Hope....

Part One Happiness 
Honey, when I'm above the trees
I see this for what it is
But now I'm right down in it
All the years I've given
Is just shit we're dividing up
Showed you all of my hiding spots
I was dancing when the music stopped
And in the disbelief
I can't face reinvention
I haven't met the new me yet
There'll be happiness after you
But there was happiness because of you
Both of these things can be true
There is happiness
Past the blood and bruise
Past the curses and cries
Beyond the terror in the nightfall
Haunted by the look in my eyes
That would've loved you for a lifetime
Leave it all behind
And there is happiness
Tell me, when did your winning smile
Begin to look like a smirk?
When did all our lessons start to look like weapons pointed at my deepest hurt?
I hope she'll be a beautiful fool
Who takes my spot next to you
No, I didn't mean that
Sorry, I can't see facts through all of my fury
You haven't met the new me yet
There'll be happiness after me
But there was happiness because of me
Both of these things I believe
There is happiness
In our history
Across our great divide
There is a glorious sunrise
Dappled with the flickers of light
From the dress I wore at midnight
Leave it all behind
And there is happiness
I can't make it go away by making you a villain
I guess it's the price I pay for seven years in heaven
And I pulled your body into mine every goddamn night now I get fake niceties
No one teaches you what to do
When a good man hurts you
And you know you hurt him too
Honey, when I'm above the trees
I see it for what it is
But now my eyes leak acid rain
On the pillow where you used to lay your head
After giving you the best I had
Tell me what to give after that
All you want from me now
Is the green light of forgiveness
You haven't met the new me yet
And I think she'll give you that
There'll be happiness after you
But there was happiness because of you too
Both of these things can be true
There is happiness
In our history
Across our great divide
There is a glorious sunrise
Dappled with the flickers of light
From the dress I wore at midnight
Leave it all behind
Oh, leave it all behind
Leave it all behind
And there is happiness...
​www.youtube.com/watch?v=tP4TTgt4nb0

Hope...What does it feel like? Can you even remember the last time you felt it? The feeling of hope? That feeling where you get a boost of positive energy, you smile and feel it within the deep depths of your soul that everything will get better and everything is going to be okay? I think most of us forgot what that felt like dealing with 2020. It’s been an awful year for all of us. It’s been scary, confusing, ugly, and evil. How is it even possible to feel the slightest bit of hope?

Donald Trump lost the 2020 election. We now have two vaccines to help combat Covid-19...I want to scream joy from the mountain tops. I want to cry tears of happiness. I want to hug my friends and never let them go. I want to dance my sorrows away and bathe in the moonlight while feeling free from this evil sociopath, while also for the first time seeing a glimmer of hope because we are finally possibly starting to defeat this pandemic...

When Trump was defeated on Election Day and by the electoral college, I felt and did some of those things. I felt “hopeful” for the first time in years. I felt the brightest light come and shine a bit for the first time through all this darkness....Like when a tree loses its leaves in the winter and the leaves slowly but surely start to come back in the spring bringing the tree back to life. 

However, through the happiness of this defeat, while experiencing the first feelings of hope in a long time, and all the happiness that comes with it, for some reason I’ve been finding myself falling through a rabbit hole. Getting suckered into old bad feelings, old bad habits, and feeling darkness even though the light is right there finally, for the first time in a long time, for all of us to see. Trauma will do that to you....

I guess I struggle with feeling happy. What is happiness? I thought I felt it for years in my relationship. But I realized I was wrong, I was miserable and hurting. I thought I experienced it with certain friendships. I was also wrong. I think? 

I guess the hardest thing for me to accept is there was actual happiness, despite all the bad things. The happiness was real just as much as the bad things were too...Leave it all behind...

A year ago I launched this blog. I am proud of how far I’ve come since then. I was suicidal, I was hurting, I was betrayed, and I was angry. All of the things that put me in a bad place occurred two years ago. The first year was the worst. I dug myself in a hole of financial burden which I’m still trying to get myself out of. I put on a lot of weight. I’d eat too much or eat nothing at all, and drink my sorrows away until I’d black out. I attempted to kill myself. I had a nervous breakdown because I had already been through enough traumatic things in life.

I was not sure how to get myself out of it. Therapy didn’t work and the stress of my job didn’t help. I tried dating again and kept repeating bad patterns and making bad choices. I truly just completely lost myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I didn’t understand life anymore. I could not make sense of anything. I just wanted to die. I was tired of screaming, tired of crying, tired of feeling so hurt and angry. Tired of missing someone constantly and not being able to make it stop....

So I took a risk. I started writing about it. I wrote about all the dark feelings, dark times, and hardships. I wrote about my emotions in depth without getting into specific details or naming names which was hard. I let everything pour out that was eating me alive inside my head. 

I wanted to start a blog to write about pop culture, sex, and dating. I wanted it to be cute and not too deep and be relatable to people. I post a lot of crap on Facebook from politics to pop culture, but I almost never got very personal. Nobody knew how imperfect my life was. How imperfect my relationship was. It seems like all I cared about was falsely showing off how perfect everything was...I was showing a false pretty picture of perfection so I could continuously live in a bubble and pretend that everything was amazing and fine when in reality it actually wasn’t...Never in a million years did I think I would ever be comfortable to admit that...

To put myself out there like this was the biggest risk I ever took in my life. At first I was petrified. But I realized through all the writing I was slowly healing. I was slowly feeling better, I was slowly but surely making progress, even if it was a little bit at a time. In many ways I finally was starting to feel free. 

I took the risk and I did it. Revealed my truths, my story. I even owned up to my wrongs and my faults over and over again. Some people read it, some gave me praise for it, and it helped heal a few relationships in my life. It brought me closer to some people. It helped me make new friends. A lot of people would come to me and share their thoughts, give me feedback, and also tell me how my posts are relatable for them. Even people who I didn’t think would ever read it would send me private messages.

Unfortunately through my progress and start of this blog, things turned for the worst and I was facing another traumatic challenge. The pandemic happened, I got sick and was put out of work for three weeks. Life and everything as we knew it changed and still to this day has not gone back to being the same. 

I had to become a soldier and go to work in this. Never in my life have I seen anything so devastating, so scary, and so awful. These people became zombies, they were slowly being eaten alive, suffering, and had to go through it all alone. People of all ages, races, sexes, and body types. No matter who the person was, it didn’t make it any easier to watch. There was an overwhelming amount of death, sadness, and hopelessness. 

Then there was the constant fear of catching it and possibly dying from it or thinking about a loved one who can end up like that. There was also fear of thinking about the person who hurt you the most who you struggled so hard to get over, could possibly go through that and it would kill you if they did....

The anger was real too. Probably the most anger I felt in years. Angry towards selfish people who don’t work in hospitals and don’t get how bad this virus got for healthcare workers dealing with it hands on. Angry at people who constantly shit on healthcare workers in general and have the need to downplay all they went through to feel just as important. All essential people matter, anyone out there working is risking their life, but please don’t downplay everything healthcare workers had to see and deal with. 

Having to be exposed to people who you know for sure have the virus and seeing death and the worst of the virus is extremely traumatic. People who didn’t experience any of it seem to not care at all and refuse to understand how it affected people working in hospitals....It’s like they’re angry that healthcare workers were called “heroes” and shitted on the fact that they are heroes since they’re the front liners dealing with it hands on. 

There was anger towards people you know and care about downplaying this and rolling their eyes at you and thinking you’re crazy when you share your experiences with them. Getting eye rolls and laughed at when you explain why you feel so strongly that people need to follow restrictions.  

There was anger and sadness when people you know and care about support Donald Trump despite how horrific he was with this pandemic and how horrific he is in general. The anger was through the roof when knowing that half the country voted for him...More people voted for him now than in 2016. Thank god he lost, but it’s unbelievable. 

The anger is real when Trump falsely keeps claiming the election was rigged, lies to his base and says he actually won by a landslide, won’t admit defeat, continues to downplay the virus and people you know and care about are brainwashed to believe these lies. They are so brainwashed because they are apart of his cult along with half the country. This also causes anxiety that somehow he will find a way to steal the election. 

The anger was and is real when black people constantly face injustice. Even during a pandemic. And you have to go out there in the middle of a pandemic and protest and fight for black lives, and deal with people you know who shit on the Black Lives Matter movement and believe in these fake articles about how violent these protests were. Yes there was looting but not to the degree people made it out to be. The lack of empathy and understanding in all of this is what made me the most angry. But I was happy to protest and fight against the hatred...


Part 2 Losing My Grandmother and Myself 
Never be so kind, you forget to be clever
Never be so clever, you forget to be kind
And if I didn't know better
I'd think you were talking to me now
If I didn't know better
I'd think you were still around
What died didn't stay dead
What died didn't stay dead
You're alive, you're alive in my head
What died didn't stay dead
What died didn't stay dead
You're alive, so alive
Never be so polite, you forget your power
Never wield such power, you forget to be polite
And if I didn't know better
I'd think you were listening to me now
If I didn't know better
I'd think you were still around
What died didn't stay dead
What died didn't stay dead
You're alive, you're alive in my head
What died didn't stay dead
What died didn't stay dead
You're alive, so alive
The autumn chill that wakes me up
You loved the amber skies so much
Long limbs and frozen swims
You'd always go past where our feet could touch
And I complained the whole way there
The car ride back and up the stairs
I should've asked you questions
I should've asked you how to be
Asked you to write it down for me
Should've kept every grocery store receipt
'Cause every scrap of you would be taken from me
Watched as you signed your name Marjorie
All your closets of backlogged dreams
And how you left them all to me
What died didn't stay dead
What died didn't stay dead
You're alive, you're alive in my head
What died didn't stay dead
What died didn't stay dead
You're alive, so alive
And if I didn't know better
I'd think you were singing to me now
If I didn't know better
I'd think you were still around
I know better
But I still feel you all around
I know better
But you're still around
www.youtube.com/watch?v=hP6QpMeSG6s

I felt myself going backwards emotionally and mentally. Add another traumatic thing to the list of traumatic things I dealt with in life and the past few years. My grandmother passed away from cancer in June. I lost myself again. 

She was everything. When I was a kid and there were hardships at home, she was there. When there were hardships in the family, she really tried to fix it all and stop the conflict. Every time she’d come to the city and sleep over our apartment for the weekend, it was the best weekend ever. Every family gathering and holiday she was the glue that kept us together. Losing her made me lose myself...

The emotions from losing her and the pandemic made me go backwards when I was doing so well with starting to move forward...I missed my ex, I was sad about the friendships that had ended. I felt so alone. Especially since the pandemic forced us to isolate for so long. Originally I was okay with it because I already was basically socially distancing for a year since I cut off a lot of friendships and only had myself to get through everything.

Eventually you need human contact...I thought I was going to lose my mind. I reached out to my ex. I even romanticized that the pandemic would bring us back together and I would no longer be alone through all of this. I would no longer be alone through the sadness of losing my grandmother, through the fear of dying and getting sick, and through all the sadness that came from this presidency and from this pandemic. 

I was delusional at first. I thought the spark was there and there was a chance for a reconnection. I was so hopeful and prayed so hard for it. I realized I was wrong. Unfortunately he became unrecognizable and changed in many ways. Maybe he finally was showing me the person he was hiding from me all along, or perhaps our breakup and the state of the world changed him too. I’m not sure. But I finally knew it was over and it was time to let go and move on. This is why I couldn’t cut him off when I initially tried. This is why I had those feelings again. Because it was time to face the fact that I never allowed myself to let go and move on and I finally had to realize it was time to. Everything happens for a reason...

I know I do this every time
I walk the line, I play with fire
And I stop myself before the crime
I walk the line, yeah, I play with fire
I don't wanna push you way too much
I don't wanna lean that way too far
I don't wanna ever learn the hard way
But if you're looking for stable, that'll never be me
If you're looking for faithful, that'll never be me
If you're looking for someone to be all that you need
That'll never be me
(Hard as I try)
That'll never be me
(I play with fire)
Dry your tears now, don't you cry
I'm by your side, at least for a while
I know I do this every time
I walk the line, yeah, I play with fire
I don't wanna push you way too much
I don't wanna lean that way too far
I don't wanna ever learn the hard way, no
I don't wanna keep you in the dark
I don't wanna gamble with your heart
I don't wanna ever leave you lonely
But if you're looking for stable, that'll never be me
If you're looking for faithful, that'll never be me
If you're looking for someone to be all that you need
That'll never be me
(Hard as I try)
That'll never be me
(I play with fire)
Can't get too close to the sun (Fire)
Baby, you're the only one, oh, I
I'd never lie to you, baby, oh (Fire)
You give me a reason to run from the fire
'Cause baby, you're the only one
Oh, I swear I'd never lie
If you're looking for stable, that'll never be me
But I hope that I'm able to be all that you need
If you think that I'm someone to give up and leave
That'll never be me, no
If you think that I'm someone to give up and leave
That'll never be me
(Hard as I try)
That'll never be me, no
(I play with fire)
That'll never be me
www.youtube.com/watch?v=qniEbNzBT20

I’ve learned to accept that I’ll never be stable. I’ll never be perfect. I need to find someone who accepts me for who I am.  I think that’s why when I met guys over the past two years being single that expected too much from me and wanted to rush into things, I just couldn’t. They needed to really get to know me before rushing. I mean these were the flaws I had to learn to accept about myself in my last relationship. Despite these flaws, I still know I love with everything in my heart and soul and one day someone will be grateful to have me.

It wasn’t easy to finally let go, it still isn’t, but it was a great reminder it was really time to let go. It was time to go on a spiritual journey, make sense of this crazy thing called life, and find myself. It was time to start to finally feel hopeful and stop feeling so hopeless. 

Part 3 Come alive 

I'm in the sky where I ought to be and, I been watching you
Rocket ship takin' off and that, now I'm onto you
Mouth closed, I don't want your opinion, who you talking to?
Stand up now, I don't wanna blend in, why you want me to?
They say we are like a bee
And all I want is peace peace peace peace peace peace
See the world, haven't seen it all
I wanna see, see, see, see and see these dreams
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Dream's real it's alive
Come alive, come and
I can't react how you thought I'd react, I would never for you
Front line, I won't stand in the back 'cause you want me to
Mouth closed, I don't want you opinion, who you talking to?
Stand out, no I don't wanna blend in, why you want me to?
They say we are like a bee
And all I want is peace peace peace peace peace peace
See the world, haven't seen it all
I wanna see, see, see, see and see these dreams
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Dream's real it's alive
Come alive, come and
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come and
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come and
Who you talking to?
Who you talking to?
I'm in the sky where I ought to be and, I been watching you
Rocket ship takin' off and that, now I'm onto you
Mouth closed, I don't want your opinion, who you talking to?
Stand out, no I don't wanna blend in, why you want me to?
They say we are like a bee
And all I want is peace peace peace peace peace peace
See the world, haven't seen it all
I wanna see, see, see, see and see these dreams
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Dream's real it's alive
Come alive, come and
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Dream's real it's alive
Come alive, come and
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come and
Wrong line, I won't stand on the back
Wrong line, I won't stand on the back
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
Come alive, come alive
www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pbKbkygsLo

Many people my whole life have called me crazy, tried to silence me, and make me feel like I am wrong about everything. Every emotion, every feeling, literally everything. To the point where I’ve questioned myself and my sanity over and over again...By writing each blog entry I felt more and more exhilarated. I felt I can finally come alive and validate my feelings on everything for the first time ever. A lot of people in my life always thought that I made up stories, thought that I was crazy, and laughed at me and rolled their eyes at me each and every time I shared my experiences, feelings, or opinions  on things. 

I’ve finally learned that that’s okay, I know deep down what I have been through to make me this way, and I finally feel alive and free to be able to let it all out. As I’ve quoted Madonna saying this at her Madame X tour in some of my past entries: 

“I’m not here to be loved, I’m here to be free”...


Earlier I asked what hope was...I think I finally have an idea. Hope is being one of the very first people on the planet getting the covid vaccine. Yes you read that right! I got it. And felt so liberated. I have to wait 28 days for the next dosage, but knowing I was one of the first brought tears, joy, and happiness to my coworkers and I. Hope is having positive thoughts that this pandemic is not forever and we are in the beginning stages of slowly but surely going back to normal. 

Hope is finally feeling like you’re moving on from someone who you constantly thought about all year, constantly wrote about, and felt like you’d never get over. 

Hope is maybe finally liking someone new who has potential and is really nice so far as you feel vibes out with him. 

Hope is knowing Donald Trump lost the election despite how frightening he is behaving  because of it. 

Hope is when your parent gets covid and it was very mild for them and they are doing fine. 

Hope is when you listen to a song, it speaks to your soul, and it is so relatable to you, that it helps you in many creative ways and helps you pour your heart out just as much as that singer did vocally while singing the lyrics. 

I wish I was a good singer and I wish I could write songs. But I am grateful for the music I listened to this year because it helped me stay alive more than anything else and helped influence me to write each entry I have written for this blog. It’s crazy how much music has been an influence on my life. I never thought I’d ever be a big Taylor Swift fan, but her albums Folklore and Evermore completely saved my life...

It’s been a great year because of this blog. I will forever be grateful to myself for doing this. It’s helped me so much. But now I am ready for bigger and better projects and things. I’ve had dreams of doing certain things with writing since I was a child. This was one of them, now I’m ready to move on to the bigger goals I’ve always dreamed about. 

I am not sure if I will continue this. I will keep it here for a while, for whenever I’m going through a rough time in life and need to pour it all out. I will keep this here forever for that. This however is the last chapter from talking about the same things over and over again. 

I realize this became very repetitive. If you read each entry from day one, so many of the same things have been brought up over and over again. I am not going to lie, these are things that were constantly haunting me and things I couldn’t let go of...The struggle was real. The struggle is still real. But I realized it’s not healthy to keep dwelling. To keep reliving each emotion, to keep moving backwards and being so sad about it all. Enough. Leave it all behind....

I’m not sure when I’ll finally fully heal or be at peace. But I do know the first step is to come alive, be grateful for all the hopeful things that have been occurring while this awful year is coming to an end, and stop dwelling on all the awful things that have happened.

I am grateful that I have become very spiritual over the past two years. Ever since I stood on the edge of the cliff at the Grand Canyon, my spiritual journey started that day. There were many ups and downs since then, but two years later I feel like I am finally fully getting there. 

This has been some journey. I reached a new decade this year as well when turning thirty in September. I’m slowly but surely learning to say “no” and not care about being selfish. I slowly but surely am learning to love myself and put myself first which is something I never was able to do. And that also gives me hope. 

Thanks to all who have been there for me and who have read this. Thanks to those who gave feedback and shared your stories with me as well. I’m not sure if this will continue, for now I’m taking it a day at a time. 

Peace and love, happy new year! And be safe!