Needy...

Part 1 Needy
If you take too long to hit me back
I can't promise you how I'll react
But all I can say,
is at least I'll wait for you
Lately, I've been on a roller coaster
Tryna get a hold of my emotions
But all that I know is I need you close
And I'ma scream and shout for what I love
Passionate but I don't give no fucks
I admit that I'm a lil' messed up
But I can hide it when I'm all dressed up
I'm obsessive and I love too hard
Good at overthinking with my heart
How you even think it got this far?
This far...
And I can be needy, way too damn needy
I can be needy, tell me how good it feels to be needed
I can be needy, so hard to please me
I know it feels so good to be needed
Sorry if I'm up and down a lot (Yeah)
Sorry that I think I'm not enough
And sorry if I say sorry way too much
You can go ahead and call me selfish (Selfish)
But after all this damage I can't help it (Help it)
Or what you can trust, 'cause I need your touch
I'ma scream and shout for what I love
Passionate but I don't give no fucks
I admit that I'm a lil' messed up
But I can hide it when I'm all dressed up
I'm obsessive and I love too hard
Good at overthinking with my heart
How you even think it got this far?
This far
And I can be needy, way too damn needy
I can be needy, tell me how good it feels to be needed
I can be needy, so hard to please me
I know it feels so good to be needed
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Km__cJEJ3JI

Needy....What exactly makes a person “needy”? Does ones boundaries make them a needy person? Do expectations make someone needy? Sometimes when I reflect on the past and how I behaved or reacted to certain things, I have to wonder if I was indeed a needy person? This of course is something that has contributed to me questioning my own sanity over the past few years.

Expectations can be dangerous. When you have them, there is always a good chance that you are going to face disappointment or feel let down. There is always a chance that you heart is going to break. There is always a chance that you are going to face rejection...

R e j e c t i o n is the greatest aphrodisiac...Some people get off on it, some people keep trying, hoping, and waiting despite the rejection they keep encountering. Is that a form of neediness? Most human beings don’t do well with rejection. It used to break me, make me feel worthless, ugly, and like I’m not good enough.

That has changed for me, rejection has empowered me and given me strength. Why should I be sad if someone doesn’t want me? I don’t have the power to force someone to be interested in me, I also wouldn’t want to use that power even if I had it. Wouldn’t that be so disingenuous?

I do realize though that when I’m dating someone or getting to know someone, my insecurities cloud my judgment. My insecurities make me feel needy. If someone doesn’t text me back till hours later or the next day, I do get frustrated. I am someone who is bad at texting myself, ask my friends...It is different when you are romantically involved with someone and you hardly know the person and want to get to know them...It seems I have always been attracted to men who aren't so good with using their phones.

What should one assume if someone takes so long to write back? Compared to when I was younger, I no longer lash out, I don’t send multiple texts, and I usually end up feeling guilty for even having negative feelings when someone is poor at communicating and at conversation. I can’t force someone to give me the time of day so why even feel bad about it?

When I was in a long term relationship, I was young when we first started dating. He wasn’t the type to give me “good mornings” and “good nights”....He wasn’t the type to check on me to see if I was okay. He wasn’t the type to pick up the phone and call me every night to see how my day was and to see how I was doing.

This made me angry. I would lash out, I would go off on him about it. After I would go off, I would apologize profusely. Obviously his reactions to my anger made me feel guilty. He let it be known just how crazy he thought I was. I also was inexperienced and young and didn’t know how to communicate what my boundaries were when first getting to know someone romantically. I’m not even sure I knew what boundaries were in general...I am still learning what they are because the men I usually go for don't have the typical boundaries people have in relationships.

He would eventually make those efforts, but it did feel disingenuous and forced. I don’t know how I even was okay with that, I was so young and naive. I was grateful for it though. I remember feeling so excited each and every time he’d text me. My heart would drop to my feet and I’d feel butterflies in my stomach each time I got a text from him. I think it’s because I was waiting so long every day to hear from him and sometimes days would go by before I heard from him again. Getting that text made me feel wanted and needed just as much as I wanted and needed him...

There were also certain things that occurred and I stayed despite those occurrences. Eventually that became my fault. My expectations were greater. My neediness was on a level I can’t even explain. The more I didn’t hear from him the more I assumed things were happening that probably weren’t even happening (or probably were happening). This would cause me to lash out even more, to always be angry, and to always expect so much from someone who didn’t have anything to offer in regards to what I was expecting and wanting from him...After lashing out I would feel so embarrassed, guilty, and wrong about it. I would apologize. I would make myself the bad guy. This pattern would repeat over and over again.

Sorry if I'm up and down a lot, sorry that I think I'm not enough. And sorry if I say "sorry" way too much...You can go ahead and call me selfish. But after all this damage I can't help it.

This was not healthy. I realize now when I’m talking to a guy that if he does do a good job of making efforts and giving me the time of day, I don’t get as excited when I get those texts. I still only get excited when it’s someone who is minimal with the conversation. I only get excited when it’s a shady situation and the person has a secret life...Getting that text from a person like that after a few days or weeks always feels so exciting because he finally is showing a minimal amount of interest...

What I always do and have always done when I’d receive these texts is purposely wait a little bit before responding. If someone took hours, days, or weeks to write me, how desperate and pathetic would I look to write back right away?

It’s as if it’s obvious that I was sitting there waiting and I don’t want any man to think that. At the end of the day I feel that it gives them too much power and boosts their ego to make them think I am sitting and waiting all day to hear from them. Tell me, how good does it feel to be needed?

However, I still might wait just an hour, no longer, to respond. Sometimes if I really am busy then I do wait a few hours. What comes of that? Absolutely nothing. It took me years to finally realize this and to accept it. Which is why I’m grateful that I’m finally at a point in my life where I am realizing all of this, so that I can finally break out of this toxic habit. I can hopefully finally stop waiting for someone to give me the time of day. I finally learned if someone is interested they will make the efforts they need to make in order for the potential to lead somewhere. Without the effort or communication there is no potential...Sitting and waiting all day can in fact make you feel crazy and “needy”....

Part 2 Tolerate It...
I sit and watch you reading with your
head low...
I wake and watch you breathing with your
eyes closed...
I sit and watch you
I notice everything you do or don’t do.
You’re so much older and wiser and I
I wait by the door like I’m just a kid...
Use my best colors for your portrait...
Lay the table with the fancy shit...
And watch you tolerate it...
If it’s all in my head tell me now,
tell me I’ve got it wrong somehow
I know my love should be celebrated
But you tolerate it
I greet you with a battle hero’s welcome
I take your indiscretions all in good fun...
I sit and listen...
I polish plates until they gleam and glisten...
You’re so much older and wiser and I
I wait by the door like I’m just a kid
Use my best colors for your portrait
Lay the table with the fancy shit
And watch you tolerate it
If it’s all in my head tell me now
Tell me I’ve got it wrong somehow
I know my love should be celebrated
But you tolerate it
While you were out building other worlds, where was I?
Where’s that man who’d throw blankets over my barbed wire?
I made you my temple, my mural, my sky
Now I’m begging for footnotes in the story of your life
Drawing hearts in the byline
Always taking up too much space or time
You assume I’m fine
But what would you do if I...
Break free and leave us in ruins?
Took this dagger in me and removed it?
Gain the weight of you then lose it?
Believe me, I could do it...
If it’s all in my head tell me now
Tell me I’ve got it wrong somehow
I know my love should be celebrated
But you tolerate it
I sit and watch you
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukxEKY_7MOc

Neediness sometimes leads to settling. You settle for the inconsistent communication. You settle for the infrequent phone calls, the infrequent texts, you settle for all your insecurities that come from a relationship like this. You settle for all the pain and heartache and hope that one day it will all be worth it. And sometimes, you even start to try harder, make more of an effort yourself, show the person all the love and affection that you hope and wish they will give in return.

I seem to have made this mistake several times in the past. I’d try to reach out and be the one to make all the efforts. If the person was feeling down, I’d go above and beyond to try and make them feel more positive and see things in a positive light. I would keep the house clean, make it feel welcoming, pour my love into the ambiance. Speak words of wisdom, buy the best presents, pay for trips, concerts, and shows. I’d do any and everything to show how much I loved the person and how much love I wanted in return.

I did not want gifts or material things in return. I did not want all the same things I’d offer or give in return. I just wanted to be loved. I also wanted my love to be appreciated, I wanted everything I poured my heart into, all the efforts, to be noticed. I had hoped that any of these men would be so grateful that it almost would bring tears to their eyes. Appreciation. Instead, they just tolerated it. What did I have to look forward to in return for all that I had done for them? Toleration...

I can’t tell you how painful it is to go above and beyond to try and cheer someone up, brighten their day, be romantic, and you feel their negative energy towards it. It’s almost like they are annoyed. It’s like when you have a four year old, and they want to show you how smart they are getting when they learn something new. Whether they learned how to spell their name for the first time, or learned how to jump, or go on the swing by themselves for the first time. They constantly want to show it off to their mom or dad because that’s who they love the most, and they want their parent to show gratitude towards their accomplishments and their growing intelligence.

Most parents have to fake it. “Aw good job sweetie! Keep it going” while half watching or half paying attention. The difference is when you are an adult trying to impress someone you love, or are interested in, and they are barley responsive, or force the gratitude, you see right through it all. When someone doesn’t appreciate your love, but just tolerates all that you try and do for them, you know deep down they’d wish you’d just stop...

I wait by the door like I’m just a kid...Use my best colors for your portrait...
Lay the table with the fancy shit...And watch you tolerate it... If it’s all in my head tell me now, tell me I’ve got it wrong somehow..I know my love should be celebrated, but you tolerate it...

Up until recently I have repeated this pattern with men. Maybe it’s desperation, I’m not sure. I know it’s hard for me to like or fall for just anyone, so I don’t feel that I’m desperate. I just can’t help myself when I like someone because I do want to go the extra mile to show them how I feel. Buying gifts doesn’t mean jack shit. I feel being empathetic and giving a shoulder to cry on are the best gifts I’ve ever had to offer to anyone. But nine times out of ten I’ve gone for men who don’t want that. I’ll never be sure what it is exactly they wanted. It could have just been sex, if that’s the case why open up to me as much as they did about certain personal things?

I’m not sure, but I have learned that it’s not worth it to go above and beyond to show someone all this love when all they can do in return is tolerate it. When you can feel their negative energy and disgust almost from having to fake their smiles and their gratitude.

When I was young I knew these things were happening, I knew I was doing too much in hopes that it would get better. But like most four year olds who try and show mommy and daddy that they can get on the swing by themselves, and can tell mommy and daddy don’t care, I was able to repress those feelings right away. I was able to lie to myself and pretend like it wasn’t awkward, but perfect. I was able to pretend that it was working and appreciated and that there was a real future for us...It was all a perfect illusion....

Eventually reality hits, you find strength to see the truth. You no longer tolerate just being tolerated. You put yourself first, and you learn that you deserve for your love to be celebrated...

what would you do if I...Break free and leave us in ruins? Took this dagger in me and removed it? Gain the weight of you then lose it?
Believe me, I could do it...

Part 3 Perfect Illusion...
Trying to get control
Pressure's taking its toll...
Stuck in the middle zone,
I just want you alone...
My guessing game is strong,
way too real to be wrong...
Caught up in your show
yeah, at least now I know
It wasn't love, it wasn't love
It was a perfect illusion (Perfect illusion)
Mistaken for love, it wasn't love
It was a perfect illusion (Perfect illusion)
Oh, you were a perfect illusion
I don't need eyes to see,
I felt you touching me...
High like amphetamine,
Maybe you're just a dream...
That's what it means to crush,
Now that I'm waking up,
I still feel the blow
But at least now I know,
It wasn't love, it wasn't love,
It was a perfect illusion (Perfect illusion)
Mistaken for love, it wasn't love
It was a perfect illusion (perfect illusion)
It was a perfect illusion (But I feel you watching me)
(Dilated, falling free in a modern ecstasy)
(Where are you? 'Cause I can't see you)
It was a perfect illusion (But I feel you watching me)
(But I feel you watching me)
Illusion (But I feel you watching me)
Mistaken for love
(Where are you? 'Cause I can't see you)
(But I feel you watching me)
Mistaken for love (Dilated, falling free)
(In a modern ecstasy) Mistaken for love
(In a modern ecstasy)
(In a modern ecstasy)
I'm over the show
Yeah, at least now I know
It wasn't love, it wasn't love
It was a perfect illusion (Perfect illusion)
Mistaken for love, it wasn't love
It was a perfect illusion (Perfect illusion)
Oh, you were a perfect illusion
Oh, it was a perfect illusion
It was a perfect illusion
Somewhere in all the confusion
It was a perfect illusion, illusion, illusion
It was a perfect illusion
Somewhere in all the confusion
You were so perfect
You were a, you were a perfect illusion
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xn599R0ZBwg

When you love someone or fall for someone you see something in them most others cannot see. This can be a good thing as much as it’s a bad thing. Maybe you find someone who is insecure about something about themselves but you only can see the beauty in that person whereas others might see certain qualities that contributes to the person being insecure. Or...maybe you see good in them when in reality they aren’t good for you.

I’ve dated men that everyone and their mother told me to give up on. I had friends be truthful and honest about certain guys that I’ve fallen for. They would tell me to stop wasting my time, they are cheating, they have a boyfriend, I can do better.

This last guy that I liked. He was shady as hell. We met on Grindr of all places, he had messaged me first on there. I had asked him what he was looking for and he told me he goes with the flow and was open to different things depending on the vibe. That was perfect for me because I was basically looking for the same thing, of course with hopes of eventually finding a significant other. I am sure almost nobody finds a significant other on Grindr though.

Like most men, he was horrific at conversation. Short answers, very dry, hardly tried to get to know me. I am not sure why a lot of men are like this but I’ll tell you what I think about that later...He also had pictures that hardly showed his face and when I asked to see a clearer picture of him he told me he’d show me in person and we can meet for coffee...

This started before the pandemic by the way...Well at first we never met for coffee, we’d chat here and there but then the pandemic happened. There was no way we were going to meet. I kind of just stopped trying to speak to him because what was the point?

He found me on Grindr because Grindr shows you the person closest to you location wise. I didn’t realize this at first because it was my first time using Grindr after being single for some time. So this was a person who was relatively close to my location, and I won’t explain too much about that so I’ll just leave it at that.

The universe eventually lead me to meet him in person. Completely unplanned. I don’t want to get into how that happened too much because it would be revealing too much. I will say I was in a situation and he happened to just be there and be the person to start me off with help before leading me to the right people who would then take care of me... I didn’t know who he was since he never had a clear picture, and in the moment I first encountered him he took the opportunity to let me know he’s seen me on “the yellow app” before. He was being flirtatious, I was not having it. The moment felt completely inappropriate because of the situation I was in. So I went off on him...

I could tell he was embarrassed and I had a good look at him, thought he was cute, and realized who he was, and then I realized I was interested. I also felt completely mortified for going off on him and rejecting his efforts when he was trying to flirt with me. I felt like I had messed it up.

I had to check into somewhere and I was contemplating if I wanted to approach him, something told me to do it, so I did. On my way out of the place I wrote my number on a post it and threw it at him. From there we started texting and I couldn’t believe I had the guts to actually give someone my number like that. That is something I typically would never ever do. I am too shy and insecure when it comes to men. But sure enough with him I had the balls to do it.

He texted me and honestly... It sucked. He still was dry, it felt like it wasn’t going anywhere and eventually I gave up...A little over a month later I went to a psychic and she told me some bull shit that soon I was gonna end up with a guy whose name started with the same letter his name started with. I felt like being that I saw him in person in the way that I did, and I felt a certain energy from him, I felt like it would be a good idea to reach out to him again.

Since a lot of time had passed I made up some bull shit. I said I was cleaning out old texts in my phone and realized I hadn’t texted him in a while and wanted to say “hello”...Needless to say he basically responded a week later. I was surprised he even responded. It still was dry but he had let me know he was dealing with a lot because he was dealing with sick family members and to me that was completely understandable and made the dryness make total sense...

I dressed up as Trump for Halloween and I sent him a picture of me dressed up as Trump grabbing my crotch and he had implied that he wanted to see what it was I was grabbing onto. I felt like finally he was showing me that he was attracted to me, because I wasn’t sure and was starting to feel crazy. We were getting somewhere but still everything was dry and there was minimal effort.

Again, I laid off on communication because I refused to do all the work. Eventually after a couple of weeks of no communication he surprisingly reached out to me on his own. He had told me that sadly his family members had died after thanksgiving and he was grieving and going through the emotions that came with the loss.

I felt horrible. I offered him a shoulder to cry on, let him know I was there for him if he needed a friend to cry to, or make him laugh. I told him I’d be there for him in anyway he needed. Finally he wanted to meet up with me...

Where are you? Cause I can’t see, but I feel you watching me. Dilated falling free...
​
The meetup was for a quick coffee before work. Not on an actual day off where we had time to talk and get to know each other. But just a quick coffee. I didn’t mind being that it was the first time meeting. I felt his eyes glued on me when we first got together. I felt him starring deep into my soul, in a way I felt like no one has ever looked at me before. It may have just been sexual attraction but I was definitely confusing it with something else. I also knew I was starring right back.

The vibe was there and I felt like I wasn’t crazy for thinking maybe he was into me. Clearly he just had a lot going on right? This was all shortly before Christmas and we made an agreement that we’d plan a real hangout once the holidays were over. Going through the week of the holidays we came close to hanging out but I can tell he was hesitant. I didn’t push it.

Our conversation through text got a lot better. Still could’ve been improved but I was excited for what I was getting. As I mentioned earlier, I tend to go for men who take days or weeks to respond. And even though he’d take hours or days to respond, even though he’d pop up whenever he wanted, and the ball was in his court entirely when it came to communication, I of course was falling for him for some reason. I mean again, he had a lot going on right?

The holidays passed and we kept meeting for coffee. I would be late for work, and he was almost late for moving his car, risking getting a ticket. We both would stall because I could tell we both didn’t want the short moments to end. There were more excuses as to us not hanging out. He had a lot of stuff still lingering and going on due to the losses he was dealing with. I felt like this was a situation where I could not be selfish, I had to be completely understanding. It also did not help that we had completely different schedules...

Our text conversations were picking up. We texted all night sometimes. He asked me about sex. What role I liked. I don’t really like bottoming but it is something I am willing to learn to get into, and I was so deeply attracted to him that I wanted to let him fuck me. He asked me about my penis if it was cut or uncut. I told him it was cut and he said he prefers uncut but it’s not a deal breaker for him. I told him I was happy about that.

He then got deep. He told me he only had one previous relationship for a year when he was younger but hadn’t experienced one ever since. He told me he was involved with someone for three years and it wasn’t going anywhere and after one of the family members died he realized he wanted something more serious. I let it be known that it took me a long time to get over someone and he should only pursue something once he is over the person. It felt like he wanted to pursue getting to know me better. I think I was fantasizing a lot of things too, because after all, it was becoming a perfect illusion.

We would talk about things we could do together like go to bath and body works because he loves it there. We talked about going to dinner and getting drinks. Him coming to my house. We discussed so many different things we could do together and it just still wasn’t happening.

Finally after conversing more about sex he asked me if I wanted him to come over, in my mind we weren’t going to have sex the first time anyway. I asked him when he would come and all he said was “soon”....

We continued this coffee thing. It got to the point where I was getting annoyed. Anyone I told about it said it was shady and weird. They would call him “textbook shady”. He even told me he takes things very slow, he even said till he figures his shit out, he just wanted a friendship, which was giving me mixed signals. I still felt how he stared at me, I felt the vibes and the connection so I was starting to feel crazy.

I thought maybe he was just inexperienced and scared to pursue something with me. Or with anyone in general. I also still believed he was dealing with the grief and all he had to deal with that came along with it.

I made excuses for him in my head just like I used to do with someone else from my past. I was making the same exact mistakes. Eventually though I could not continue the coffee thing. It was getting ridiculous. How many times could I be late to work, and him late to his car?

He just wanted to be friends supposedly but would text me every morning trying to meet for coffee. He even started calling me on the phone. We’d talk for hours on the rare occasion we spoke.

Finally on the last occasion I was somewhat arguing with him. I admitted I wanted to have a real hangout already. It had come close but there was always an excuse. He continued on with the excuses and I couldn’t take it anymore. He did tell me about some of the personal things he was struggling with and towards the end of the conversion I saw proof of one of those things. He was very upset and agitated. I did my best to calm him down.

I realized he was dealing with too much, and I was just too damaged from my past relationship to deal with someone like this. I knew something didn’t feel right and I’m not quite sure why I liked him so much. It was infatuation. I was confusing sexual attraction with feelings, which I wrote more about in the depth in my previous post.

I decided to get him a parting gift, especially since he wasn’t a bad person, and I wanted him to heal and find peace. I got him a bunch of healing candles, sage, and Palo Santo. That way he could clear all the negative energy he was dealing with and feeling, and keep the positive energy around of the loved ones he lost. I met up with him one morning and gave it to him real quick before heading to work.

From there, he finally decided to come over, after not hearing from him for a few days of course. That was the first time I had a sexual encounter with someone in over a year. It lasted for hours, he had me all over my apartment. From my kitchen to the couch. For the first time I felt pleasure in my anus. Whatever he did with his tongue, made my legs go numb. It was incredible. He made me feel beautiful, he made me feel attractive, and he also kept telling me we should just be friends, in the middle of all this happening and lasting for hours and hours.

I let it be known that I’m not one to be in a friends with benefits situation, never have been, never will be. I also asked if he was involved with someone else and he said he wasn’t. The whole thing was magical and all I can say is, refer to the previous post to understand more to know what was going on in my head. So this part of this post is the continuation of that part of the post...

After that experience I was in a haze. I was floating, I felt amazing. I was waiting for that moment for so long. It was our first hangout though and I knew it was wrong to get sexual on the first hangout. Something absolutely did not feel real about it. My negative thoughts started to overcome anything positive I was feeling.

He disappeared for over a week and I didn’t hear from him. I knew he had a trip coming up but wasn’t sure when. The minimal communication just made him so fucking shady. At the same time he kept saying we should just be friends so I did not have a right to be “needy” and have expectations. I didn’t have a right to care. I didn’t text him either, I hardly did, I just felt like I wasn’t going to chase this person or beg for him.

While going through the emotions of this situation I found out my ex left and moved away. I found out in a way that was crazy. I was not looking for the information, it came to me. It made me sad and just put me in a slight depression. I allowed myself to kind of grieve and take a weekend to be sad about it. At that time, this person decided to finally try and hit me up.

He hit me up on the day I found out and I just couldn’t be bothered to answer. I was too upset, I was too numb. I needed space. He got to text me whenever he felt like it, would disappear for days or weeks at a time, so I was taking time to myself for once.

He didn’t like this. He tried texting me several times, tried calling me, he did the most. I’m not going to lie, I didn’t want to play games, but I kind of liked it. For once he was showing that he cared, it made me think he must’ve had feelings for me for sure. I also realized I didn’t wanna play the same type of games I would play in the past. It’s toxic and it’s unhealthy, so I realized it was time to speak with him in person.

I finally texted him and told him I took time to myself because I heard something that was upsetting and needed time to deal with it. From there he kind of started interrogating me, asking me all kinds of questions that made me lash out at him and made me upset. I then felt embarrassed for behaving that way, as I always did in past similar situations. So I decided to apologize even though I’m not sure I really should’ve.

He disappeared for a few days after that and I figured it was finally over. I went to church and prayed on it, prayed that if this is not meant to go anywhere, that he’d just go away and never hit me up again. I visited my grandmothers grave and even prayed to her, prayed he’d just leave me alone and never hit me up again, because at this point I was completely over it.

The universe is just funny and works in mysterious ways. The same night after I went to church and went to my grandmas grave and prayed, I heard from him. He left me voice messages which he never ever does. He told me he wasn’t mad at me, and gave me time since I misinterpreted his texts. I responded with a “thank you”....

From there he asked to come over again and I allowed it. He was super rude because it was a Monday night and he didn’t show up until after ten at night. I wakeup early for work. But I didn’t care. I liked him so much and wanted to see him. I couldn’t wait to see him, and I was excited that he had reached out to me and wanted to see me too. I also finally had the chance to open up.

I asked him if he was involved with someone else and he denied it. He just brought up the same person he was involved with for three years and it didn’t go anywhere. I might’ve had wishful thinking because it sounded to me like he wasn’t currently involved but just getting over the person. Which seemed fair to me because I was opening up about my ex leaving and being upset about it.

I also let it be known that I would not be a side piece, I do not do friends with benefits especially with covid going on, and I wanted us to admit that we liked each other and possibly explore it without rushing into anything. He seemed to agree. He even told me the things he liked about me, got in depth with it. Told me how beautiful I was.

We ended up fooling around again, we kept going till the sun came up. It was weird though because this time he was a bit hesitant with kissing and he didn’t really want to cuddle. He still made me cum maybe six times. It was great. I didn’t want him to leave. In fact, it’s my fault he stayed till the sun came up, and he even ended up driving me to work.

I was glad we had the talk we did because it gave me hope even though deep down I knew something wasn’t right. See my intuition is a lot stronger than it used to be. I just still was fantasizing so much in my head. Living out an entire fantasy for all the wrong reasons. I’m not sure why because it takes a lot for me to fall for someone and I was fine being alone the whole first year of covid. I just don’t get it.

I don’t need eyes to see, I felt you touching me. High like amphetamine, maybe you’re just a dream. That’s what it means to crush, now that I’m waking’ up, I still feel the blow, but at least now I know, it wasn’t love, it was a perfect illusion...

Part 4 Head In The Clouds
Now I got a new philosophy...
I'm not gonna let you keep me up at night,
All I wanna do is be with me...
Looking in the mirror with starry eyes.
All the time I let you waste,
made my life so complicated.
Now I keep the focus on me
Oh yeah yeah, all on me
It was dark, it was cold,
When you rained in my head...
Oh it rained, oh it poured
while I drowned inside
I was dark, I was cold,
when you rained in my head...
Now it's warm sunsets
And ever since you left...
I gotta fight for myself
I celebrated myself
Got no one holding me down
I feel invincible now
Finally finding myself
Feeling so proud of myself
I've got my head in the clouds
Won't let you pull me down
(Hold on) (Hold on)
Head in the clouds
Won't let you pull me down
Head in the clouds
Won't let you pull me down...
Used to only ever think of you,
that's the only thing we ever talk about
I remember crying on the roof,
never heard a silence ringing oh so loud
All the times I let you waste,
had me feeling suffocated,
Now I put the focus on me...
Oh yeah yeah, all on me
It was dark, it was cold,
when you rained in my head.
Oh it rained, oh it poured,
while I drowned inside
I was dark, I was cold,
When you rained in my head...
Now it's warm sunsets
and ever since you left...
I gotta fight for myself,
I celebrated myself,
Got no one holding me down,
I feel invincible now...
Finally finding myself,
feeling so proud of myself...
I've got my head in the clouds,
won't let you pull me down...
(Hold on) (Hold on)
Head in the clouds,
won't let you pull me down...
Head in the clouds,
won't let you pull me down
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ql9Zo4IxRic
​
To go back to what I said earlier when it comes to men not being responsive to their phones...It’s either because they are not really interested or they have someone at home...Or they just want sex. They are dry with their texts, they hardly say anything, because they are waiting for you to show them you also just want sex. Once you show them that you’re interested in the sex, then they will be responsive and talkative with you.

He tried to friend zone me after the second experience. He did it at the worst time too. He told me he was sorry we did anything sexual and he thought we’d be really good at just being friends. He tried to make me think that everything we had between us was always just a solid friendship. I wasn’t going to allow him to make me feel crazy like others did in the past...

I wasn’t upset, I wasn’t hurt. I wasn’t angry. I had strong feelings, but I was not in love with this man. I already went through the worst kind of heartache and at this rate I’m grateful because it made me stronger than ever. The only thing I kind of felt was stupid. Deep down I knew something wasn’t right and I was being delusional, was fantasizing so much, and trying to believe all of his excuses.

I accepted this right away but I needed him to tell me the truth. The truth was, he did like me, he was attracted to me, so I had that validation. I no longer felt crazy. He even said he just couldn't resist himself with me because of the strong attraction he had for me. Do not confuse that with love folks!

The truth also was, he was indeed involved with someone else. I didn’t ask for any more information once he admitted it to me.

He tried to go deep into it, but I stopped him. I told him I didn’t care to know anything else. I had all the information that I needed. He cried, practically begged me to stay friends with him. I let him know I wasn’t mad, I did explain all the reasons why I had feelings for him, and he understood. He tried really hard sometimes, even though he almost didn’t try at all at the same time. The fact that he would sometimes blow up my phone if I didn’t respond to him. The fact that he would continuously try to get me to meet him for coffee when I would blow him off...

It all finally made sense. Why we only met for coffee in the morning, why it took so long for him to hangout with me, why he was so unresponsive and would disappear. Why he would come and go as he pleased, yet would get upset when I needed my space...He was with someone and in love with somebody else...

I felt peace. I told him it was okay. I even gave him a snickers bar. In fact I gave him two. He said he didn’t need the second one, I told him “well you should go and find someone who really really needs it”, and I walked away.

Now it's warm sunsets and ever since you left...I gotta fight for myself, I celebrated myself...Got no one holding me down,I feel invincible now...Finally finding myself, feeling so proud of myself...I've got my head in the clouds, won't let you pull me down...

I felt liberated. I felt free. I felt it was time to finally focus on myself. Now it's time to focus on me... It was time to love myself. It was time to finally stop losing sleep and stressing over someone else who didn’t even care about me. How many times could I possibly go through that? How many times could I possibly be sad over rejection? It was a learning lesson. Sadly I had to learn many, many, many, many times...But I think I finally know what I want and how to communicate it better for when the next one comes along...

Part 5 Thank U, Next
Thought I'd end up with Sean,
But he wasn't a match...
Wrote some songs about Ricky,
now I listen and laugh
Even almost got married,
And for Pete, I'm so thankful
Wish I could say "thank you" to Malcolm
'Cause he was an angel
One taught me love,
One taught me patience,
And one taught me pain,
Now, I'm so amazing...
Say I've loved and I've lost,
But that's not what I see,
So, look what I got...
Look at what you taught me...
And for that, I say
Thank you, next (next)
Thank you, next (next)
Thank you, next
I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex
Thank you, next (next)
Thank you, next (next)
Thank you, next (next)
I'm so fuckin'...

Spend more time with my friends
I ain't worried 'bout nothin'...
Plus, I met someone else,
We're havin' better discussions...
I know they say I move on too fast
But this one gon' last
'Cause her name is Ari,
And I'm so good with that (so good with that)...
She taught me love (love)
She taught me patience (patience)
She handles pain (pain)
That shit's amazing (yeah, she's amazing)
I've loved and I've lost (yeah, yeah)
But that's not what I see (yeah, yeah)
'Cause look what I've found (yeah, yeah)
Ain't no need for searching
And for that, I say
Thank you, next (thank you, next)
Thank you, next (thank you, next)
Thank you, next (thank you)
I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex
Thank you, next (thank you, next)
Thank you, next (said thank you, next)
Thank you, next (next)
I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex
Thank you, next
Thank you, next
Thank you, next
I'm so fuckin'....
One day I'll walk down the aisle,
holding hands with my mama
I'll be thanking my dad,
'Cause she grew from the drama...
Only wanna do it once, real bad,
gon' make that last
God forbid something happens,
Least this song is a smash (song is a smash)...
I've got so much love (love)
Got so much patience (patience)
I've learned from the pain (pain)
I turned out amazing (turned out amazing)
I've loved and I've lost (yeah, yeah)
But that's not what I see (yeah, yeah)
'Cause look what I've found (yeah, yeah)
Ain't no need for searching
And for that, I'll say
Thank you, next (thank you, next)
Thank you, next (thank you, next)
Thank you, next
I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex
Thank you, next (thank you, next)
Thank you, next (said thank you, next)
Thank you, next (next)
I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex
Thank you, next
Thank you, next
Thank you, next
Yeah, yee
Thank you, next
Thank you, next
Thank you, next
www.youtube.com/watch?v=gl1aHhXnN1k

I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex. I loved him more than I ever was able to love myself. He hurt me more than anyone else ever could, but only because of the love I had for him. Can you imagine loving someone with all of your heart and soul and they do hurtful things? When a friend does hurtful things it doesn’t hurt the same way. Then having to accept that they left you...It took me a long time. What hurt the most was just the simple fact that I loved him.

I am grateful for every man that came into my life. For every lesson learned. For all that I learned from each experience, each let down, and each heartache. This is what helps you find yourself and this is what shapes you into the person you need to be!

One taught me love, One taught me patience, and one taught me pain. Now, I'm so amazing...
Say I've loved and I've lost, But that's not what I see, so, look what I got...Look at what you taught me...And for that, I say: thank you, next...

I am grateful. I am finally in a better place. I’ve made plenty of mistakes when it comes to dating and long term relationships. I’ve made mistakes for who I fell for. I will never hate each person that I encountered. Why should I? They aren’t bad people, they didn’t physically harm me. Because of these men, I got to become me.

I got to realize who I am. I got to realize that I shouldn’t throw my life away for someone who isn’t going to make me happy. For someone who only makes me feel insecure about myself. I don’t deserve that. I make peace with every single bad situation I was in. With every bad relationship I had. I also acknowledge that I wasn’t always perfect in every situation, and I have hurt people too. We just learn, grow, and move on. What else can we do?

I've got so much love, got so much patience...I've learned from the pain. I turned out amazing. I've loved and I've lost. But that's not what I see...'Cause look what I've found...Ain't no need for searching...And for that, I'll say: Thank you, next

Part 6 Jump
There's only so much you can learn in one place,
The more that I wait, the more time that I waste...

I haven't got much time to waste, it's time to make my way...
I'm not afraid of what I'll face but I'm afraid to stay
I'm going down my own road and I can make it alone.
I'll work and I'll fight till I find a place of my own

Are you ready to jump? Get ready to jump
Don't ever look back, oh baby
Yes, I'm ready to jump
Just take my hands, get ready to jump

We learned our lesson from the start, my sisters and me.
The only thing you can depend on is your family.
Life's gonna drop you down like the limbs of a tree,
it sways and it swings and it bends until it makes you see

Are you ready to jump? Get ready to jump
Don't ever look back, oh baby
Yes, I'm ready to jump
Just take my hands, get ready to, are you ready?

There's only so much you can learn in one place.
The more that you wait, the more time that you waste...

It sways and it swings and it bends until you make it your own

I can make it alone, I can make it alone
I can make it alone, I can make it alone
I can make it alone, I can make it alone
I can make it alone, I can make it alone

Are you ready to jump? Get ready to jump
Don't ever look back, oh baby
Yes, I'm ready to jump
Just take my hands, get ready to jump

Are you ready to jump? Get ready to jump
Don't ever look back, oh baby
Yes, I'm ready to jump
Just take my hands, get ready to, are you ready?
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rx0mYN32Kps

​This is the last part of this post. I dedicate it to those of you who are stuck in bad relationships right now. I see certain people and it hurts my soul to see them so invested in someone who will never be good enough for them. Who won’t give them what they want, and who won’t change.

It literally hurts my soul to see that. They are making themselves stuck and wasting their lives away. I will say this...Apart of me now thinks it’s so easy to just leave and put yourself first. It feels SO good when you have that strength and that power. You feel so liberated and so free. But I would be lying if I said it didn’t take years for me to be able to feel this way. If my ex never broke up with me, I’d still be stuck now, unhappy, sad, and hoping for something to happen that never would. I would continue to allow myself to accept things that were making me unhappy and that would never change.

I am grateful now because yes indeed I can make it alone, and I have a very supportive family and good friends who I know are also doing just fine being single and alone. We lift each other up, we empower each other, and at the end of the day we have each other and don’t really need anyone else. These are my actual soulmates whether I end up with someone or not. I have all that I need.

We learned our lesson from the start, my sisters and me. The only thing you can depend on is your family. Life's gonna drop you down like the limbs of a tree,
it sways and it swings and it bends until it makes you see...

I can make it alone! And so can you! I pray that anyone stuck in a situation where they aren’t happy finds liberation and leaves, and finds the happiness that they deserve.

Are you ready to jump?