I Wasn't Lost...

​Another mother's breaking heart is taking over
When the violence causes silence we must be mistaken
It's the same old theme since nineteen-sixteen
In your head, in your head, they're still fighting...
With their tanks, and their bombs
And their bombs, and their guns
In your head, in your head, they are dying

When I was going to take time to write my next post I never expected it was going to go in this direction. Or that all these things that have happened would end up occurring during the month of March. Not in a 100,000 years. I never expected this. I don’t think any of us did....

I don’t know what to say. I’m at a loss for words. I thought I was going to get the last things I needed to get off my chest about my ex and everything I went through. I thought this was gonna be the last chapter to my healing process while I am trying so hard to move on with my life. But just as I was trying to get over one virus that lasted way too long and took what feels like a lifetime to heal and move on from, we are now all facing the scariest virus I have ever seen. Not just me, but every single one of us....

I work in the health field and I’ve known about Corona virus and what it is for a few years. Actually back in 2018 when I had just started my job, I got really sick. I had flu like symptoms, body aches, I felt like I was hit by a truck. I felt my throat getting worse sitting at my desk and my boss sent me to our work force, health, and safety office to get checked out. They evaluated me, put a swob up my nose, told me flu came out negative and told me I had something called “corona virus”. Not the COVID-19 strain FYI.
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I had never heard of this before and thought it was weird. They told me it basically was like the common cold, it was nothing to be concerned about. I googled it and asked my colleagues and friends at work and they explained it to me too as being a strain of the common cold. I was told there’s no meds for it and that it could take 6-8 weeks to get out of my body and I just needed to take over the counter meds and get some rest. I felt like death on and off for a few weeks but it was okay to go to work at the time, unless I was really sick with a fever of course, but it was basically just the common cold....

Now we are dealing with something similar but much worse. Much much worse. Corona Virus hit the news about three months ago. We knew about it for a long time. I guess we never expected it to hit the world the way that it has. But the fact that it was brought up to our intelligence committee three months ago and our “president” did absolutely nothing is shameful.
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His lies have put dangerous misleading information and words into people’s heads. Which is what he’s always done, but when it comes to something like this it’s completely and utterly dangerous. This is literally a pandemic the whole world is facing. The amount of fake articles, conspiracy theories, people questioning this saying “do you even know anyone who has it?” on social media. Now a lot of us do know people who have it. Some of us even do have it. 

The amount of people saying they will not follow the rules. The amount of people saying this is made up by the media. It’s horrifically shameful. “Shameful” is a word I have been using a lot lately...I went into a store wearing a mask and the man at the register said I didn’t need the mask, that  this all was made up by the media. That only god can save us and no one else. I told him that’s dangerous to say to customers because they won’t take this seriously and will listen to him, that it’s not made up because I work in health and have been sick. My coworkers and colleagues are risking their lives exposing themselves every single day. They are on the front of the lines. I told him shame on him and he said “only god can save us, it’s all lie!” I told him god won’t be happy that he’s not listening or taking precautions and that he will put other people at risk for not listening, and god for sure won’t like that! The man works at a store called “Day and night” in Parkchester in the Bronx. I am calling them out since I couldn’t get a hold of the store manager. I will never go in there again. 

Trump did this. He’s planted zombies in everyones heads and it’s eating their brains out. Causing so much harm through this epidemic. It’s the cranberries song from the 90s but happening in real life. It’s truly scary. 
Here are some of his quoted lies over the past few months:
• Feb 10th:
“You know in April supposedly it dies with warm weather”. 
“You know a lot of people think that goes away in April with the heat—as the heat comes in. Typically that will go away in April”. 
“Looks like by April, you know in theory, when it gets a little warmer, it miraculously goes away. I hope that’s true”.

•Feb 24th:
Tweet: “The corona virus is very much under control in the USA”.

•Feb 26th:
“I think every aspect of our society should be prepared. I don’t think it’s going to come to that, especially with the fact that we’re going down, not up”. 
“And again, when you have 15 people, and the 15 people within a couple of days is going to be down to close to zero, that’s a pretty good job we’ve done”.

•March 4th:
“The Obama administration made a decision on testing that turned out to be very detrimental to what we’re doing. And we undid that decision a few days ago so that the testing can take place in a much more accurate and rapid fashion. That was a decision we disagreed with”. 
Then on March 5th: “They made some decisions which were not good decisions. We undid some regulations that were made that made it very difficult, but I’m not blaming anybody”. 
There is no Obama era decision or rule that impeded coronavirus testing. They did discuss different types of testing in labs there were never implemented. When asked what decision Obama made on testing Trump was referring to, chief policy officer Peter Kyriacopolois of the association of public health laboratories said, he had “no idea”.....

•March 6th:
“Anybody who wants a test can get a test. That’s what the bottom line is”. 

And let’s not forget when he called this all a hoax...”Now the Democrats are politicizing the coronavirus,” “They have no clue they can’t even count their votes in Iowa. This is their new hoax”....

Fast forward to March 8th....

I woke up in the middle of the night with a fever, body aches, and the chills really bad. I felt like I was hit by a truck. My body was trembling. I had a strain of coronavirus two years ago as I mentioned earlier, but this felt worse, much worse. I was freaking out given everything that’s going on. 

I work for a hospital and one of our benefits as employees is we can do a virtual chat with a doctor, kind of like a virtual urgent care. I spoke to a doctor immediately, obviously concerned for dear life that I in fact may have the COVID-19 coronavirus. I told her my symptoms. She tried to convince me it probably isn’t corona, but that even if I had it I am young and probably healthy and would be fine. I mentioned to her that I couldn’t stop coughing and that there was a little blood in my mucus when I would spit it out. She made me feel all this was normal but that if the fever continued for 3-4 days that I should go get evaluated by a doctor or go to the ER. 

Three days later I still had a fever. Mind you of course, of ALL TIMES, the only thermometer I had was broken and wouldn’t turn on, when I was trying to monitor my temperature. I ended up going to urgent care. I was coughing up a storm, had the chills, was pale, and felt like death. The doctor took my temperature and it was 101. He told me he thought it was most likely the flu. He tested me for the flu and it came out negative. He told me it’s definitely just a virus and told me why he felt it was not corona. He said it sounded upper respiratory and that corona is lower respiratory and that he wasn’t too concerned, that I should just stay home for a few days. My boss also advised me to stay home till I felt better. Mind you people with the virus have had many different symptoms, the symptoms were all over the place. A friend of mine was tested positive and he also didn’t have lower respiratory symptoms. 
The fever did break after a week and I felt a lot better but I still had a lingering cough. I felt like I’d be okay with just a cough and can go back to work.

To get back to work, I had to be evaluated at our work force, health, and safety office. If they said I was okay I could’ve gone right back to work. I was coughing so bad that they would not clear me. They told me I could come back to work after the cough subsides, that I should probably take the rest of the week off, and I would get cleared if I saw a doctor who would clear me in writing and felt that I no longer had symptoms.
 
After that, I wasn’t able to get cleared twice, but finally a third time I was finally considered healthy and symptom free and  got cleared. I was losing my mind and wanted to get back to work so badly.

When I went to the doctor the first time after going to work force, health, and safety he said my cough was too symptomatic. I went from getting the whole run around of why this was not corona, I was explaining this to my boss through every step, to then I was too “symptomatic” and might possibly have it. I was so confused. 

I wasn’t tested when I first got sick cause thanks to Donald Trump, New York City almost had unlimited tests at the time, including all urgent cares but he put a stop to it. He wanted the numbers to stay low and would rather people go untested unless they knew for sure they were exposed or had traveled. I work in a hospital. I was asked each time I saw a doctor if I knew if I was exposed or if I had traveled, and since I said “I didn’t know for sure” and that I didn’t travel they would not test me. Does that make any sense? Let me take my crystal ball out and see if it will let me know if I was exposed....
It has gotten to the point where NYC is now testing most sick people because the virus has hit us horrifically. To the point where so many people are dying that some hospitals made make shift morgues for all the dead bodies. Our hospitals are so over packed with sick people that we don’t have space for them if they die. And Trump refuses to give NY more ventilators.  I swear he’s so jealous of Andrew Cuomo and his leadership he’d rather New Yorkers die than help them. 

When I tried to get cleared for work a second time the doctor gave me an inhaler to fight the cough and a number to call, general city number, to try and make an appointment to get tested for the virus. I was on hold for two hours to be told “you’re in the system, we’ll call you back with an appointment”. And I was like “do you know when I’ll get a call?” And the guy said “sorry there’s no telling”. The issue is, since testing wasn’t allowed at first, now they are so backed up that they are putting people on waiting lists. They also are struggling to get results out to people. Again, if my symptoms were much worse I’d maybe have had a better chance of getting tested. But since a cough is a symptom, I also could not get cleared for work. I was told the best thing to do is just stay home. 

I was called a week later to setup an appointment to get tested. Even though my symptoms were pretty much gone and tests can’t show if I previously had the virus. The lady on the phone told me her system froze and someone would call me back within 15-30 minutes. She also told me how she went through the same exact thing as me. Guess what? I never got a call back. Thank god the doctors made me stay home and cleared me once they felt that I was okay. What is crazy is now the urgent care I have been going to has testing. I was told if they had it when I first went and was very sick I would’ve been tested. 

One of the doctors I saw through all this, told me I most likely would not get tested. She told me about how overwhelmed the New York City hospitals are, she does testing as well. She told me they aren’t even able to test very sick people anymore, that they are just putting them into ICUs and monitoring them. That unless my symptoms get worse, all I could do is stay home. She put me on a new cough medicine that I needed to take for seven days and once I was re-evaluated after that, I was cleared for work. 

This has been a nightmare. A complete nightmare. Three weeks and five visits to the doctor. I’ve been living in fear of having this virus, I don’t know for sure if I had or didn’t have it, I haven’t been able to get tested, and I was not able to be cleared for work for three weeks, losing pay at that. I have slowly but surely been losing my mind. I live alone and had to take care of myself through all of this. 

The silver lining is right before I got sick, it was confirmed that I can keep my apartment. And that was something I was scared about when my ex and I broke up. That as it would get closer to when the lease would end that they’d kick me out and not let me renew. I was in so much fear of it every day for a year and I found out I can keep my apartment. And it would be my first apartment ever that’s just mine, under my name. And I am and was so happy when I found out and I had to go get sick the day after I got the confirmation and now have a new fear in my life. I did learn how independent I am while having to take care of myself and my apartment alone through all of this. For that I do feel good. 

I wanted my new post to be about how a year ago I finally put my foot down and asked my ex a second time to move out after living together for 6 months while broken up. And it was incredibly hard for me to let go of him and ask him to leave but I eventually found the strength. And exactly a whole year later, April 1st, I am now much better than I was a year ago when he finally left, and even compared to a few months ago, and officially have the place to myself. It was going to be a Beyoncé  inspired post. Because through her music I also found strength through my breakup. Her music really speaks for me and everything I went through throughout the relationship. And I wanted to finally dive into all that and let it all out for the last time. This blog has been my “lemonade” after all....

My post wasn’t able to go in the direction I wanted it to. And I guess I’m lost. I tried to lift myself up, I felt a new sense of closure and have been ready to start my life over. But here we are back tracked now....But I guess I’m still lost. As Madonna sings in her song “extreme occident”: “No I wasn’t lost. It was a different feeling. A mix of lucidity and craziness, but I wasn’t lost believe me”. That’s how life has felt the past year and a half. Completely. Another song on her Madame X album that will inspire another blog post. This one. The truth is I’ve always known who I was inside, but I always felt so lost trying to be that person. Trying to please everyone and getting so damn hurt and holding my true self within. Just so I can make everyone else happy. 

This is why I now hate pressure from people because the guilt makes me feel like I cannot be myself. And even though I know who I am, all of life’s events have been so painful, that it makes me feel so lost even when I’m not lost. If that makes any sense. It’s like having self awareness about certain things but not being able to change them and being stuck. But as she also says “I was right, and I’ve got the right to choose my own life. Like a full circle. Life is a circle”. Life really is a circle, it keeps spinning and there’s always hope for new beginnings and for change. 

Now I am dealing with this and my mindset has just completely changed. Maybe it’s because I’m too tired. I’m too scared. Scared for myself, scared for my parents, scared for my grandma, and everyone I care about. I am angry that we have a president who is fucking this up royally, and his supporters can’t call him out over this one thing, not this ONE thing. He doesn’t know how to compose himself and be diplomatic, he can’t even say words of hope to frightened Americans when asked to do so. Instead he berates and antagonizes the reporter for asking him to do so. He spreads his hate and division still through all this by calling it the “Chinese virus” and people make excuses for that too. Shame on them. And he’s done nothing but try and downplay this virus, he wants to reopen the country and go back to business as usual by Easter and have “churches packed”...He is a disgrace. Blood is on his hands and anyone who supports him. It went from doing nothing about school shootings to this.
He once said he can shoot someone on 5th Avenue and people would still support him. He can allow a whole pandemic to wipe out millions of people and people will still support him. I truly think it’s the end of the world. 

Through all this my ex texted me to check on me and I chose to ignore him. While I know he meant well and I don’t want to be bitter, he put me through so much throughout our seven years together, I took so much and had no self respect, and he made me feel like a lunatic the whole time through all that he did to me. Then even after our breakup and all those things that happened that he knew was bothering me, suddenly he’s concerned about my well being?  No thank you. I do worry and hope he’s well through all of this though and it wasn’t easy ignoring him. Of course a part of me wanted to see how he was and tell him what I was going through but I told myself it’s better not to. I wasn’t a saint either and I’m not trying to play victim but I think he needs to learn to just leave me alone. 

I don’t need to make my Beyonce inspired post anymore because ::Cardi B voice:: CORONA VIRUS! Shit is getting real. But I am healed from that part of my life because now I have to be. There is literally too much real shit going on. And now that I am cleared for work, I’ll be dealing with exposure to this virus every single day, and putting myself at risk every single day, because I work in a hospital. I need everyone to stop listening to our shitty president. He literally said the media is trying to keep the country and economy closed so that he won’t get re-elected. The only one making this political is him and mind you our state of NY is suffering so much right now. Imagine when it hits other states. I hope their leaders are as strong willed and brave as Andrew Cuomo who has been kicking ass. I officially have a crush on him. I hope every governor of every state ignores Trump and looks at what’s happening in NYC to prevent it from happening there. 

If you care about nurses or doctors, your friends who work in health, your elderly parents, grandparents, family members and friends. Friends and loved ones with health issues. Please do not listen to this horrific man. Please please consider calling him out on this one thing, really think about if he should be president again with how he is handling this and shitting on New York. Haven’t we dealt with enough after 9/11? 
Thank you to my doctor friends, nurse friends, my team at work, all of my colleagues. Family members who are nurses or work in health. Doctors at urgent care I have seen through all this, who are swamped and tired and exhausted. 

We all may not wear capes, but we are super heroes through all this. You are also a super hero if you comply and listen to the rules and stay home! 
Be grateful for healthcare workers, they are at the front of the lines fighting this. And for all our sakes this is why I ask to stop believing the president and the conspiracy theories. Believe healthcare workers, take this seriously follow the rules, and stay home. It is sickening the amount of people, Trump supporters or not, who are refusing to believe this is real and want to believe every conspiracy theory and break the rules. It’s beyond dangerous so cut that shit out! NOW! 
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Stay safe everyone! Don’t let the zombies in your head get to you through all this! And don’t let yourself feel “lost”...

Songs to inspire post:

Extreme Occident By Madonna:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAPugOdydJA
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Zombie By The Cranberries:
​www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ejga4kJUts


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