It's Time To Go...

Part 1 The Lakes
Is it romantic how all my elegies eulogize me?
I'm not cut out for all these cynical clones
These hunters with cell phones
Take me to the lakes where all the poets went to die
I don't belong, and my beloved, neither do you
Those Windermere peaks look like a perfect place to cry
I'm setting off, but not without my muse
What should be over burrowed under my skin
In heart-stopping waves of hurt
I've come too far to watch some namedropping sleaze
Tell me what are my words worth
Take me to the lakes where all the poets went to die
I don't belong, and my beloved, neither do you
Those Windermere peaks look like a perfect place to cry
I'm setting off, but not without my muse
I want auroras and sad prose
I want to watch wisteria grow right over my bare feet
'Cause I haven't moved in years
And I want you right here
A red rose grew up out of ice frozen ground
With no one around to tweet it
While I bathe in cliffside pools
With my calamitous love and insurmountable grief
Take me to the lakes where all the poets went to die
I don't belong, and my beloved, neither do you
Those Windermere peaks look like a perfect place to cry
I'm setting off, but not without my muse
No, not without you
www.youtube.com/watch?v=tOHcAc3r2kw

​It's been a while. How are y'all doing? Happy spring. Happy Easter! Happy birthday to my beautiful grandmother in heaven. Today, she would have been 84. I can't believe it's almost going to be a year since she has been gone. If you're reading this, wherever you are Grandma, I love you and I miss you so much every day.

I took a break from this for a few months. I wasn't sure if I was going to even start it up again. But I felt like it was time to give it another try. I revamped my site a bit. I decided to change the name of the website to something that is more me. This is the real me. This is who I have become over the past few months. I am in a new stage in my life where I am learning to accept things that happened in the past and the things that continue to happen that are out of my control. I am learning that it is okay if you are not fully healed or moved on from past events. I am learning to identify the different types of trauma I have endured. This new transition has been interesting, scary, fun, upsetting, emotional, and so many other things I am not quite sure how to describe.

Despite some of the bad that has come with it, I am finally in the exact place where I need to be. I am grateful for it because even though I wish it was better or different than what it is, I am just happy for this transition and being able to finally stop dwelling on things that happened in the past constantly, and being able to focus on what I am dealing with right now. I am able to finally focus on today, not yesterday, or tomorrow.

This post was supposed to go in a different direction, but as always, life's events can get in the way of what was originally intended...However, this is exactly why I started this up again at the perfect time. As I started writing again, the universe has brought me more difficult occurrences to test my patience and my heart...As always, I fight to find the strength to keep my heart from shattering into a million little pieces...

I always had a problem with validating my feelings. I always convinced myself I was crazy and that I was wrong through each and every experience I have been through. I thought starting a blog to let out my feelings was insane. I know some people spoke negatively about it. They put negative energy onto this, telling me I have a problem, I need to stop putting my business out there, I need to move on and stop dwelling on a past relationship or things that have hurt me. I have been told that I am an attention seeker. "What should be over burrowed under my skin, in heart-stopping waves of hurt?
I've come too far to watch some namedropping sleaze tell me what are my words worth".

These types of negative comments almost affected me. To the point where I was going to stop doing this. But why should I? I have issues speaking up for myself when it comes to relationships or friendships and this is my outlet to release everything that I am holding in. I find nothing wrong with it. I find it beautiful and powerful.
​
A best friend of mine moved to a new apartment that is right near the beach. It was the first nice day of the year back in March, and we decided to head to the beach to watch the sunset. That day I felt so liberated and motivated to start writing again. The sunset always looks the most beautiful on the beach, just as the moon always looks most beautiful on the beach... I could not help put stick my toes into the freezing cold water. It was frigid, but it felt good. I almost felt like I was letting go of so much and it empowered me to come back and do this again. "I want auroras and sad prose.
I want to watch wisteria grow right over my bare feet, 'cause I haven't moved in years,
and I want you right here. A red rose grew up out of ice frozen ground with no one around to tweet it. While I bathe in cliffside pools with my calamitous love and insurmountable grief".

Sometimes I am not sure about so many things. Writing is not the only thing I go back and forth with. I am not sure if I should just stay single, or put myself out there and continue to try and find someone to have a relationship with. I feel I have put myself out there the past three years of being single and it's been nothing but disappointment, disconnections, and wastes of time. The bigger issue is that I have so much to work on when it comes to myself. I have so much I still need to fix and progress with, that I truly need to face reality and continue to do those things before allowing myself to fall for someone again.

In this time frame of being single and living on my own, right before the pandemic, there was only one person who I liked who was a total waste of time. Luckily I had the strength and enough self love to end things with that person when they showed me who they really were because I was always the type to take a lot of shit or sit back and let things occur without speaking up about it. That is no longer who I am...Well...So I thought...Take me to the lakes where all the poets went to die...

Part 2 Gasoline
You took me back
but you shouldn't have...
Now it's your fault
if I mess around.
I took a drag,
but I shouldn't have
Now I'm coughing up
like I never smoked a pack
Gasoline
Pretty please
I wanna get off
But you're such a tease
Throw the keys
Back to me
Go on and kick off your boots
In the passenger seat
I get sad
You know I get sad
And I can't look past
what I'm sad about
You did me bad
And I did it back
You needed ass
Well, what's wrong with that?
Gasoline
Pretty please
I wanna get off
But you're such a tease
Throw the keys
Back to me
Go on and kick off your boots
In the passenger seat
We're watching the sunrise from the kitchen counter
When you're lyin' between my legs it doesn't matter
You say you wanna go slower but I wanna go faster
Faster and faster
Gasoline
Pretty please
I wanna get off
But you're such a tease
www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfanaOMZzdM

These days, considering everything I have been through, it really will take a lot for me to like someone and want to get to know them. First of all, we are living in the times of covid. Dating during covid has been interesting. It's exhausting, frustrating, and honestly hilarious. How can one possibly have any expectations and take meeting someone so seriously when we are living in a time where we have to isolate and can't be around most people? With these vaccines out there, there is hope for a future, but right now we are still in this.

The hardest thing about dating right now is also that most human beings are not taking this pandemic seriously. They let down their guard and stopped being so scared to do things that they probably should not be doing. So if you're putting yourself out there, there comes the risk of putting yourself in danger because even though you might be safe and are following precautions, most people just are not.

I have friends that meet guys online or wherever, and when they ask them about getting tested before a hangout or a date, they get ghosted or treated like they are crazy for asking. I recently told a guy I take covid seriously to this day and am very careful. He laughed at me on the phone and said "aren't you exposed to covid every day at your job?" I told him "yes but at work all patients are tested. We know who has covid and who doesn't. We have proper PPE for when we are exposed. When you put yourself out into the real world you don't know who has it or who doesn't so that is why I am very cautious". Not much to say after that because he got me off the phone and basically ghosted me. He also was trying really hard to rush into a relationship interrogating me with all types of questions, as if it were a job interview, trying to find all the things that could possibly be wrong with me, so he could move on to the next potential boyfriend. People just don't know how to take things slow and really get to know someone...

Well... I take that back. Some people also move too slow when the potential is there... A while back I met this guy. How we met, I will get into maybe some other time. But there was something there. We definitely liked each other but he had a lot going on and he is not the type to rush into things. That is the exact type of guy I was looking for, minus the baggage, which is what I always seem to fall for... While things were moving extremely slow, the connection was stronger than the progression of us getting to know each other. I felt a deep connection with him, which is rare for me because I haven't really felt anything like this since I have been single the past few years.

The thing is, I move slow and my guard is up. But unfortunately when I catch feelings, all of that goes away. This is part of what was the biggest mistake with my last relationship. I feel like we kind of rushed into the relationship without really getting to know each other better first. Needless to say I was twenty years old. But if we truly knew each other better, maybe a whole lot of things could have been avoided and mistakes would not have been made. Maybe all the expectations I had would have never existed because I would have known this person was never going to meet my wants and needs and I would not have been let down.

The issue is, I suffer from body dysmorphia. I have spoken about this before but it is a real mental health issue. I think I am hideous from head to toe. A lot of people who suffer from this disease tend to not take care of themselves or their body. They either are too skinny or are overweight. This happens because we literally hate ourselves for feeling so ugly. Chances are, we are not actually ugly, but we think we are, and we obsess over it. We either starve ourselves to try and get skinny, or binge eat because it brings comfort and we feel there is no point in being healthy because nothing will change how we look.

My weight goes up and down. I sometimes will skip meals and then binge eat. I find comfort in food and I always have since I was a kid which is why at one point in my life I was over four hundred pounds.

We also tend to only fall for people who contribute to these insecurities that we have because we don't only hate ourselves physically, but we also don't value ourselves emotionally either. We think we deserve this type of behavior or someone who can't give us their all. Our mindset is, "how could anyone possibly ever be attracted to me?" When they treat us bad, our mindset is "I have to take this abuse because no one else would ever be attracted to me, so I am lucky to have someone give me the time of day, even if this is is all they are giving me"...

I am bringing this all up because people like me who suffer from this disease, do not do well in relationships due to the deep rooted insecurities that come with it. We still have standards, we still know who we are attracted to and what our type is. So when we come across someone who is our type and they are attracted to us it almost feels unbelievable. When it happens to me, I will think every single negative thought about it, putting that negative energy onto the potential lover, which gets in the way of any potential that there could possibly be. When you put negative things out into the universe, sometimes it actually does get in the way of any potential for something positive to happen to you. I know it's corny to say this, but I learned this the hard way, so please be careful people...

This guy I ended up liking showed me there is a connection and there is an attraction. I could not believe it. When you suffer from body dysmorphia and this happens, not only does a person get overly negative about it, but they also get overly excited at the same time. You almost envision an entire future together. You can already see the wedding, the babies, the sex, the whole future you could possibly have together. You have thoughts like "is this person finally going to be the person who accepts me for who I am?" "Is this person going to be the first person who makes me feel beautiful?". These types of thoughts can cause you to have feelings fast and you hope and pray so hard that it will go somewhere.

This person I encountered really taught me to identify this about myself. Without it even being brought up. He has no idea I am going through this or how strong my feelings are. I appreciate and am grateful for how slow he takes things because it helped me learn how important it is to truly vibe with someone and build a friendship with a strong connection before all else. It taught me to get to know someone inside and out, that way, as I mentioned earlier, you don't feel so hurt or let down when you have all these expectations.

With past lovers, relationships, casual encounters etc. I've never had someone look at me the way this person does though. That also contributed to feelings occurring. This is the first time I am deeply attracted to someone who I feel is deeply attracted to me too. Other guys would straight up tell me they just liked my personality. I'd hear things like "looks aren't everything to me, I like good personalities on people more than anything". While that is sweet to hear, and important I shall add, it still can feel shitty. It is shitty because they basically are telling me I am not that beautiful but I am dope. I am not sexy but I am so cool and that is all that matters.

I want to feel beautiful damn it! I do hope my personality outweighs my looks because my body is not a porn star body. I am overweight, I have many imperfections. However, while physical attraction isn't everything, it still is important. It should not be the main reason you are with someone, I have made the mistake of confusing physical attraction/infatuation with love. But it still needs to be there to an extent. See, sex is not everything, but a body to body connection like that is very beautiful and very spiritual. You could have dry sex with any person, but if someone is deeply attracted to you and your body, that is the type of sex that is the best sex. It is an out of body experience. Unfortunately though, that type of sex can be mistaken and confused with love. Someone who has body dysmorphia and experiences this type of sex, will get the wrong idea if the person they are having sex with is not looking for something serious.

After months of being involved with this person, actually technically over a year, I finally had a hangout with him. It partly took so long cause of covid, but he did have a lot going on in his life. Despite all the things he had going on, I believe it got to a point where he was making excuses for us not hanging out and it made me think all types of things. It made him seem shady. It made me wonder if he had a secret boyfriend, husband, or wife even. It just did not add up. It did not make sense. It made me doubt myself, and of course triggered my insecurities. "I want to get off but you're such a tease"...

He has told me he wants something serious but for the most part tells me he just wants a friendship right now considering everything he is going through. I respect that because I am still too damaged from the past, and need to really work on myself and fix myself, so that the next relationship is a success. However at the end the day, I do want to experience something serious again with someone I have a strong bond and connection with. His attraction to me though of course has made me emotional and makes me want him on a serious level.

He finally came over, and I can't even explain the sexual experience that I had. It was one for the first time where I felt beautiful head to toe. It felt like Bridgerton meets Fifty Shades of Grey. He could not believe how insecure I was and made every inch of my body feel beautiful. He was able to do things to me that made me feel like I was two pounds when I am someone who is overweight. For me, this was passionate and intimate, it was something that lasted for hours. We cuddled, and held hands. It felt magical and beautiful, especially since it was the first time in a very long time for me.

The problem is, someone as insecure as I am, to have an experience like that...It will trick my mind. It will make me think there is love, there is an emotional bond, and that this could go somewhere. Throughout this whole passionate experience he did remind me he just needs a friend right now. Despite that it did not stop him from having this experience with me. It probably was wrong due to the fact that I would attribute feelings because of this. Which is not fair to him if he is being truthful with me. Truthful with me in a way other men never were. The problem is though, as truthful as he is, there is so much he is hiding, which does make the mind wonder and go crazy. I just kept wanting to live in the moment and not worry about anything. The connection was there, the spark was there, the pulses were racing, how could this be avoided? "We're watching the sunrise from the kitchen counter. When you're lyin' between my legs it doesn't matter. You say you wanna go slower but I wanna go faster. Faster and faster"...

The thing is...I can't control my feelings if someone makes me feel beautiful. While I knew after this encounter that I wouldn't know if and when it would happen again, I couldn't control myself in the situation. Since he does not want something serious, I could not have expectations. And of course I felt a little let down after it.

Despite how honest he was, the passion that came from the situation caused all these fantasies which lead me to hope that things would occur after it happened. But...Typical...

I heard from him a little less, he disappeared for a bit, and when he finally came back, I found out some news that was difficult to deal with, and I needed to take time to myself. This is not his fault, he is what I call "textbook shady", but at the same time he is honest about just wanting a friendship. However, when I took time to myself, he must have felt like I was avoiding him, he texted me over and over again, and tried calling me.

But then, when I am not taking time to myself and try and speak with him, his efforts become minimal and he disappears again. He usually always comes back after a while, he comes and goes as he pleases, and any chance of us hanging out is always in his hands. There were always excuses, until there was no more need for excuses...This is someone who might be honest, but is hiding a whole other life, and that right there is proof he probably is with someone else...

There was no reason for me to develop the feelings that I did. I became mad at myself, I could not believe that this is what I was putting up with, but I knew it also was okay to have these feelings because I am human and maybe I was unintentionally tricked, or maybe it was intentional, who knows anymore?...I am just proud of myself because I learned to not chase anyone anymore at the very least, and despite the strong feelings, not once did I show him that I would ever chase him...

I started going to yoga. I started therapy. I still am in a bad place in life and have been making bad decisions but I gotta start somewhere right? I am proud of myself. I have been through so much in life I think it's important to see someone so I can finally work through these issues and hopefully heal and better myself. I told the therapist about this blog. I told her I took a pause from working on it because it became repetitive. I felt like it was too negative and I was dwelling too much on the past and I just couldn't stop. I felt like I became annoying with writing about the same things over and over again.

She told me to try something different. She said instead of writing about the past and all the sad things, why don't I try writing about the future and what I envision will make me happy? What do I see in a future relationship that will make me happy? What will a happy relationship look like to me? This all may sound easy to some of you...But to me this is the hardest thing I could possibly do.

I found journals from when I was a kid, and all I ever did was write poems or journal entries when I was sad about something...It's the only thing I know to do when it comes to writing. I don't know how to envision the future when I am stuck on the past. I don't know how to envision happiness when I am always sad. But I guess I will give it a try...

Part 3 Heal Me
Treat me like your patient,
just don't keep me waiting
Or I'll just be wasted
In a crowd of the lonely...
I need you to inspire me
When I can't inspire myself
I need you to provide for me
When I feel like someone else
Lay me down, lay me down now
Lay me down, touch my spirit, oh
Lay me down, lay me down now
Lay me down
Heal me
God knows nothin' else is gonna
Gonna heal me
Oh, before it's too late
Won't you steal me?
Steal me all the way from myself
Won't you heal me?
Heal me, ah
Heal me, ah
Heal me, ah
Dose me with your energy
Leave your soul inside me
Cool me down and calm me
Ring me, don't alarm me
Lay me down, lay me down now
Lay me down, touch my spirit, oh
Lay me down, lay me down now
Lay me down
Heal me
God knows nothing else is gonna
Gonna heal me
Oh, before it's too late
Won't you steal me?
Steal me all the way from myself
Won't you heal me?
Heal me, ah
Heal me, ah
Heal me, ah
I wanna be more, or equal, not less
I wanna be happy with someone
I wanna feel blessed
I wanna be more, or equal, not less
I wanna be happy with someone
I wanna feel blessed
Heal me
God knows nothing else is gonna
Gonna heal me
Oh, before it's too late
Won't you steal me?
Steal me all the way from myself
Won't you heal me?
Heal me, ah
Heal me, ah
Heal me, ah
www.youtube.com/watch?v=tsyLvFkgExM

​I love the movie "A Star Is Born" starring Lady GaGa. Not just because I am a diehard GaGa fan, but because her character Ally Maine resonated with me on so many levels. The girl was beautiful but was so insecure about herself. She is so talented but doubts herself. She finds a man who finds the talent in her and helps her become a star. Being that she is insecure, the fact the he saw beauty and talent in her, caused her to fall deeply in love with him. The problem was, he was incredibly damaged. He needed to be saved more than she needed to feel beautiful. She put up with his drug and alcohol abuse, his emotional abuse, and could not leave him when she should have. He made her feel beautiful and that was all that mattered to her, even though he was incredibly toxic and wrong for her.

This is the person that I am. I find the men who need to be saved, in hopes that I could save them and help them get over whatever they are going through. I guess I hope in return they will save me too, they will heal all my emotional wounds, show me I deserve to be loved, and I deserve to feel good about myself. This is the type of healing I am hoping for, human touch, love, and affection. I tend to go above and beyond for these men and I hope they will do the same for me, making me feel hopeful and good about myself. "I wanna be more, or equal, not less. I wanna be happy with someone, I wanna feel blessed".

Life is so simple
A little boy, a little girl
Laughing and loving
Trying to figure out the world
It felt like summer
When I kissed you in the rain
And I know your story
But tell me again
Nothing you say wouldn't interest me
All of your words are like poems to me
I would be honored if you would take me as I am
I want you to look right in my eyes
To tell me you love me, to be by my side
I want you at the end of my life
I wanna see your face, when I fall with grace
At the moment I die
Is that alright?
Is that alright?
I hope you're still with me when I'm not quite myself
And I pray that you'll lift me when you know I need help
It's a warm celebration of all of our years
I dream of our story, of our fairy tale
Family dinners and family trees
Teaching the kids to say thank you and please
Knowing if we stay together that things will be right
I want you to look right in my eyes
To tell me you love me, to be by my side
I want you at the end of my life
I wanna see your face, when I fall with grace
At the moment I die
Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright?
www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vR32XI3Sr4

​I guess I want the fairy tale. I want someone to really see my flaws, my issues with body dysmorphia, my insecurities, my trauma, my scars, and make me feel like it's all okay. I want someone to tell me I don't need to change those things about myself, that they can accept them as much as I have to accept living with these demons. I envision a happy future with a husband who helps heal my heart, and holds my hand when I have these episodes. "I hope you're still with me when I'm not quite myself. And I pray that you'll lift me when you know I need help".

I don't want to be with someone who contributes to my insecurities and leaves me worrying all the time about what they are doing when we aren't together. I am not sure if I want children, but if I found the right man who wanted them with me, I think I would be honored to go on that journey with him. When I think of my future, I am not concerned about money, or being rich. I want to find love.

I am someone who can be alone, I love my alone time, I love doing things alone. In fact, if I end up alone for the rest of my life I think I would be okay. I love living alone, I love going on adventures alone. I have been hurt by too many people that I learned to find strength and become my own best friend. But I still would rather end up with someone and finally experience the first healthy relationship I ever experienced in my life. As much as I hope they heal me, I hope I can heal them too.

I'll undress you, 'cause you're tired
Cover you as you desire
When you fall asleep inside my arms
May not have the fancy things
But I'll give you everything
You could ever want, it's in my arms
So baby tell me yes
And I will give you everything
So baby tell me yes
And I will be all yours tonight
So baby tell me yes
And I will give you everything
I will be right by your side
If I can't find the cure, I'll
I'll fix you with my love
No matter what you know, I'll
I'll fix you with my love
And if you say you're okay
I'm gonna heal you anyway
Promise I'll always be there
Promise I'll be the cure (be the cure)
Rub your feet, your hands, your legs
Let me take care of it, babe
Close your eyes, I'll sing your favorite song
I wrote you this lullaby
Hush now baby, don't you cry
Anything you want could not be wrong
So baby tell me yes
And I will give you everything
So baby tell me yes
And I will be all yours tonight
So baby tell me yes
And I will give you everything
I will be right by your side
If I can't find the cure, I'll
I'll fix you with my love
No matter what you know, I'll
I'll fix you with my love
And if you say you're okay
I'm gonna heal you anyway
Promise I'll always be there
Promise I'll be the cure (be the cure)
I'll fix you with my love
(I'll fix you with my love-lo-love)
I'll fix you with my love
(I'll fix you with my love-lo-love)
If I can't find the cure, I'll
I'll fix you with my love
No matter what you know, I'll
I'll fix you with my love
And if you say you're okay
I'm gonna heal you anyway
Promise I'll always be there
Promise I'll be the cure (be the cure)
Promise I'll be the cure (be the cure)
I'll fix you with my love
www.youtube.com/watch?v=vp8VZe5kqEM

As I stated earlier, I tend to go for men who are damaged and need to be healed. I take on the role of super hero, even though I am the one who desperately needs a hero to save me. I tend to do this with friends as well. I am the one most people complain about life to, I am the one people call to vent to, or to cry to, over the most minuscule things, when they have absolutely no idea what I might be going through. Nine times out of ten some people don't even care to ask what I might be going through. They may even know but it won't stop them from going off about themselves.

I may sound like I am complaining when I say all of this, but I actually like these qualities about myself and I wouldn't change them for the world. It is both a blessing and a curse, because I have been taken advantage of by many people. But I still can't control that this is who I am and I don't want it to ever change. I like helping people, I like healing people, I know I am good at it. I just hope finally when it comes to friendships and relationships I choose better people from here on out. And honestly I am grateful for the friends in my life that I do have now because I don't see any one of them ever taking advantage of my kindness the way folks have done in the past.

When I encounter men, I have such standards now that I easily remove myself when they aren't good for me. Does that mean I won't be disappointed, sad, or hurt when it doesn't go the way I had hoped? No, that is never easy. But I know I have to let go of what isn't good for me, and keep hoping one day I will find someone who will be right for me. Someone who is actually worth all the work I put into trying to heal them and be there for them as they do it in return for me. "If I can't find the cure, I'll fix you with my love".

​Part 4 It's Time To Go
When your dinner is cold and the chatter gets old
You ask for the tab
Or that moment again, he's insisting that friends
Look at each other like that
When the words of a sister come back in whispers
That prove she was not in fact what she seemed
Not a twin from your dreams
She's a crook who was caught
That old familiar body ache
The snaps from the same little breaks in your soul
You know when it's time to go
20 years at your job
Then the son of the boss gets the spot that was yours
Or trying to stay for the kids
When keeping it how it is will only break their hearts worse
That old familiar body ache
The snaps from the same little breaks in your soul
You know when it's time to go
Sometimes giving up is the strong thing
Sometimes to run is the brave thing
Sometimes walking out is the one thing
That will find you the right thing
Sometimes giving up is the strong thing
Sometimes to run is the brave thing
Sometimes walking out is the one thing
That will find you the right thing
15 years, 15 million tears
Begging 'til my knees bled
I gave it my all, he gave me nothing at all
Then wondered why I left
Now he sits on his throne in his palace of bones
Praying to his greed
He's got my past frozen behind glass
But I've got me
That old familiar body ache
The snaps from the same little breaks in my soul
I know when it's time to go
Sometimes giving up is the strong thing
Sometimes to run is the brave thing
Sometimes walking out is the one thing
That will find you the right thing
Sometimes giving up is the strong thing
Sometimes to run is the brave thing
Sometimes walking out is the one thing
That will find you the right thing
That will find you the right thing
And you know in your soul
And you know in your soul
When it's time to go
You know, you know, you know, you know
When it's time to go
So then you go
Then you go
You just go
www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iRbIYkccgw

This part is dedicated to someone very important to me, who decided to leave and go far away without letting me know. I don't think this person has read this blog, but they really might have. This person is someone I have written about over and over again. He was the love of my life. I was his sun and stars, and he was the moon of my life...I swore I would no longer write about the past, but this is not about our past, its about right now.

I would be lying if I said I was not hurt that he left the way he did without letting me know. But I understand why he did. I have been on this journey trying to find myself, heal myself, and better myself. Now he is on his journey, and I just hope and pray he is okay and knows that despite anything, I will always love him and be there for him. He put me through hell, but I promise you all he is a wonderful person and deserves a wonderful life. I would be lying if I did not admit that I put him through hell too.

You see, sometimes when you're in a bad relationship and someone hurts you, that does not always mean they are a bad person. He battled his own demons, I battled mine, and it's why we just could not work. The hardest part about us not being together is that the universe wants us together. We are soulmates and always will be. I found out he left in the oddest way, I was not looking for information, it was literally brought to me from the universe and I am not quite sure why, I am trying to figure that out.

We did not workout in this life time, I don't think we ever will, it is why this has been so hard for me to accept the past few years. I do accept it now though, and I do know we will find each other again in the next lifetime, and hopefully when we do, it will be perfect despite all the imperfections. "Sometimes giving up is the strong thing. Sometimes to run is the brave thing. Sometimes walking out is the one thing that will find you the right thing". Wherever you are, I hope you heal, I hope you know just how brave you are for doing what you had to do, and I hope you find love and find yourself. I hope you know I will always love you.

It hurts when someone breaks up with you, or breaks your heart. It hurts when they make mistakes and ignore your feelings. But sometimes we have to be grateful for having those people in our lives because they help us learn, they help us grow, they help us find ourselves and who we need to be in this life. I will forever be grateful for every moment I had with this person. I will forever remember the good times over the bad, I will cherish those moments. I am grateful that I learned how to love, I learned how to cry, I learned how to feel. I pour my heart out the way that I do because of this person. I was not able to do this before, not in this way.

He was so toxic for me but I could not remove him from my life, he removed himself. He did it for me. He did it for me when he broke up with me, he did it for me when he decided to leave. He may have done these things only for himself and he may not realize he did it for me too, but he did. I was never strong enough or brave enough to take these steps, or to lose him. I eventually did remove him from my life, but a little part of me always held on to faith that we'd find our way back to each other again. That was not healthy, he did what he had to do to get me on the right path, even if he does not know it. I will forever be grateful as much as my heart hurts and is healing...

I want to say so much more but I am going to leave this just like this. I do not know what is to come in the future. I am not dwelling on the past. I am just grateful that now I know when it's time to go, and I have the strength to remove myself from people and situations that are not good for me thanks to someone very special who taught me how to do that.

​I pray my words inspire those who have been in similar situations but have been too scared to speak up or face these issues. Peace and love to all! I will end this with an uplifting song.

​Spring is in the air! We have three vaccines to help fight against covid. Things are going to get better! We're gonna be alright!

Midnight shadows
When finding love is a battle
But daylight is so close
So don't you worry 'bout a thing
We're gonna be alright
Hey!
We're gonna be alright
Hey yeah
Oh yeah
We're gonna be alright
Baby don't you know
All of them tears gon' come and go
Baby you just gotta make up your mind
That every little thing is gonna be alright
Baby don't you know
All of them tears gon' come and go
Baby you just gotta make up your mind
We decided
We're gonna be alright
Hey yeah
We're gonna be alright
Yeah
Hey!
We're gonna be alright
We're in slow motion
Can't seem to get where we're going
But the high times are golden
Cause they all lead to better days
We're gonna be alright
Hey!
We're gonna be alright
Yeah
Oh yeah
Oh yeah
We're gonna be alright
Baby don't you know
All of them tears gon' come and go
Baby you just gotta make up your mind
That every little thing is gonna be alright
Baby don't you know
All of them tears gon' come and go
Baby you just gotta make up your mind
We decided
We're gonna be alright
Hey!
We're gonna be alright
Ooooh baby
Ooooh yeah
Oh yeah
We're gonna be alright
We're gonna be alright
(Somehow)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBAHqRnSgRw