulled my weight
Maybe it's time for us to say goodbye
For years I felt guilty for needing my space and no longer being affectionate. For years I felt like I was a horrible boyfriend and partner for that. I blamed myself, I felt like everything was my fault. Because I was no longer trying or pulling my weight. It’s something I carried with me throughout the breakup when I was trying to heal and move on. 

Why am I bringing this up again? Because I still need to. There are more things I have realized…

Since I ignored that part of the relationship, where I was in my own way trying to put myself first and my needs, I ended up forgetting about it completely. Instead I missed him. I missed him every day. I couldn’t live without him. I missed him more than I admitted as I sat and wrote this blog pouring my heart out, acting like I was healed and fine for so long when in reality that wasn’t the case.

I couldn’t accept that it was over. I was emotionally still twenty one years old throughout the seven years of that relationship. 

I had emotional detachment issues when we were apart, so the breakup was very challenging. That was the one thing I didn’t realize and I truly needed to learn to let go. Staying in the same home we lived in together for so long after we broke up gave me hope. It made me think there was a chance if he knew I was still there eventually he would come back. I did nothing but sit and day dream on every little good thing that happened in the relationship and I missed it so badly...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJuV8PDwvC8
Sun stare, don't care with my head in my hands thinking of a simpler time
Like Sun Ra, feel small but I had it under control every time

Summer, sizzling
Listening to jazz out on the lawn
Listening to White Stripes when they were white-hot
Listening to rock, all day long

Summer, summer's almost gone
We were talking about life, we were sitting outside 'til dawn
But I would still go back
If I could do it all again, I'd fly
Because it made me feel, made me feel like a God
'Cause it made me feel, made me feel like a God
See how it made me feel, made me feel like a God
It made me feel, made me feel like a God
It kinda makes me feel, like maybe I was better off
'Cause it made me feel, made me feel like a god
Kinda makes me feel like maybe I was better off

Despite the bad things, I did feel like a god. I felt like I had it all...I couldn't stop thinking about it.

He just ended up coming and going as he pleased after we broke up. I allowed that. I left the door open. I’d sometimes find strength to keep the door shut, sometimes months at a time, not allowing him in. But, I always found a way to let him back in. I always gave in. I was so back and forth until finally I was falling for someone else. That helped me finally be able to fully cut him out of my life. 

That other person, well that was short lived…But I knew I was able to move on with my life when I finally had feelings for someone else. Not quite love, but they were still strong feelings. Even though that did not work out and he was another asshole, I got over it easily when it ended. Because I realized I was growing up finally. I was putting myself first for real. I could’ve kept that situation going but when I realized it wasn’t right for me, I walked away, I ended it. And I was so proud of myself for not only doing that, but finally moving on from the past, and loving and caring about myself enough to not allow myself to be involved with someone toxic again. 

Why am I going backwards with all of these things? What has made me have to think about it all and write about it again? Well...

With all of that I was going through, I was ready to move on with my life for real. I decided to move out of my place. I decided it was time to leave my old apartment. The apartment where memories were attached to every room, every nook and cranny, every corner, every piece of furniture, from the couch to the stove. A place where I had hope for things that were never going to work out, a place where I was the most vulnerable and depressed. A place where I tried to take my own life. A place where I experienced emotional abuse. A place where I felt negative energy and had nightmares that woke me up each night. I would consistently dream that an intruder was successfully breaking into my apartment and when I’d try and scream for help my voice box was detached and I couldn’t speak. I would wakeup hyperventilating, gasping for air each night. 

It was also a place with horrible building management, roach infestations, and neighbors who trashed their apartments and the garbage room. It was just a pure and utter nightmare living there and I was doing my best to move on from the past and all the things that took place in that apartment and I knew I couldn’t ever move on if I stayed there. 

I could remember every Christmas, every holiday, every birthday, every unresolved argument where we would always sit and talk it out on the couch. I could always remember exactly where he would sit on the sofa and where I would sit every single time we had tried to talk things out. The cold silences, the times I was trapped in the bed room while he was playing video games for hours, not giving me attention emotionally or physically. The nights he’d go out and I was home alone drinking wondering when he’d come home and who he was with. Then being broken up for six months and still living together. I’d remember being blackout drunk in the bedroom screaming out of anger, or sitting on the floor and just sobbing. 

Every corner I walked in that apartment, every wall I faced my head to, it would bring back one memory or other. It was all haunting me constantly. I could not stop. I felt like I was suffocating in old memories, whether good or bad, and it would not stop. No matter how much I was writing about being strong it really was all a lie. I was weak. I wrote all that I wrote in hopes that putting those words out into universe would just eventually make it all come true. It wasn’t coming true. I was not truly putting in the right kind of work to make it all come true. 

I even had the sexual encounters I had with the other man I fell for in the back of mind, everywhere I looked my brain would just flash those memories in my mind, and I would literally relive each part of the history I had in that apartment. All of the good and all of the bad. 

Like I said, I thought I was moving on, I felt so strong, so good, but I was lying to myself. I was never going to stop obsessing and reminiscing the more I lived in that apartment. I had realized a lot from the initial reason I was living there in the first place. I went from staying in hopes things would work out with my ex to staying because I felt like the place was always mine in the first place and I was finally able to move on and cut him off. But I was never gonna get over him fully till I decided to leave and go somewhere new…It was time to take on a journey that was going to help me become hopeful for real...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=rY2LUmLw_DQ
I was reading Slim Aarons
And I got to thinking that I thought
Maybe I'd get less stressed
If I was tested less like all of these debutantes
Smiling for miles in pink dresses
And high heels on white yachts
But I'm not
Baby I'm not
No, I'm not
That I'm not

I've been tearing around in my fucking nightgown
24/7, Sylvia Plath
Writing in blood on my walls
'Cause the ink in my pen don't work in my notepad
Don't ask if I'm happy, you know that I'm not
But at best I can say I'm not sad
'Cause hope is a dangerous thing
For a woman like me to have
Hope is a dangerous thing
For a woman like me to have

I had fifteen-year dances
Church basement romances yeah I've cried
Spilling my guts with the Bowery Bums
Is the only love I've ever known
Except for the stage which I also call home when I'm not
Serving up God in a burnt coffee pot for the triad
Hello it's the most famous woman you know on the iPad
Calling from beyond the grave, I just wanna say, "Hi dad"

I've been tearing up town in my fucking white gown
Like a goddamn near sociopath
Shaking my ass is the only thing that's
Got this black narcissist off my back
She couldn't care less and I never cared more
So there's no more to say about that
Except hope is a dangerous thing
For a woman like me to have
Hope is a dangerous thing
For a woman with my past

There's a new revolution
A loud evolution
That I saw
Born of confusion
And quiet collusion
Of which mostly I've known
A modern day woman
With a weak constitution
'Cause I've got
Monsters still under my bed
That I could never fight off
A gatekeeper carelessly dropping
The keys on my nights off

I've been tearing around in my fucking nightgown
24/7, Sylvia Plath
Writing in blood on your walls
'Cause the ink in my pen don't look good in my pad
They write that I'm happy, they know that I'm not
But at best you can see I'm not sad
But hope is a dangerous thing
For a woman like me to have
Hope is a dangerous thing
For a woman like me to have
Hope is a dangerous thing
For a woman like me to have
But I have it
Yeah, I have it
Yeah, I have it
I have

Trying to find an apartment in New York City is exactly the same as trying to find a boyfriend. From getting catfished by being shown the wrong photos of apartments that looked or were completely different in person, to completely and utterly falling in love with an apartment just so that the building management would reject your application. 

I’ve been working extra hours lately. I don’t have a significant other, I don’t have a family waiting for me at home, I can’t financially afford to go out often, and I just do not want to be home that much. I don’t want to sit at home in depression, I want to keep busy. I’ve become a workaholic. While working long hours per day, and being exhausted, I literally went to see apartments after work every single day. Sometimes commuting two hours back and forth just to see apartments. 

Some places were horrific. I saw an apartment that had dead water bugs all over the place. I saw apartments that were in the middle of being renovated and were a hot mess. I saw apartments advertised as “one bedrooms” when in reality the bedroom was the size of a closet and not even a twin sized bed would fit in it. 

It became exhausting and I was ready to give up. I knew I needed this. I needed it so bad. In fact when it went past my deadline to find an apartment last minute I chose to not give up. I couldn't just keep writing a blog. I couldn't just keep sitting at home thinking about these things over and over again. I had a new hobby, a new purpose, I needed to find a new home so I can have new beginnings in life. I needed to get out. I needed to be hopeful that things would get better...Hope is a dangerous thing for a man like me to have.

Writing in blood on my walls
'Cause the ink in my pen don't work in my notepad
Don't ask if I'm happy, you know that I'm not
But at best I can say I'm not sad

I am too negative. I prayed so hard for this to work out. I was exhausted but I needed it so bad. I still was an emotional wreck from everything that occurred in that apartment and from covid on top of it. I felt like I was slowly suffocating or slowly drowning in that place. I couldn’t take it anymore. 

I finally found a place I fell in love with and it was a whole stressful process but I moved. I knew the hardest part about all of this was the part where I had to clean out the old apartment. That meant I had to go through years worth of stuff, stuff I didn’t know I still had, clean the place out, and pack it all up all by myself without any help. 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_6oGApWnqw
Memory, turn your face to the moonlight
Let your memory lead you
Open up, enter in
If you find there the meaning of what happiness is
Then a new life will begin
Memory, all alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again
Burnt out ends of smokey days
The stale cold smell of morning
The streetlamp dies, another night is over
Another day is dawning
Daylight, I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I mustn't give in
When the dawn comes tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin
Sunlight, through the trees in the summer
Endless masquerading
Like a flower as the dawn is breaking
The memory is fading
Touch me, it's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me you'll understand what happiness is
Look, a new day has begun

That was a real moment of self reflection. The things I had struggled so hard to let go of, well now it was finally time to face it all and let go for real. No more bull shitting how strong I was, no more bull shitting how great I was doing and improving from everything that had happened. No, this was the biggest challenge, letting go of the place and cleaning everything out. That’s what truly tested my strength.

I found every card that was ever given to me. Reading every word because I couldn’t stop myself. He was good with cards. He picked the most sentimental cards and would write the most beautiful things, poems sometimes, and I made myself read every single word, practically torturing myself. I knew I had to do it though, especially since it was the night of a full moon and it really was time to let it all go for real. 

I got the cards, I got the old photos, I even found a whole scrap book I got him made up of pictures of us, and I put it all in a big pot and lit it all on fire and watched it all slowly burn and deteriorate. It made me cry but tears of joy. I felt like I was finally releasing it all. 

As I tirelessly worked so hard to clean out the apartment, the more I was seeing it become empty, the more I was remembering all of the good and not only just the bad. I remembered how exciting it was when we first moved in there and saw the apartment empty. Hearing the echos of our voices as we planned out how we were going to bring the place to life. I was only twenty four and moved into my first place with my boyfriend. I was so young and so excited. I remember my vision of art work and the ambiance coming to life. I remember hosting the best parties and gatherings. Everyone loved coming over because I was the best host and had the best food and the best drinks. 

It was all just memories. Memories that although I need to let go of, they will always be apart of me. They will live with me forever. And I did finally let go, but I will never want any of those memories completely erased from my mind forever. It was my youth. It was my twenties. It was some of the best times and experiences that I hope one day I’ll get to experience again, only in much better ways. And I know that one day I will. 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQ_ic3KmmLY
What's new, Buenos Aires?!
I'm new!
I wanna say I'm just a little stuck on you!
You'll be on me too!
I get out here, Buenos Aires!
Stand back!
You oughta know whatcha gonna get in me!
Just a little touch of star quality!
Fill me up with your heat, with your noise, with your dirt, overdo me
Let me dance to your beat, make it loud, let it hurt, run it through me
Don't hold back, you are certain to impress
Tell the driver this is where I'm staying!
Hello, Buenos Aires!
Get this!
Just look at me dressed up, somewhere to go,
We'll put on a show!
Take me in at your flood, give me speed, ive me lights, set me humming
Shoot me up with your blood, wine me up, with your nights, watch me coming!
All I want is a whole lot of excess!
Tell the singer this is where I'm playing!
Stand back, Buenos Aires!
Because...
You oughta know whatcha gonna get in me
Just a little touch of star quality
And if ever I go too far
It's because of the things you are
Beautiful town, I love you!
And if I need a moment's rest
Give your lover the very best!
Real eiderdown and silence
You're a tramp, you're a treat, you will shine to the death, you are shoddy!
But you're flesh, you are meat, you shall have every breath in my body!
Put me down for a lifetime of success!
Give me credit, I'll find ways of paying
Rio de la Plata,
Florida, Corrientes, Nueve de Julio
All I want to know!
Stand back, Buenos Aires!
Because...
You oughta know whatcha gonna get in me
Just a little touch of...
Just a little touch of...
Just a little touch of star quality!

How am I now? I’m great. I have an apartment that brings  me peace. I have a huge old tree outside my window, it reminds me of grandmother willow from Pocahontas. I have a great view of the stars and the moon. I have a beautiful rooftop where I can moon and star gaze and see a view of the city skyline on top of it. I am completely in love with my neighborhood and the town I moved to. I want to explore every part of it, try every restaurant, go dancing, go for walks. I actually go on little adventures whenever I have the free time and I just keep exploring. I am obsessed with the old school vibes from the Russian Jewish culture here, the asian culture, and all of the diversity. All walks of life. Lots of green trees and scenery. I am truly in a much better place now. 

I am excelling and advancing in my career. I’m finally at the start of finding peace and happiness and truly, legitimately have a chance to finally move on with my life. I mean it this time unlike before. Moving obviously made me reflect on everything again, so again, this is why this is being brought up for the millionth time…Even if I swore I’d never bring it up again. 

I am still figuring out dating…I have definitely made some of the same mistakes that I am still learning from. However, I finally really am focusing more on myself more than trying to obtain a relationship. Why should I focus on a
man when I can focus on making money? Why should I be sad when it does not work out when everything else in my life is working out? I have gone on dates here and there, even reconnected with an old ex, just to realize you actually can lose attraction and feelings for someone you’ve been with, and possibly maybe have a friendship? Or just a one night of reconnecting kind of thing and leave it at that….

The best thing about being able to just focus on myself is that I was able to focus on work more. Work has become my life, my distraction from everything, and more of my hobby than this... It has its headaches, it can be very stressful, exhausting, and intense. But I am happy and grateful for the job and the growth that I’ve gotten to experience.

I needed a new home and a new start to realize these things and to start to better myself. This is only the beginning. I am excited for what’s to come in my thirty first year. I pray when I reflect again in the next ten years I’ll be nothing but proud of myself and in a much better place than I was in my twenties. I will forever be grateful for my twenties though. I am grateful for life. And I am grateful for every person whose ever been in my life. Till next time, peace out y’all. 

And shout out to my girl Britney, so glad she’s engaged and on the path to freedom, she inspires me more and more each day #FreeBritney

www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0cfZczo4yk
Say goodbye
Not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say goodbye
Not knowing how to cry
You taught me that
And I'll remember
The strength that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember
The way that you saved me
I'll remember
Inside I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing
And I'll remember
The love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember
The way that you changed me
I'll remember
I learned
To let go
Of the illusion
That we can possess
I learned to let go
I travel in stillness
And I'll remember happiness
I'll remember, hmm
I'll remember, hmm
And I'll remember
The love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember
The way that you changed me
I'll remember (I'll rememeber)
Now I'll never be afraid to cry
Now I finally have a reason why
I'll remember (I'll remember)
Now I'll never be afraid to cry
Now I finally have a reason why
I'll remember (I'll remember)
Now I'll never be afraid to cry
And I finally have a reason why
I'll remember (I'll remember)
Now I'll never be afraid to cry
And I finally have a reason why
Remember