I need to start off by saying RIP to Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gigi. He was an iconic legend and you didn’t have to be a basketball fan to be a fan of Kobe’s. He was loved by almost all the pop kings and queens and played a role in pop culture. I’ll never forget what an ally he was to the LGBT community and to women. God rest his and his daughter’s souls and watch over his wife and family while they try to heal.....I had a rough time with this.
Exactly a year ago today I took a soul saving journey to Vegas to see GaGa and visit the Grand Canyon and I have brought this trip up many times and posted pictures of it many times as well. But it truly was the start to this very long journey I have been on and I will forever be grateful for that trip. I can’t wait to relive it hopefully sooner than later....I did go to New Orleans with friends earlier this month and I did have moments where it felt soul saving as well. I took time to myself at one point to reflect and I let the full moon inspire me while I was there. A lot of this post came from all I was thinking about while taking that short amount of time to myself. Listening to live music and jazz bands on Frenchman st. and just feeling the vibes of a different beautiful place.
It’s also been exactly a month since I released this blog. I have been overwhelmed with all the positive feedback I have received. A lot of people have messaged me privately sharing their stories with me and telling me how they were able to relate to certain things I have shared so far. I honestly am very grateful. I can’t express how scared and nervous I was to do this.
I have to make one thing clear. This was not easy. Not at all. I was worried people would think I was crazy or hysterical. I was worried people would question how or why I would put my business out there. I was worried those I have spoken about would see all of this and try and seek revenge of some kind...There were people who did show concern, there were people who did see this as a cry for help.
While I appreciate the concern, it’s exactly part of what I feared and did not want to happen from this. What I wanted was to release everything I’ve been holding in all this time in hopes I would start to heal. What I wanted was to finally validate my feelings and myself. What I wanted was to find strength in sharing my stories. What I wanted was to forgive myself for all the things I blamed myself for. What I wanted was to rise up above it all. And you know what? I finally am getting there and I can’t express how amazing it feels.
The issue is my entire life I have been made to feel like I was crazy for the feelings I would have. Most people in my life, whether family, friends, or past relationships, tried so hard to silence me. I have been laughed at, I have been made fun of. I never could validate my feelings. It got to a point where when others would do me wrong, I blamed myself. I literally had to question my own sanity for as long as I can remember. But after everything I’ve been through I have to ask myself....
Did I say something true? Did I have a point of view? Did I say something wrong? Or did I stay too long? And I’m not sorry, it’s human nature....That’s right. I find so much freedom in expressing my feelings instead of repressing them and I no longer give a fuck what people think....I find so much freedom in being able to validate myself and no longer question my own sanity. This is something I never ever felt or experienced before.
Majority of the feedback I’ve received on this blog has been amazing and I am thankful for it. I felt so alone all of last year, I felt so lost, I felt like my life was over (cue Demi Lovato’s very relatable new song “anyone”). I know now there are others who have felt the same way in many ways, be it last year, or at some point in their life, and it’s nice to touch those people and have an outlet for them to come to when they aren’t so comfortable to express themselves in the way that I do. Whether they’ve been through something similar or different. Like I said before, this is NOT easy.
I had to really put my fears to the side. Honestly if anyone wants to seek revenge in anyway for me speaking my truth, by all means, go ahead. I no longer care about that. And if enough damage hasn’t been done in terms of these people needing to get revenge against me, well so be it. I’ve said this before and I will say it again, I have suffered enough repercussions. Things have occurred nonstop consistently from the end of 2018 to the end of 2019. I am fucking tired. I was hoping maybe my words would make my stance clear, perhaps give certain people an open heart to why I felt the way that I did. But if people are even more angry, well...”It might sound like I’m an unapologetic bitch, but sometimes you know I gotta call it like is”....It’s human nature.
On Madonna’s latest album “Madame X” she has a song titled “I Rise”. It was made to be an anthem for the LGBT community, anyone who faces oppression, and for many other important issues such as gun control (“god control” is another amazing song when it comes to gun control). This song was first released in June 2019. In June I was a lost mess. I was still trying to adjust to living on my own, accepting the fate of my last relationship, and coming to terms with the fact that I had to start over with my life all by myself.
During this time I was an alcoholic. A sad, depressed alcoholic. I would lock myself in my room and blast sad music. I would only leave my room to make another drink, so I can come back and wallow in self pity. The thing about drinking is that it helped me temporarily. Sometimes I was happy, I would have fun all by myself. I would dance and sing. It always would start out as a pleasant experience. Then it would turn dark. It’s like I would go from happy to sad within a few hours. Next thing you know I’m screaming, crying, and having panic attacks. I would drink and cry until I would pass out.
The amount I was drinking was deadly. I would actually hate when the weekends would come because that’s when I didn’t know what to do with myself since I didn’t have anyone (again cue Demi’s new song) and it’s when I would drink the most. I would start day drinking, and go through this cycle till I would pass out and take a long nap. I would usually eat something before falling asleep. And then I would wakeup feeling like shit and continue the cycle again. It was so disgustingly unhealthy but I literally did not have a support system and so many horrible things happened, one after the other.
I was happy my friend Amanda came to visit New York with her dad in June. We had a great time. But the rest of June was just a complete nightmare for me. I just felt done with everything. Summer was coming and I felt like I had just lost everything and didn’t have any plans to have fun as I normally would have. I also felt like I could hardly afford food to eat let alone all the bills I had to take on by myself. I was so lost.
The things I had to see on social media from past friends and my ex, all their posts together, they were hanging out more and more. At first it was just a running thing and it turned into more than that. It was hangouts and going to events together on the weekends. Constant photos taken together posted. Videos in their Instagram stories of them at events together. They all knew at that point how I felt about all of it and it was like a big “fuck you” to me. And the sick part about it was I was mostly angry with my friends, not so much at my ex.
Because I still missed him and wanted to be with him and that was the worst part about it. Throughout our relationship I would be more angry at everyone else he was friends with that was causing issues in our relationship than I was at him. Because I loved him so much, and I still was continuing this sick cycle even after we broke up and after he moved out. I had to learn to face the truth, as I also had to learn to come to terms with my own faults.
Also in June I had a falling out with the only close friend I felt like I had. The person was angry for selfish reasons and I already spoke about all of this a few posts ago. But while being depressed about my ex and other friends, this person made sure to make me feel lower than I already felt if it was possible. I could not believe the only person I was basically relying on emotionally would do that to me.
If I could erase the month of June (minus the part when Amanda came) honestly I would. It’s when everything hit me the hardest.
Madonna’s song “I rise” came when I needed it the most. The lyrics are so uplifting and so encouraging. They spoke to my soul. I believe it’s what motivated me to get my shit together and continue on my path to my journey I needed to be on that started when I was in Vegas.
In the song she sings “Freedom’s what you choose to do with what’s been done to you. No one can hurt now unless you want them to. No one can hurt you now unless you allow them to”.
That spoke to me. It was time to stop allowing these things to get to me. It was tome to stop obsessing over it. It was time to stop blaming myself. It was time to stop letting these people bring me down. It was time to stop hurting. It was time to stop crying. It was time to stop drinking myself half to death. It was time to rise up above it all and move on. “Died a thousand times, managed to survive. I won’t breakdown now, I can’t take that”...
I would be lying if I said I am completely healed. I would be lying if i said I am no longer angry. I would be lying if I said I am completely over my ex, that I don’t still love him, don’t still dream about him constantly, don’t still care about him, or worry about him. I would be lying if I said I forgive all that has happened. I am still not there yet. I am not sure when I will be. But I know slowly but surely I am getting there. I know I have improved even if there’s still a lot of room for a shit ton of more improvement. I do feel ridiculous sometimes because people have been through much worse. In fact I have been through much worse.
I had a very rough childhood. I didn’t come from a home that was like the movies or tv shows. I was surrounded by pure misery, bitterness, and anger for as long as I can remember. Every Holliday or event there was a big blow out or a fight. There was not enough love but constant fighting and arguing. Everything felt like a ticking time bomb was about to go off. I had to carry this with me every single day. I suffered from severe anxiety which is something that has scarred me for life.
I didn’t do well in school and was told by several people that it was because I had a learning disability. I had issues focusing in class, I had issues studying for exams, I had issues being able to get my work done with the constant pressure and anxiety that was weighing me down. Who knows? Maybe I really did have a learning disability. But I do know a lot of fucked up shit was going on at home that nobody knew about but myself.
Whenever I expressed concern about it at home I was shut down, told I was interpreting things wrong, and that I was crazy. This was a pattern I had to deal with throughout my entire life because I would choose people to be in my life who treated me in this exact same way. It’s part of why I am struggling with moving on from everything else that happened, because it’s all been nonstop and never ending for as long as I can remember.
I had a rough life. I’ve dealt with sexual assault, I’ve been robbed and almost killed and then was humiliated and made fun of about it. I experimented with drugs and partied way too hard at one point when I was in my late teens and early twenties. I would go out seven nights a week, I was underaged with a fake ID. Partying was all I cared about because it was my escape from a mentally draining and exhausting household. I had friends who used and abused me. Stole money from me, took advantage of my kindness, and only cared about themselves.
People twisted stories around to make me look bad so many times I can’t keep track anymore, people I have gone above and beyond for, and did the most for...I never expected any of this to happen when it did the last time that it did with that particular group of friends, but history repeated itself yet again, it just hurt more this time. I do have to blame myself for continuously putting myself in bad situations and allowing bad people into my life. But lesson learned and here I am now, even if nobody cares.
I through my life away in my twenties instead of doing what was right for me. I’ve sunk myself into an incredible amount of debt. It honestly feels like my life has been falling apart since the day I came onto this earth. It’s amazing that I managed to survive.
So yes, maybe I am overreacting about little things I’ve been through such as a breakup or loss of friendships due to the breakup, etc. Maybe I handled things wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t still feel so hurt or upset. But man, something has got to give. I’ve been through too much in life and I am almost thirty years old. I am just tired. It’s part of why I was ready to give up last year when my ex broke up with me and when everything went down with my friends. I was tired of my life constantly falling apart. I sunk so low....
It’s weird though because anyone else might have completely lost themselves but I am learning to “rise up above it all”. I think I had to hit rock bottom to finally know what happiness feels like. I am still a mess. I still suffer from a deal of hopelessness and heartache. But for the first time ever I think I know what happiness feels like. Even if it could be better than this. Even if this still needs improvement. For the first time ever I’ve found resilience. I know that I will rise. As Madonna sings as she closes her Madame X show with “I rise”, she walks down the aisles chanting “I will rise” over and over as she walks out.
I think having to face the truth about everyone in my life and really facing it and feeling it is what has helped me. So yes, I might still be upset, I might still be angry, I might still be bitter at times. But I have improved with those feelings because I don’t think about the situation as much as I used to. It doesn’t control my life. And I was forced to accept things that were out of my control for what they were and found some kind of strength. It takes baby steps to heal, I still have a long way to go but I have come very far.
Without music I wouldn’t have survived. Madonna has saved my life many times. When I went through that rough childhood I would listen to her ray of light album over and over again. The songs touched my soul and calmed my nerves. My anxiety would be at ease. That album was so powerful for me and I am not sure I would’ve survived without it. And she still has this affect on me today. Her current album has so many songs that have touched me and saved me. And one thing she’s taught me is to not be afraid to express myself, and that I should never repress myself.
I also used to write in journals whenever I would go through something and I would write for hours. Writing has always helped me. In fact I promised myself in high school that one day I would write a book. A memoir about my life. I told myself I just needed to get older and go through more things. I think I’m at that point now.
This is why I have this blog out. I am not afraid to speak my truth. It has helped me heal. And this is my journey. It’s a journey of love, and finding love within yourself. Not finding love from someone else. Not needing your feelings validated from someone else. But doing it all for yourself. I’m learning to do that and it’s also part of why I’m finally feeling some kind of happiness for the first time ever. I am thankful to have this outlet where I can let this all out. And I truly hope people understand that and know that that is truly what this is all about. That is the actual purpose of this. Of course also because I love pop culture and pop music and want an outlet to speak about that as well.
When I saw Madonna back in October she said she does what she does not to be loved, but to feel free. And that’s the point of me making this blog. I am not here to be loved, I am here to be free. And that is what this has done for me. Maybe one million people will read it, maybe ten people will, maybe nobody will. It does not matter to me. Just pouring it all out and sharing my stories and my thoughts has been beyond beneficial to me mentally. It’s helped so much with my healing and has worked better than any kind of therapy ever has that I have tried over the years. I feel like I am there or getting there more and more, but yes, I will rise. I. Will. Rise. I have to because it’s human nature.
Songs to go with post:
I Rise Madonna:
Human Nature Live Madonna Ft. Britney Spears:
Unapologetic Bitch Madonna:
Anyone Demi Lovato:
Can't you see I'm a fool, in so many ways?
Dating life is really underwhelming it’s not even funny. Is it okay to say that? Can I say it’s underwhelming? I am not saying it to disrespect anyone I have met or will meet....I don’t know, clearly I am not one to follow the rules but sometimes you have to be careful with the things that you say....Somehow my Grindr profile got taken down for “hate speech” supposedly being in my profile...I literally can’t think of anything my profile said that could be hateful except for what I wasn’t interested in which I said politely. I mentioned I wasn’t interested in trans (male to female) or “T” (meth) heads...I guess saying those two things was considered “hate speech”? Who knows?....
I have met lots of guys this year. More than I can keep track of. More than I even realized...Some were great, some were nice, some were horrible. But despite some of the amazing qualities some of them had, I ghosted almost every single one of them. As I mentioned earlier only one guy ghosted me. But I ghosted basically every single one of them.
A lot of the times it was because the second I saw a red flag I ran for the hills. The other issue was it’s hard for me to trust anyone romantically and let them all the way in. But it got to a point where I was paying close attention to the connection. And for some reason a lot of them would feel a connection that I was not feeling, and they would try and jump into a relationship. And that scared me off easily.
It is my understanding that in the gay world, a lot of guys either just fuck around a lot or they try and jump into relationships right away. There is no in-between...Things tend to move very fast, and it’s over before you know it. My feeling is that a lot of gay men are lonely. And I am not saying that is a bad thing or that I don’t know what it feels like and that I don’t get lonely too. I totally get it. And a lot of men are just assholes, the lonely ones are tired of being lead on or not being able to succeed at obtaining a relationship.
When I was younger I was really overweight. Nobody was interested in me. And then at 18 years old I had the gastric bypass surgery and lost lots of weight. I was thin and good looking. But I still was extremely insecure. I battled body dysmorphia severely (which I’ve spoken about before). At the same time I felt very desperate for a relationship and felt like I was never good enough or worthy enough for someone to ever look at me in that way.
When a guy that I liked would give me the time of day I was annoying. I was clingy. I wanted a lot of attention. And if I didn’t get it I automatically worried that something wasn’t right. That something was wrong with me. I’d get panicky about it. And I would think that they didn’t really like me. I would end up trying way too hard. It was such a battle and I had to really learn to change that. Of course it didn’t help that I typically did go for guys who would make anyone else worry too, but that’s a whole other story...
I felt this internal loneliness that just was killing me. Literally as Britney once sang in the most iconic songs of all time. But when I would meet a guy, I’d get so hooked so easily and start fantasizing about a whole future together. I was so disgustingly desperate. But I think it was to fill a void since most of my friends were in relationships since high school and got to experience all those things that I didn’t. Also because of how insecure I was.
The one thing my ex taught me was that I could not be this way with him. And oh boy was I at first. I will admit, despite the red flags and things he put me through, I was annoying and pushy as fuck. We actually did spend a lot of time together but I was always so nervous about something not being right so if I didn’t hear from him enough I would freak out. It made me crazy. And he definitely wasn’t having it. And my stubborn ass kept trying to argue and he would just shut me down and not even want to discuss it.
This used to really piss me off. And trust me, there were enough things to be worried and upset about...But I am thankful he did this to me. I needed to really work on myself. I felt in many ways I was relying on him to find my happiness and I couldn’t find it on my own. I learned that you have to be patient and take things slow and really get to know a person. Feel the vibe, make a connection. Become best friends first. And then you can worry about relationships or the future.
And the best part of being in a relationship for so long is that it has taught me how I should behave moving forward before jumping into the next one...Compared to before when I was 18-20 years old learning on my own when I first went out there...I never have high expectations at first and I like to really take it slow and I don’t need to communicate every second of every day. I don’t need a lot of attention. I need space and love my alone time. I don’t want to FaceTime every day, I don’t want to FaceTime most days. Or talk on the phone. Yes sometimes of course, but minimally as I’m trying to get to know you. I feel like things just have to come naturally and slowly before you should jump into constant communication. And my god I feel so proud of myself for saying that, I wish I knew this ten years ago....
But I have noticed not many gay guys who are my age or younger have had a long lasting relationship, at least not for as long as I have. And I know it’s rare for gay couples to last very long in the community. 7 gay years is like 75 in straight years. So a lot of the guys I’m experiencing remind me of myself when I was younger and single. Very lonely, very desperate, and trying to rush into things....
There is a part of course where I am to blame. And here is why...I am far from awkward when I meet someone. I don’t get social anxiety at all. I do things alone a lot of the time and I make friends everywhere. There could be a room filled with 100 people I don’t know and I do not get anxious about it. I also have no filter, I can talk a stranger’s ear off about myself and my life, my frustrations, my complaints, and don’t really care what people think about me. I complain a lot, and am usually dead serious when I complain about stupid shit but people find it comedic. It attracts them to me. Which is silly to me because I always assume I come off annoying when I do this. I just know I am always confident enough around people. I have a social personality, although I’m very antisocial sometimes too. That’s the libra in me.
This all sounds like good qualities to have. But with the good of course always comes the bad. I have accidentally lead many people on. Even friendships. It’s usually people who normally aren’t as out there as I am who sometimes get social anxiety. Since I am so open and friendly they think it means we are super close or that I am invested in them.
When this occurs, I end up feeling a lot of pressure. I feel like the person is nice and I don’t want to be mean and turn them down so I continue to be friendly. I even force myself into situations and things I don’t care about or want to do because I end up feeling like I don’t want to let the person down. But with this personality I have, you become the asshole when you have to let the person down.
I am a kind person so when a person likes me, as a friend, or more, and I see the excitement they feel, I don’t have it in me to let them down. And then I try and make it work despite all the pressure I am feeling. Be the best friend, try dating, etc. And in the process I then realize I can’t force it, or I can’t commit to things, and when I have to let them down a lot of times I become the asshole. And part of me realizes it too because I let the pressure get to me and am not realizing the part where I totally lead the person on, be it romantically or emotionally.
The beauty about friendships at least is that they are different from relationships. However, I have dealt with some clingy psychopaths over the years. I was about to write detailed stories with examples of what I am talking about. But I am sure this blog will fall into at least one of their hands, so I don’t want to go there and embarrass or hurt anyone...
But I get it. Because leading someone on isn’t nice. And it did take me years to learn that. Even though I don’t do it intentionally. But now I am totally different and slowly changing. I am honest from the get. When I meet someone I am still an open book and have no filter, but I also tell them about all of this. And if they’re still interested and could go with my flow great, if they can’t oh well.
Going back to the dating world...A lot of men are lonely and desperate as I mentioned earlier. And even if I do warn them, they don’t seem to understand. I eventually let them know the truth. That I am sorry but I am not feeling them and that I am finished. And then I ghost them. It might sound cruel but I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do if I was honest from the get about taking things slow and not wanting to rush.
But I made a mistake...“I’m not that innocent”....There was a boy I met back in June 2019. June I was still a mess and totally not really ready to date but wanted to still go out there and have fun and meet guys just to take it slow and see where it could go. I met this one guy on plenty of fish who was nice, although something seemed off a little bit.
He was cute but he wasn’t well put together. I just felt more established and independent than him and I felt like we had next to nothing in common. But he was really attracted to me. And kept pushing a relationship or talking about one. Even though we hadn’t even met in person yet. I told him from the start exactly how I was and it didn’t stop him.
He would ask to FaceTime almost every night when I had to wakeup for work at 5am and he got off work at 10pm. He would text me 100 times a day. I was a little creeped out to be honest. Especially since I made everything clear. But the issue was at first I did find him cute, and despite being honest, my open book personality I am sure is what lead him on. It didn’t help that we discussed going to pride together the first time we were set to meet and he was super excited about it. But he assumed he was going to stay at my house and I felt like I only knew him for like two weeks and he was just saying and doing too much....
I felt so much pressure. I suffer from anxiety badly and pressure triggers it. He also seemed to not be over his ex, which is fine because I was not over mine either. But it also was something I would not put up with because I had already gone through things like that before and I promised myself I would never go through that again. That was a major red flag for me.
I had to explain to him I was done and I explained why and blocked him. But that did not stop him. He changed his number and texted me a long message. I had to block that number. He messaged me on the dating app we met on and I had to block him there. A few months later he made a new profile and swiped “right” on me and I got a notification, even though in his rant he told me to “never bother hitting” him “up again”. He then tried to follow me on Instagram. I was thinking “what the fuck is wrong with this person?!”
Months went by and I completely forgot about him. In the process I met and fell for “roses” guy. The guy I spoke about a few posts ago. And I was vulnerable and sad about that situation. In December this dude back from June, made another profile on the dating website we met on, and sent me a long message. He came back ugh.
I was so lost and upset about the roses guy, that I forgot about most things. I was thinking irrationally. And normally I would’ve deleted the message without even reading it but something made me want to open it.
His message seemed very heart felt. He owned up to how he acted. For being pushy and wanting to FaceTime all the time etc. He owned up to not respecting my wishes and all that I had explained to him about myself. But oops! I made a mistake with my response...
I told him it wasn’t his fault and that it was my fault and I was sorry. I felt like it was cruel ghosting him like that. And I felt bad. I still kept it real with him though and told him I had been through too much and that’s why I ghosted him and that I was not ready to date. I came to learn though that this was his manipulative game. I gave him the answer he wanted to hear, he wasn’t actually sorry. He wanted to know the blame was not on him so he tried really hard to lure me back in.
He told me we could have a whole future together, he said all these things again. And I just kept it real with him yet again in response. And was nothing but honest and he then said he’s changed and he’s gonna respect that.
It took me a while but I thought about it, maybe because I was feeling very jolly in December and Christmas was coming up. I felt like it was nice he wanted to try and get to know each other again and perhaps maybe he would change and it would be better and different this time. So, I decided to unblock his number and chat with him again.
Me being the open book that I am, I explained every single thing I went through this year. I gave him every detail. But in hopes he would understand why I ghosted him in the first place and why I don’t rush into things. I felt bad I didn’t get personal and explain it before, but i did let him know I couldn’t promise anything and I wasn’t sure what would happen between us....However he got comfortable for the simple fact that I let him back in....And I was repeating the same pattern of trying to force it even though I wasn’t feeling it, yet again...
He tried to be pushy again with the FaceTiming but I wasn’t having it or giving in. I told him “on weekends only”, and “when I have time for it”. He was very nervous about saying the wrong things to me and about the possibility of me ghosting him again. I kept telling him to relax and to go with the flow. He tried not to say the wrong things, which made me feel nothing but more pressure to be honest, but he just could not help himself...He was trying to not put pressure on me but kept bringing it up, so he therefore was putting pressure on me.
I got a new iPhone and during the process some of his iMessages didn’t go through and he showed concern that I blocked him again. That made me feel pressure. Then, one time he saw me appear on POF and other dating apps and he made sure to bring it up to me, even though we weren’t together. And I told him this: “You saw me on those dating apps because you were on them too right?” And he was like “yeah” and I said “we are taking this slow and going with the flow as we discussed many times, right?” And he tried to play it off and laughed at what I was saying. Tried to claim he was just messing around with me....I should’ve ended it there but nope! The guilt of doing it again to him was eating me alive so I kept forcing myself to try.
He also would text me several times even if I didn’t respond. One morning I had told him the night before I was out with friends and he says “oh but you couldn’t text me back and say you were okay” where he then claimed he was just joking...Right....
He still was pushy with the FaceTiming. And I was remembering more and more the reason why I ghosted him in the first place. I was not feeling the connection and he still was being pushy. Talking about going to Pride in June 2020 since we didn’t go last year, but then saying things like “I know, I know, we aren’t jumping the gun here. We’re moving slow”...But still made me feel this immense amount of pressure.
He also felt like I was worried that he didn’t like me enough or that I was concerned with things like him having a hard time to take off from work to see me. He kept trying to reassure me. These were two things I honestly absolutely did not care about. I am not sure why he felt the need to worry about this but I think he wanted me to have those feelings. I had to be honest about that as well.
On top of everything, I also felt like he did not have real goals or future. He didn’t seem to care to discuss things like that, just only cared about a possible relationship...
The last time I FaceTimed with him I asked him “where do you see yourself five years from now?” He said “married, owning a house, maybe have kids”. I don’t want to sound cruel but his current job and living situation realistically would not get him there within 5 years, especially if he doesn’t have goals to make changes. And I asked him if he had goals to someday get there, and he basically didn’t, or have anything realistic in mind....I constantly kept it real with him and reminded him of my stance on things. I even told him to not chase people who aren’t interested in him. I tried to enlighten him and teach him to respect himself and not deal with fuck boys who don’t know what they want...I told him to focus on himself and his goals and bettering himself before anything else, but it just wasn’t registering and he still tried too much....
I knew I was done. Again...I just felt really bad because he really really liked me. And I remember when I was the desperate lonely person and my ex or whoever would throw it in my face how much I liked them when I first met them when we’d sometimes argue, because of how crazy I would get. But this was beyond desperate, it was a bit creepy. And I was mad at myself for forgetting this about him. This was some “you” shit....Maybe I’m just being dramatic. I think he just was nice and overly needy, but I would lie if I said writing this story out doesn’t make me a little creeped out....Despite that it’s my fault because I gave him a second chance and totally lead him on. Ugh!
So I had to do it again...I had to ghost him. I couldn’t lead him on anymore and I messed up for ever giving him another chance in the first place. But I kept it as real as it could get when I ended it.
I told him I was sorry to do it again to him but wasn’t feeling him. I told him the truth. That he was moving too fast and needed to learn to be single. I told him being single is a good thing because it gives you time to focus on nothing but yourself. I let him know that he should have better goals for himself. And I left it at asking him to please not change his number and hit me up again and to please ignore me if he sees me on any other dating app moving forward. I told him he “has to do this” and I warned I would take legal action if he didn’t respect my wishes since he’s taken it way too far the past six months.
I felt really bad but I could not go into 2020 making the same mistakes. And my advice to you guys if you are lonely and sad and feel like you will be alone forever just because you’re single....You will not be alone forever. Believe me you won’t. I am not sure if everlasting love exists. I also am battling with the possibility of it not existing. I also get lonely, I also am heartbroken a lot of the time. But people need to learn to make themselves their main priority, not a relationship.
Love yourself above anyone else. The only person who you can rely on is you. And if you keep searching and searching and try and force something to happen that lacks chemistry, then you are just desperate. It is not worth it. As Madonna sang on Madame X “I don’t search I find” and when she stopped searching, she finally found enough love....
As for me, moving forward I am cutting someone off the second they do too much and don’t respect my wishes. I can’t constantly become the bad guy in stories when I do what’s right for me. Because sometimes the guilt eats me up alive. I’m just going to continue being honest and do it my way, and when this reoccurs I will not let the guilt get to me anymore and drag it out.
More importantly I am working on this issue where I feel the need to be a people pleaser. My goal this year in finding healing and growth is to learn to say “no” more often. I will not allow myself to force myself into things or try and make things work just because I am worried about other people’s feelings over mine. More importantly I am going to remind myself that I can’t even play victim in these situations because I am leading people on. The last guy was a bit crazy but this point I could only blame myself. I really am “not that innocent”....But I am learning.
Song to go with post:
Oops!...I Did It Again Live from Dream Within A Dream Tour:
A year ago today a lot of us were facing both concern and disappointment. Britney Spears back in October of 2018, shortly after she wrapped up her Piece of Me tour, announced on the Ellen show that she was starting a new residency in Vegas called “Domination”. Many fans, including myself, were really excited and snatched tickets the second the dates went on sale. My crazy ass literally bought tickets for her first three shows, one of them would’ve been VIP.
I was really excited for this trip because over the years I have made many friends in the Britney army whether in Vegas or on social media who love Britney as much as I do. And majority of us planned to go to her first shows and were going to meet for the first time. We had planned so much together. From special outfits and other activities we were going to participate in together in Vegas. We were going to go to Fremont and do zip lining, I also had tickets to see the Backstreet boys for the first time and was really excited about that...It was going to be an epic trip...
However...Something did not feel right from the start and I’d be a moron not to admit that. Britney had just wrapped up her “Piece of Me” tour, which was also the show she did in Vegas for four years. The woman seemed exhausted and she barley had a break over the years. The announcement was so over hyped. They closed the entire strip of Las Vegas, and had an entire parade for her. We waited for over 30 minutes for her to show up on a podium just to wave, walk down basically a long cat walk, and walk straight into a car and her driver drove off....
Now if you’re a crazy Britney fan like me, although this sounds extremely tired and underwhelming, this is what I love about her. No fucks given and she just smiles, nods, and drives off into the night, hardly acknowledging anyone. Of course when she tried to sign an autograph for one fan, one of her security guards snatched her away real quick and would not let her sign for the fan.
I loved that she didn’t care, I mean after all what does she have left to prove, right? She’s an icon at this point. But it still did not feel right. Despite all of that, she started posting some rehearsal videos on Instagram. A lot of them got mixed reviews from fans, in my opinion she looked amazing, she was stepping it up a notch with the choreography, and I was really excited to see what this show was going to be all about. Even though so far the set list that we knew of were songs that were already in piece of me.
We literally did not know what to expect, except for the fact that a lot of us were hoping she’d bring back “overprotected” and perform “My prerogative” for the first time ever. I mean how appropriate would’ve it been considering she had just come out with a unisex perfume called “prerogative” at the time? And most of us found out she was indeed going to perform those songs and it was so disappointing that we didn’t get to ever see it.
But what came from this was more than disappointment, it was concern. Out of the blue on January 4th 2019, she made a post on social media and she mentioned that her father got sick and almost died and that she had to take time to take care of him. She canceled the entire residency....
Nobody wants to question the authenticity of something like this, how could you? But then out of nowhere she disappeared off social media and wasn’t seen anywhere in public. It’s as if she disappeared for a few months and at this point we were living in limbo as to what was going on with her and if she was okay...
A few months later, come April, Britney out of nowhere made a post about taking space and focusing on self care. Which had a lot of fans wondering what was going on but still had everyone excited to finally hear from her. Turned out, TMZ was releasing information to the public that she had been in a mental health facility getting help.
Nobody ever knew the real story behind this. But the podcast “Britney’s gram” basically got a tip from a paralegal who had inside scoop as to what really was possibly going on. It seemed Britney had been held in a facility against her will for months, and so much more. It seemed the story about her father being ill was fabricated so that they could cover up what was really happening.
All in all so many things started making sense. It was a dark time for the Britney army. From what we were learning is that she was forced into a lot of things, such as the tour she did over that summer, meet and greets, and starting the new domination residency. She seemed to be this puppet who was a money making machine for her father and anyone else who was in control of her....
This all goes back to 2007 when Britney had a breakdown which almost tarnished her career. She got the help she needed but right away, back in 2008, she had released a new album called “circus” and a tour and was already diving back into work without taking a much needed break to really recover. We all know she hasn’t been exactly the same since before 2007, but us fans love her so much that it didn’t matter to us. As long as she was alive and well, and of course still making music and performing for us....
Deep down over the years something never felt right to me but I was too scared to admit it. I felt someone was forcing her into all of this and that she wasn’t happy. I don’t know for sure obviously, this is just speculation, and the sad thing is speculating about this nowadays can get you in trouble. But using my free speech right as a fan I can express the concern I was feeling at the time without being punished for it....
After the breakdown she was put into a conservatorship. I am not going to deny that at the time it was appropriate. She was spiraling out of control and had her kids taken away. What didn’t make sense, and will never make sense to me, is that the conservatorship still exists almost 13 years later now...How on earth does someone who works nonstop, can get out of bed, feed themselves, and take care of themselves need to be in a conservatorship? Someone who works the job that she does? Makes no sense!
None of it made sense to me. And when these things were coming out to the public it made the fans outraged and the Britney army became a fighting force trying really hard to fight for her to get out of it. It was a dark time for me as well in my life, and I couldn’t believe this was happening to Britney at the same time...
The “FREE BRITNEY” movement became so popular it was all over the headlines. There were so many different stories coming out, I have to admit it was hard to keep track. But some things were painfully obvious. I won’t get into what was because I don’t want to get in trouble for stating an opinion. It was all painfully hard to watch...
I believe the outrage that came from fans, the protests, it shined a light on her situation and other people who go through conservatorship abuse. Apparently it’s very common and hardly spoken about. I strongly suggest people do research on this, it’s a terrible thing. The person literally loses majority of their rights, cannot make decisions for themselves, and in cases where its abused its like being a prisoner.
For a lot of us, we stopped caring about Britney the performer, but started caring about Britney the person. No human being should have to endure what she has over these years. Recently I watched the movie “Judy” about the story of Judy Garland’s last days. If you take a look at her life, it was awful. She was forced to starve herself when she was a kid and take all kinds of pills. Diet pills, pills to stay awake, and she had no control over her own money. Her kids were taken away from her and she had to keep performing just to try and earn a living despite all the money she had made and had no access to. She was used and abused, and it made me think so much about Britney and what she possibly could have been through her entire life and what she is going through now.
It doesn’t help that some fans/people were being hateful. Some were pulling through for her but once she started posting on social media again they stopped caring. Some got bored and just wanted new music from her. Some were saying cruel things about her appearance. Which clearly was upsetting her, as she had made several posts about mean comments on her Instagram and how it was hurting her feelings. The one thing social media has blessed us with, is seeing the ugly in people. People can be so cruel behind a phone or computer screen but I am sure in person they wouldn’t have the guts....
This “free Britney” movement has seemed to die down a little bit. I think because a lot of us are just waiting for her court dates to come. She is not allowed to see her children, she’s given more money to Kevin Federline, there’s so much going on, it’s hard to keep up. She also posts a lot more on Instagram which I think has distracted folks.
I don’t think it’s anyone’s job to fight for her if they don’t care anymore or don’t want to, and that’s fair. A lot of us are battling our own every day battles and I get that. I also toned it down and was going hard for her for the longest. But I still am rooting for her. I still am hoping she will get her freedom. I am even participating in a “free Britney” rally in New York City when she has her court date on 1/22/2020. It’s happening in Union Square if anyone is interested.
As much as I hope Britney the performer comes back, has a new tour or residency, makes new music, I pray Britney the person is okay first and foremost. She might just be a pop star to some, but for me she has helped saved my life in many ways. It’s why I care tremendously about her.
I pray that only good things happen from here on out. Since January 4th 2019 it’s been a rollercoaster for us Britney fans, and Britney herself. She seems stable and steady now and I just pray from here on out it only continues to get better. Most of all, I pray she will eventually be able to speak her truth, and tell her story herself some day. Maybe most of us have been wrong this entire time, maybe there’s more to it than we know, I just pray someday, we will know the truth, her truth!
Song to go with post:
Took me to heaven and let me fall down
Now that it's over I'm gonna carry on
Lifted me up and watched me stumble
After the heartache I'm gonna carry on
Living for love
I'm living for love
I'm not giving up
I'm gonna carry on
Living for love
I'm living for love
Not gonna stop
Love's gonna lift me up
-Madonna: Living for Love
It seems I created this blog to reflect on everything I’ve been through this past year. And man was it a hell of a lot...I really had the hardest year of my life. Going through a breakup, loss of friends, betrayals, and making some of the biggest mistakes of my life to cope with it all. It all happened consecutively back to back throughout the year and felt like a never ending rollercoaster. My anxiety and depression were at an all time high and was the worst it’s ever been. And I’m finally on this journey of self reflection and doing better for myself. It’s been over a year long journey but going through it by myself during the hardest times of it all was the worst. I did not know what to do, I felt so lost....But I am thankful for those who did come through for me, who have gone above and beyond for me this year, and who continue to do so. I am not sure I would be here right now if it weren’t for these amazing friends and family that I have in my life....
I started the year off by spending New Year’s Eve on my couch alone while my ex was sleeping in our bedroom. I had a bottle of champagne I finished by myself and drank Jameson while crying like a pathetic baby. It made me think I was starting the year off in the worst way possible but there wasn’t anyone I wanted to spend the holiday with and I did not know where to turn.
Shortly after on January 4th, the world got the worst news ever. Britney Spears was canceling her new Las Vegas residency where I had a whole trip planned with fellow Britney fans, some of which I was going to meet for the first time, others I had already met.
It was so crushing because while going through my breakup, from the very start of it, I had to watch supposed best friends of mine hangout with my ex every other weekend, unintentionally (I must say) helping him go on his own journey to move on where he was running and doing marathons bettering himself with them. They didn’t think that maybe they should have held off on that for a while and they were hardly reaching out to me or showing minimal support throughout those first few months, so I felt I needed this trip and experience more than anything.
I needed to be with my new friends and see my favorite princess of pop to lift my spirits and get me out of the funk. But even that opportunity had to be taken from me, and I knew it just was not going to be my year. On top of it Britney was all over the headlines for months because she seemed to be dealing with another break down with everything she was going through. I swear it seems throughout my entire life of being a life long fan, every time she was going through something seemed to occur during the same exact time I was going through something. And it’s part of why I love her so much, especially since she’s such an inspiration because she always keeps her head up and comes out of it stronger and better than ever. And that’s what I was and am hoping for myself.
By the end of January leading into February I still had a solo trip planned to go to Vegas. It was to see Lady GaGa and travel to the Grand Canyon. I saw two of her Enigma shows and saw her Jazz show on my last night. Honestly I am beyond thankful that I still at least had this trip.
Although for me, Vegas does not feel like Vegas without Britney there, I still ended up having the best time ever and the best trip of my life. And I was worried that it wouldn’t end up that way. I made lots of friends a long the way during my trip. Hooked up with two guys that went awfully but were funny stories to share, I even went clubbing by myself and had the best time. Went to Brunch on the top of the stratosphere and even went on rides on top of the hotel. Went to Fremont and drank Jameson out of a ginormous replica of the Christmas Story leg. Standing on the edge of a cliff at the Grand Canyon was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done but it was also very exhilarating and made me feel strong and like I could do anything. GaGa’s beautiful words of encouragement about finding kindness within yourself and for your enemies truly helped save my soul, and I hope one day I will be lucky enough to meet her so I can thank her. I needed that more than ever at that time. So in a way something finally went right in my life....
Before I left for the trip I was still missing my ex and felt like a mess. I longed for him and was hoping by some chance we would get back together even though it was obvious and I found enough evidence to see he was already having fun and moving on with his life. I had left him this long letter hoping it would help bring us back to talking about trying again. But on the solo trip I realized that was a huge mistake and that it needed to end.
No matter how hard it was to admit and to deal with, I realized he had to leave the apartment and my life so I could finally try to move on in the ways he was doing so easily. Or what seemed to be so easily. I also realized I was too angry about him hanging out with my friends, it’s felt like a knife in the back from all of them. I felt at the time it was appropriate for them to just step back from that for my sake, despite anything, and that my friends who I had known since high school who I’ve gone above and beyond for over the years and been very supportive to, especially during relationship issues, loses, etc. should have taken space from him to be there for me.
I’m not saying end the friendship with him completely, in some ways it wasn’t even possible and I understood that. I just was shown minimal support and it was bad timing on their end and should’ve been thought about....And I would be lying if I said they didn’t eventually try but at the point that they did it was months into the breakup and I was at my lowest and it just was too late for me.
The trip made me realize I needed to remove all the toxic people out of my life and I needed to learn to be selfish and put myself first. So when I came back that’s exactly what I did. I told my ex I should not have left the letter and that it was time he started working on moving out. And I chose to end friendships even though it was not easy. I do have to admit that months after he moved out I still was holding on a little bit and was letting him in, it wasn’t till I learned some hurtful things that occurred while we were together (to add to the list and since the truth ALWAYS comes out) that I finally let him go entirely, and it definitely was very hard to finally let go. Sometimes I still miss him and wonder about a lot but I know I had to do what was right for me.
I realize I cannot play one hundred percent victim here. With my ex I definitely had my faults and made mistakes and they were bad, some were downright cruel. I didn’t realize how much resentment I had deep down for all the things he had put me through over the years from the very beginning till the end. I put it all in a box and buried it because despite anything I wanted to be with him and just deal with it all so that we could make it work. But doing that only made me push him away because I ended up not being so kind a lot of the time and wanting space because of how hurt I was from things that had happened and were happening. It’s not right no matter what he was putting me through and I need to admit that. And because of this, for a while I did blame myself for the downfall of our relationship. I felt like I was crazy and mean and that that was why I pushed him away and why he left me. It took a lot for me to eventually validate my feelings over the years and I no longer blame myself, but I do still take responsibility for where I was to blame....
And with my friends I can’t play victim all the way either. I was with my ex 7 years and of course he was going to make friends with my friends. I totally get that. I’ve also been in the situation before where I was friends with peoples exes or made friends through other friends. It would be hypocritical not to admit that. And for a while I realized I was being a little bit ridiculous about being so angry about their friendship with him. And I did get to a point where I realized I was wrong for that BUT even with this I had to also learn to validate my feelings. I still expected so much more from them when this occurred. I still felt like I was not getting any support when I have done so much for them over the years and that they were spending more time with him.
I also can’t play victim all the way with them because I chose to end the friendships without explanation. I did not sit down and talk with these people and tell them how I felt. But in reality how could I? I was busy trying to fix myself and heal from the pain of losing the person I loved the most, also didnt help to see your supposed best friends in constant pictures on social media with someone you love and miss the most. With someone who hurt you. The people who should be there lifting you up and supporting you.
I am not sorry that I handled it the way that I did. But I do take responsibility for how I handled it. I just ghosted them. But it didn’t help that they didn’t realize how much it hurt and that I ended up being the bad guy in their side of the story for reacting the way that I did. I have no regrets.
There are two reasons why I didn’t have a talk with them. My whole life whether it be from my ex or family members, whenever I felt a certain way about something I have been told I was crazy. I was made to feel that my feelings were not validated and that I was either making things up or interpreting things wrong. And that is part of why I didn’t bother because I knew that was the reaction I was going to get.
But I also felt like I’ve had discussions about what should happen if this were to happen, I felt like I’ve done too much for them, and I couldn’t be bothered anymore to fix it. Also how can you possibly fix a friendship when you’re dealing with a breakup and at your lowest and trying to heal and fix yourself? This was more than a breakup, we were adults living together and were together 7 years and built a whole life together, it was more like a divorce. It is not the time to fix friendships. But some people are too selfish to understand that...
While dealing with the pain of all these things I still was trying to be the typical friend that I always was to the others that were still in my life. I was the type who has always done too much for people. I’m like a therapist for some or financially I throw money away on people trying to help them out and participate in things giving my all 100 percent. Even if I’m dealing with something personally, I usually put it to the side, bury it in a box, and do the most to help people out. I’ve done this for years and years. But the more time that was going by this year the more I realized I couldn’t give my all anymore, no matter how much I tried, I just couldn’t.
It didn’t help that I was making terrible choices to cope with this breakup. I sunk myself into a shit ton of credit card debt. I just would spend money on things to try and fill the void of what was missing. Buying shit at least gave me temporary happiness and fulfillment. But when it came to the time for him to leave I did not have a dime saved. I also didn’t expect the breakup to happen when I was in debt at first and had no issue paying it off till I realized I had to live on my own. And taking on the bills alone was a complete hardship. Being single, living alone in NYC is not cheap, especially when you don’t make good money. So I now was taking on the stress and anxiety of taking on all these bills by myself and trying to pay off debts. It was literally another thing I had to go through while going through everything else.
I was committed to something for a friend where I did my best to make it work. I considered this person a best friend and I agreed to participate because I wanted to be there for them. And this person absolutely knew everything and every detail of my financial situation and of all the things that were going on in my life. I spent most of the first half of the year with this person over anyone else. And as the commitment came close and there was a mishap with something we planned to do that would cause us to spend more money at the last minute, I realized I had to pull out of one event that was apart of the commitment due to financial issues that were out of my control while I was going to shell out money for all the other things we had planned to do. And when this happened this person threw a tantrum like a spoiled brat who didn’t get their way and I was treated like a piece of shit. It was literally unbelievable.
The person stooped so low to throw things in my face and try to embarrass me about my situation. The person tried to make me out to be fake and as if I wasn’t doing my best and didn’t want anything to do with what I committed to. Which really hurt because I truly was excited to be apart of it and it was the best distraction to have to keep me busy during the lowest time of my life. This person stooped so low to talk shit about me on social media and make me out to be this person I was not. While knowing every single thing I was going through. This was more hurtful than anything. And after everything we spoke it out but I received a half ass apology where the person was still mostly defensive. So, I decided for my mental health I did not deserve to be treated like that after everything I had already been through, and I decided to cut the person off and pulled out of the commitment all together...
Again maybe another situation where I can’t play victim entirely but the person couldn’t just let it go there. This person has been all about revenge since they were a child and hasn’t grown up one bit since. So months later they continued to try and hurt me by even taking a picture with my ex at an event they were at with others I no longer talk to and posting it, knowing it would get back to me. This person at first was the only one I vented to the most about everything. They agreed with me, listened to everything. Wasn’t even really friends with my ex either like that....This was done on spite and honestly I find it very evil. But hey, another lesson learned....
That was hurtful to me on so many levels from all of them. It was done on purpose just to hurt me. It’s sick because I feel like I am in high school with all of this bull shit where there are 29-30 something year olds involved. I never imagined this would be my life at this point, but here I am living it. How someone can do this I don’t know, but some people don’t ever grow up. As Cher once sang, “don’t you sometimes wish your heart was made of stone?” I wish mine was because I honestly wish I never cared about any of this childish bull shit as much as I did. It sounds like a high school drama on TV.
See, some people don’t realize how much their actions can truly hurt someone. To the point where the person is contemplating suicide. But you have to be a special kind of narcissist to be able to do these things and play victim while doing it. And I did realize that throughout my entire life I tend to attract narcissists, be it as friends or romantically. And that also is where it’s partly my fault because of the bad choices I have continued to make and situations I put myself in. Someway, somehow I got through all of this and continued to try to keep pushing.
I will say there are always two sides to every story. Although some things I’ve heard that have come from the other side when defending themselves was absolutely not true. I am not calling them liars though because maybe they actually believe/think certain conversations were had or certain things happened that in my gut I know absolutely did not.....But everyone interprets things differently sometimes....I also admit maybe I interpreted some things wrong....My brain literally was not functioning 100 percent during all of this.
I need to make it clear I am not putting this all out there to play victim or seek revenge or get attention. Writing this all out has only helped me heal and feel better each day. I did realize while going through all of this that I handled it all completely wrong. I handled it like a child.
I would put sad music on and drink at home till I would black out and get sick. I was literally trying to drink myself to death. Sometimes I would cry, scream, break things. And then I’d be blackout drunk and post subliminal posts and messages on social media. I think it was my way of releasing everything I was holding in. It was my way of telling the ones who hurt me I was hurting without directly doing it. And that was definitely wrong and childish. And I already know in their stories I am the wrong one. These people don’t acknowledge me when they see me even though I have acknowledged them. I do not know how to play that game....But so be it.
They are mad because I cut them off and even chose to not go to important events they were having. I just felt like when I was not getting support or was getting shitted on, I couldn’t be there for them anymore. I’m not sorry about it. Again, no regrets. But one day I am open to making peace and just moving on. If they are open to that great, if not that is fine with me as well. I cannot hold on to anger, sadness, and heartbreak for the rest of my life. And I can’t let all these things I’ve been through bring me down for the rest of my life. I am still hurting, healing, angry, and sad but little by little I am improving. And that is part of why I started this blog. I did it for myself to continue to help myself heal and move on. This is all a self reflection and I can’t make it anymore clear that I’m not trying to play victim or hurt anyone.
Then there are the friends who have had crisis after crisis over the years and I would play therapist or hold their hand through all of it. Some of them weren’t there for me as much as I would be for them, and some I expected more from, some I didn’t expect anything from. I knew they had their own issues, issues too severe, and that they couldn’t possibly be supportive to me.
Unfortunately I had to distance myself or cut a lot of these people off as well. I just couldn’t mentally do it anymore. I couldn’t be a constant shoulder to cry on, a savior, be Jesus Christ, or be supportive any longer. Some of them I do feel horrible about, it was unintentional and I am sure they are angry with me, but while going through all of this, how could I possibly put it all to the side and be all ears and lend my support? Not when I was a hot mess trying to fix and better myself...
There was a time this year where I seriously almost considered going to a mental health facility because of how mentally damaged I was. I also was considering rehab. It is something that maybe I should have done because maybe I would have made less mistakes. I wanted to end my life. I was in therapy this year and it did not work or go well for me. It really is a shame that most health insurances don’t cover sufficient mental health care. My therapist was a young lady who seemed like she was a student. She was always nervous and even would cry when I would go through every detail of what I was going through. It was not very helpful for me and was too costly considering I had to take on so many bills on my own. Eventually she actually “broke up” with me because I think she could tell it wasn’t going anywhere....I am thankful that someway, some how I was able to find strength and get myself through this on my own. It was not easy doing it by myself.
Despite some of the horrible things I’ve been through and experienced this year, there still were plenty of amazing moments. I am thankful for the friends and family I do have. I feel like they’ve truly seen what I was going through and have gone above and beyond for me in ways nobody else ever has.
I am thankful to my friends Zenek and Nancy. We reconnected over the summer and as I shared with them everything I was going through I could literally feel their genuine sympathy and empathy. It almost felt like they were feeling my pain for me as I told them everything that was going on. And they have gone above and beyond to make me feel special and to show me I should be treated in the ways I’ve treated my friends over the years.
I am also thankful to my amazing friends Amanda and Stella for always being beyond generous to me and lending me their shoulders to cry on. It also helps that we share an obsession with Britney Spears and can obsess over her together. They have gone above and beyond for me in so many ways this year and I am so grateful.
I also am grateful for my coworkers Taisha and Alicia. I spent the entire year venting to Taisha during my lunch breaks and she was so supportive and kind to me. Alicia has also guided me into making this website and has lifted me up with her positivity and outlook on life.
My birthday this year would’ve been the hardest ever because my ex and I shared the same birthday and it was going to be my first birthday alone. Thanks to my friends and family I had the best birthday ever.
The weekend before my 29th birthday Zenek and Nancy treated me to a weekend get away to Atlantic City and we had the best time ever. Going to the beach, listening to good music and just relaxing and enjoying ourselves. They also bought me a crown! I’ve never had anyone do so much for me for my birthday.
My mom got me a ticket to see Madonna. I went to the Madame X tour with my two coworkers and had an amazing seat and time. How many people are lucky enough to see their favorite queen on their birthday? Such a small intimate show and I got to hear her new album live. I also was lucky enough that back in June I won tickets to see her do an interview with iHeart Radio and I actually got to speak to her and go up to her. That is a moment I will live with for the rest of my life.
During my birthday week my best friend Amanda came to visit from Kansas for the second time. First time was back in June and it was her first time coming to New York, we did cute touristy things and saw Ariana Grande in concert. This time when she came for my birthday we had dinner with my parents and went out on the town and just had a fun weekend filled with slumber parties and Britney music videos, we also had an amazing time with Stella when she joined us on our adventures. It truly was a birthday for the books and I am thankful for all of it other wise I would’ve been down and miserable.
In 2019 I went to a lot of concerts and shows. I saw Lady GaGa 3 times while I was in Vegas. I saw comedian Andy Borowitz at BAM in Brooklyn with my cousin and our friends. I then took myself to see the Cher show on broadway which got me totally into Cher. I saw Ariana Grande’s sweetener tour with Amanda, we also saw the Lion King on broadway which is one of my favorite broadway shows. I saw my favorite band Blondie in concert in Forest Hills over the summer and that was a lot of fun. I then went to Madonna’s Madame X tour twice, once on my birthday and then her final show in October in Brooklyn. I ended the year by seeing iconic legend Cher.
I would have seen Britney if her residency didn’t get canceled (FREE BRITNEY! By the way!) The concerts took me out of my element and lifted my spirits. Music really has saved my life over and over again since I was a child and it still does to this day. I love the stereotypical queens all the gays love, but for me it’s more than stereotypical. It’s personal. Their music has helped give me strength and has helped get me through the toughest times.
My first year living alone since April has been amazing too despite having severe financial issues and major depression. I love my apartment. I decided to decorate for Halloween and have a Halloween party and it was really fun. I also decided to go all out and decorate for Christmas and host a Christmas party. I think doing things like this helps the sadness and depression be a little bit at ease. The ambiance of the apartment is very comforting and relaxing.
I encourage anyone who is alone this year and feeling lonely to do the same. Lift yourself up, decorate your apartment, house, or bedroom. Don’t wallow in self pity and be miserable during the holiday season. You only need yourself at the end of the day.
I actually have done more Christmas events than ever this year. I went to our holiday party at work, I dressed up as rock star Santa and went to Santa con with coworkers, and I celebrated both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my family. It definitely helped me feel a little joy and happiness compared to Christmas last year.
I am thankful for my parents for stepping it up and helping me out during this difficult time. Whether it was financially or emotionally. I was able to get things I really needed and I don’t know what I would have done other wise.
I also am thankful for my current job. I started there just as my breakup occurred. I was miserable at all my other jobs over the years. But with this job I feel very respected, I love my boss, my coworkers, and I love what I do. I am glad that at least went well in my life because the last few jobs did contribute to my depression and anxiety and I can’t imagine having gone through what I’ve been through while working anywhere else. Work helps me keep busy and it’s a plus that I’m surrounded by wonderful people and a great team!
All in all the year I had and the things I’ve been through sound awful but believe it or not I am very grateful for it all. Sure I’m still angry, sad, and healing but the experiences needed to happen so my life could go in the direction it finally needed to go. I couldn’t go on with my life in the way it was going. And although it hurt like hell, I needed to see people’s true colors to clear the negativity out of my life. I still wish them all well and hope they’re happy and healthy. I still am struggling in so many ways but I no longer drink myself half to death in the ways that I did or make the same mistakes I was making.
Although these things are still on my mind a lot, I no longer let it control my life. Healing is a process and writing this all out and sharing it has truly helped me. And I hope it helps others who have gone through the same or something similar. I am not quite sure how far this will go but sharing my stories and experiences have helped me heal a lot and even helped me see some things differently. To those of you who took the time to read all this I thank you and truly appreciate it.
Happy new year everyone! 2020 is the start of a new decade, it’s the year I turn 30, and I am feeling confident it finally will be different and better than the past year and a half I’ve had. I hope the same for everyone in my life!
Just some of the songs that have gotten me through the year:
Madonna Living for Love:
Madonna Extreme Occident:
Madonna Human Nature:
Madonna X-static Process:
Britney Spears Stronger:
Britney Spears Why Should I Be Sad?:
Britney Spears Everytime:
Britney Spears To Love Let Go:
Cher Heart Of Stone:
Cher Strong Enough:
A Great Big World And Christina Aguilera Say Something:
Christina Aguilera Hurt:
Beyonce Hold Up:
Lady GaGa Million Reasons:
Lady GaGa Ft. Bradley Cooper Shallow:
Lady GaGa Always Remember Us This Way:
Lady GaGa Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down):
Selena Gomez Lose You To Love Me:
Janet Jackson Well Traveled:
Janet Jackson Someone To Call My Lover:
Ariana Grande In My Head:
Ariana Grande Thank U, Next:
Ariana Grande No Tears Left To Cry:
Miley Cyrus Nothing Breaks Like a Heart:
Blondie Heart Of Glass:
Fleetwood Mac Landslide:
Gwen Stefani Used To Love You:
Edith Piaf No Regrets:
I sometimes have to ask myself that why at almost 30 I still go for the wrong men? After seven years of being in a relationship with the wrong guy you would think by now that I would have learned and would be doing better for myself. But nope...
Let’s get into it. So far I have discussed my past relationship and dating culture for gay men (at least my experience). Now let’s dive into why we choose the men that we choose.
As Britney once sang “There’s only two types of people in the world, the ones that entertain, and the ones that observe”. Well there are also people who have confidence and people who don’t. Obviously those of us who don’t have confidence go for these men that are absolute pieces of shit because we feel we can’t do better. Right? It’s truly sad....
I have been single for over a year. It was a weird process putting myself out there again. Part of me felt like I would never date again and that I would just wallow in misery and be alone forever. But the other part of me told myself I’m still too young (and decent looking enough) that I can’t waste my life away and not try to see whose out there and maybe the possibility of finding my Prince Charming who will show me what real love feels like for the first time ever...Well here’s where I fucked up...Prince charming doesn’t exist. It seems anyone who acts like Prince Charming is only doing it to feed off their ego and get something that they want till they are finished. Okay, I’m not trying to sound too negative, I am sure Prince Charming exists he is just not what we envision.
Putting myself out there again, most of the guys I have met over the year just were not my cup of tea. Maybe I wasn’t quite over my ex yet or ready to try again. I just constantly felt dissatisfied and would lose interest fast.
It basically took a year till finally I found someone who peaked my interest. He was exactly my type looks wise, but age wise he was 5 years younger than me, and that is something I wouldn’t typically go for. Beautiful face. Hung penis, beautiful ass. A man of color....However with his good looks he had this charm that would take me so out of reality it almost felt magical and irrational at the same time.
I’ve been in a very dark place this year considering everything I’ve been through. And it will take a lot for me to be able to trust someone again. But I also have been extremely vulnerable and that is something I realized a lot of us need to work on before getting into the dating game. We need to be less vulnerable because with vulnerability comes lack of thinking clearly. When you’re a vulnerable person you can be very gullible as well. It had me head over heals. This person lived 3 hours away from me and I took the plunge and went to visit him. Something I’d never do in a million years. I felt crazy but felt like I had to meet him because of how sweet he seemed besides being beautiful.
But I made the mistake everyone makes. We were talking for two months but I did see nudes of him and we FaceTimed a lot and eventually we were being sexual on FaceTime, jerking off while doing it. Something I never ever did before. And then when I went of course we hooked up when typically if I like someone I like to wait. And this is why it didn’t work out....Because obviously if you like someone and rush into sex you will get hurt. And usually if I like a guy I always wait. I waited a while with my ex. We’d have sleep overs and everything before we had sex. We would just make out for hours and go to sleep. But since this guy lived so far away and I wasn’t sure when we’d see each other again, I couldn’t resist. Although I was nervous as fuck. Just like a school girl....I felt stupid because I should have known...
If someone lures you in with sweet talk and gives you roses, and has you fantasizing about your future together, it will make you catch feelings right away and take you all the way in without thinking realistically. Especially since when I got there he surprised me with roses and had my favorite love song playing “La Vie En Rose” when we met, and it took me by surprise because no one ever did that for me before....I was so excited. Too excited...Now I unfortunately cannot bare to hear that song because it has been ruined for me.
But As Madonna has one sang “long stem roses are the way to your heart but he needs to start with your head”....Point taken because when I received roses for the very first time, all rationale went out the window, and I thought this guy was perfect...Silly me...Again....
This is something that has always been my problem. The story is always the same. I meet a cute guy, we have great conversation and a great connection. I am a bit standoffish and timid when it comes to sex. He starts being overly sexual with me when we are talking, I get shy, so he tries to sweet talk my ears, tell me all the things I want to hear, makes me think it’s safe, and when I give in, all the romantic shit goes out the window. And I become the one whose trying, doing all the work, and chasing. This is exactly what happened with my ex even though we did end up together, I pushed hard to get him to give me the time of day and bring me into his life. It basically was seven years of chasing and me trying....He did try in his own way but no matter what he couldn’t give his all to me or let me all the way in. And of course who becomes the crazy one? The person who tries the most...
Out of all the guys I met this year, some had great potential, who did I fall for? Not the ones who gave me the time of day and continued to show interest. I fell for the one who went above and beyond to lure me in...The one who I opened up to about so much, who then slowly but surely pushed me away and made it obvious he no longer was interested without saying it....Yet would still hit me up if I didn’t hit him up, and told me he didn’t want me to think he didn’t like me. He kept me hanging on by a thread. This is the type of guy who wanted me to chase him while I found myself waiting for him to make a move he was never going to make.
I found myself losing sleep hoping he’d have some magical explanation as to why things changed and talk to me in the ways he did before. I found myself hoping he’d apologize and have the best reason. Waiting for a FaceTime call since he lives so far away. But instead he was showing me minimal conversation and had made it clear that he wanted to be chased. It’s sick because up until when we met he said everything he needed to say to convince me he was safe, that I should give him a chance, and that I deserved the world. Would send me love songs every day. I felt our time together even went well considering he made an Instagram post of pix of us together after I left claiming I was his “bae” and “Italian Stallion”. I’m not quite sure what happened where he no longer became interested but he did admit to me he had mental issues and does this all the time and doesn’t know why but that he still liked me....The typical guy I’ve always gone for ::sigh:: I had to really take time and tell myself I deserved better. I should not be chasing a child who has a lot to learn, who lives far away at that, and I just cannot try and teach someone how to love...Could not do that to myself again.
So what happened when I experienced this in the past? Instead of just ghosting and blocking the guys and moving on, I made myself wonder what the fuck was it I was hoping to gain out of these situations? Why could I not let go and why would I keep waiting and continue to try the most and hold on? It’s pathetic.
I can at least say what has changed compared to the past is that I am no longer going to try and wait around. Unfortunately with “roses” guy, I waited far too long but luckily it could’ve been longer than it was and I did not do the most nor did I try, I had enough strength to learn from my past and stop myself. For that I am grateful....
It got to a point where we’d skip a day or more of talking, I kind of left the ball in his court for when we would talk, and I refused to beg or chase. This was something I used to do a lot when I was younger and with my ex and it is not healthy. It made me insecure. But the one mistake I saw myself making with “roses” guy was waiting. Waiting is the worst. Waiting makes you crazy, waiting causes anxiety, and it only makes you think the worst possible things about yourself. It makes you feel like you are not enough. I felt incredibly stupid as I saw myself making excuses for him and repeating the same bull shit I went through years ago....
On Madonna’s new album “Madame X” she has a song called “Crazy”. It is my favorite song on the album because it basically describes the types of relationships I have had and go for.
“I spent all night waiting up. It’s gon be the last night I wait up for you. Spent a long time wakin up. Used to think that I was not enough for you. Now I see that I’m just way too much. You got your hands full, I misunderstood. Now I see that I’m who I can trust, and you gotta lot of wrong you’re tryna make good. But if you think I’ve been foolish and you only fool me once I guess it’s shame on you. Said now if you think I’ve been foolish and you keep trying to do it, baby Ima switch up plans on you. Cause you driving me crazy. You must think I’m crazy”.
And she goes into basically how the guy must think she’s crazy because of how she’s acting even though he lured her in and it was all just a game he was trying to make her play, while she was falling for him and praising him like he was god. But then she ends up being the crazy one even though he brought her in just to push her out. The song is an anthem for people like me who go through this and need to learn to let go.
So why do we do this? I believe it’s not so much because we fell for the person and feel stuck. I think it’s because a lot of us are battling insecurities. I personally suffer from severe body dysmorphia. This is something I’m not totally comfortable admitting, especially to guys when I meet them. However I do open up about being insecure and how I feel he might not be attracted to me once he sees me in person. I try not too harp on it too much though because I know when it comes to dating it is important to not show too much vulnerability and to show more confidence. Unfortunately the more vulnerability you show, the more likely you will be taken advantage of.
This last guy reassured me he’d be even more attracted to me after meeting me in person. Either he lied just to manipulate me, or he ended up not being attracted to me as he thought. Maybe attraction wasn’t the issue for him, but for me it’s what I harp on. Because people who suffer from body dysmorphia are literally obsessed with how they look and always think they aren’t good enough. So I can’t help it. And I think for me, the waiting and holding on occurs because I am looking for validation. I want to know he still finds me attractive and thinks I’m “the most gorgeous man in the world” as he used to tell me. I want to know I am good enough. And even though he’s showing me in his own way I am not good enough, I had trouble facing that and just cutting him off, because I was holding on to hope that he maybe is just going through something which is why he was being distant and showing loss of interest. I was starting to come up with a million excuses for him that he hadn’t even brought up to me, just to keep holding on and to keep waiting for something to happen. It’s sick because it’s exactly what I did with my ex when I went through everything I did with him. But the second I realized I was repeating that pattern, I realized more and more, it was time to let go.
I found strength....After seeing Cher in concert and hearing her powerful songs about finding strength and moving on... I also decided to use Madonna’s song to move forward. I could not let him drive me crazy. I would not let him drive me crazy. And I would not sit around and wait any longer. More importantly I would not allow myself to make the same mistake I made for seven years. So I decided to cut him off.
I will say that for some reason it was easier to cut off anyone but this person was the hardest. This is why I have taken and dealt with a lot of abuse in my life. We need to learn that good looks aren’t always everything and neither is a good personality. You have to really take it slow and feel someone out because if you rush, most times someone will catch feelings and someone will get hurt. I can’t say this enough....
So what’s my goal? Keep learning to focus on myself. Be content with being alone. Not let this bring me down. I had a rough year and this is exactly what I didn’t need to occur, because it has completely set me back emotionally when I was doing much better. But at the same time, I did need it to happen. It’s a wakeup call. I need to finally learn and stop making the same mistakes and making the same bad choices. I need to learn to love myself above everything else. I am almost 30 years old and threw a lot of my life away trying to make a relationship work, trying to make friendships work, trying to be there for everyone but myself and it all bit me in the ass. Life is too short to throw your life away on people who will not appreciate you or treat you the way you deserve to be treated....Don’t go for second best kids! Put your love to the test! Make him express how he feels and baby then you’ll know your love is real :)
I’m not sure if this is just a bunch of rambling to those of you who are reading this crap. But if anyone, even just one person relates to any of the stories I share, it would make me happy. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person in the world going through these things and that a lot of it is it in my head and I am just “crazy”. But I know there must be others who are going through or have gone through the same. Just know you are not alone, and even if we don’t know each other, we are in this together. Don’t let anyone drive you crazy. Even if they think you’re crazy! Stay true to your truth and have some self respect for yourselves! ;)
Songs that inspired this post are:
Crazy by Madonna:
Express Yourself by Madonna:
Sex and the city is basically the gospel of dating for women in New York. The show has been off the air for over 15 years yet not much has changed since then besides dating apps and social media. But the question is, where is the gospel of dating for gay men in New York?
I feel like almost every single in New York has the same kind of stories. You meet someone, it’s either a disaster or very exciting at first, but in the end it leads to nowhere. Someone loses interest and someone gets hurt.
I was in a relationship at a pretty young age at 20 years old. And it lasted for about 7 years. I am now 29. It took me a while to be able to date again. And pushing 30, having a different body and different frame of mind when it comes to life, I feel like I know nothing about dating. I wish there was a handbook for this because I feel like a child again trying to meet new guys for the first time ever and I truly feel nothing but lost and overwhelmed.
The fact that I was in a serious committed relationship at such a young age for so long, starting over has felt odd and strange. But after moments of self destruction and over eating mixed with drinking too much and wallowing in depression, I got to a point where I had to pick myself up and put myself out there.
I am gay. Gay culture when it comes to dating is the worst. I’m not sure if it’s the same for all gays, but for me meeting guys is always a challenge. I almost never meet a guy in person. I always have to find guys on dating apps and websites. The apps I use are: Grindr, GROWLR, tinder, plenty of fish, okcupid, hinge, scruff, Taimi, and adam4adam. Wow, typing that all out I am almost embarrassed by how many dating apps I am a member of. But it seems to be the same pattern on every single site, and it always goes in two ways: Someone is desperate for sex or someone is desperate for a relationship. It’s hard to find someone who doesn’t like to rush into things and who will take it slow and actually get to know someone.
Let’s talk about this....It’s 2019 and yet a lot of men are still in the closet. I guess it shows that we still have a lot of progress to make when it comes to the LGBT community even though we have made it very far. But I do not understand for the life of me why men hide their faces on their profiles, refuse to share their picture and think that it’s actually going to go somewhere? I understand everyone’s situation is different and they maybe in the closet for many reasons. But who in their right mind gives the time of day to someone who does not share their appearance? I mean they’ll share their body parts but not a face picture. You might have a nice dick or a nice ass but isn’t attraction beyond body parts? That’s the one thing that drives me insane. And then they will have the nerve to send unsolicited nudes or ask for nudes without revealing what they look like. It’s just so crazy to me.
Then there are the guys who just send a dick or ass pic in their first message. Maybe I’m boring, prude, and too old fashioned. But that makes me feel violated. I don’t need to see those things right away. I also noticed that most men do not read profiles. They just look at pictures and make all kinds of assumptions without actually feeling you out. I swear it’s one of the most frustrating things when it comes to this wonderful experience. You also realize how superficial men are once they do finally read your profile and give you the time of day.
Next is the really hot guys. They are the weirdest. I am convinced most of them are scam artists, secretly in relationships or just like attention. They only come on the app for about two seconds a day (or week). They say one thing to you and the conversation is nonexistent because they quickly disappear. And you would think that maybe they lost interest but for some reason they always pop right back up randomly (out of nowhere) to say just one line and disappear again. I cannot figure these men out for the life of me.
Last but not least there are the scammers/fake profiles. I love the tag lines on Grindr like “If I’m on here what do you think I’m looking for?” Or “These ‘about mes’ usually make me feel weird. I am an open book, so ask and you shall receive an answer”. They all say the same things and when you message them it’s always some bot saying the most ridiculous shit. Such as “I got the buns, you bring the hot dogs”. Or fake sugar daddies trying to make you their sugar baby with an allowance of a $1,000.00 a week or day. I don’t understand why this is a thing.
So it’s a whole process of going through the down low guys, the guys who send unsolicited nudes, the boring hot guys, and the bots/scammers. And finally if you’re lucky you meet a guy who can carry a conversation, who is cute, and has potential. And from there you go on a journey that can be magical, disastrous, or give you a happy ending (in more ways than one). I am still looking for my happy ending but after everything I went through it’s something sometimes I am not sure if I am ready for, especially with how difficult it is figuring this whole dating thing out.
I ignored red flags when I was with my ex and put up with a lot of shit. I chased him for basically seven years from the beginning till the end. And I have some kind of PTSD from that so I tend to run for the hills the second I see that something doesn’t seem right with a guy. Because of that I may have hurt many guys and have had many situations where I have ghosted men because it was easier than just dealing with ending things and letting them down. I also have been ghosted by men that I was starting to like too. It seems it’s the new thing that people do these days.
I think ghosting has become easy because on most cell phones you can now easily block a number and never deal with the person ever again. I remember when I was dating in my late teens/early twenties, if I was done with a guy I had to just ignore his calls and texts and pray that eventually he would stop. But now it’s just so easy but I always send a goodbye text and give an honest explanation. I feel like it’s the least I can do and I feel that’s what all guys should do but for some reason men like to avoid opening up and being honest and like to take the easy way out of things. Men seem to not take rejection very well at all but also suck at honestly rejecting someone so they just become assholes in a lot of these situations.
Ghosting to me is sometimes necessary. I have met a lot of weirdos. I opened up to one guy about how sometimes I need space. And I went through a period where I needed it, I was honest with him and told him. Two days go by and he makes a fake Snapchat account trying to harass me and it was more than obvious it was him because the guy spoke just like he spoke and used the same exact emojis he always used. It was ridiculous, he was my age not 12. Then he blew up on me because I made a Facebook post but didn’t text him. I forgot to mention he ended up having a boyfriend in the process of us talking but yet proceeded to talk to me and do all of this. I was done I blocked him on all platforms. Another guy seemed really cool, we had good conversation. But then he was moving too fast for my liking. In fact I was creeped out, he talked about living together already and how infatuated he was with me. I had to block him because he was going too fast and was being creepy. He literally messaged me from a different number, then on WhatsApp after I blocked him, tried calling me on WhatsApp, found me on social media and tried messaging me there. It was insane. I don’t understand why some men are like this but thank god for that block option!
I mentioned earlier that men either like to rush into sex or rush into relationships and don’t know how to build a connection. When I was younger I was all for the one night stands. I went to an orgy, had threesomes, I would hook up with half the guys in a bar or club. I did not care who was there or who saw. I’d go on a number of dates per week and just make out all over town. Then I had a serious relationship for seven years and that changed me. I can have a casual encounter with someone but I still need a connection first other wise to me it won’t be good or worth it. Lacking passion and intimacy is terrible sex in my opinion. I also could be romantic and have a relationship with someone but I need time to get to know them. I think the problem is many of the men I find are just inexperienced and haven’t had a serious long term relationship as I have so it’s why I keep meeting these men who just rush into things.
A lot of times when I first meet someone it goes well after the first date. But then as I get to know them more something always goes wrong. But the experiences always help me learn more and more about what I want and what I am looking for.
One guy loved to read books and write poetry. He’d come over my house and read all day and we’d cuddle and drink beers and watch tv. But he was moving too fast for me and he didn’t like that I was moving slow, so it didn’t really go anywhere. It got to the point where I saw he was tweeting about me saying all types of things about me, including quoting conversations and expressing that I was moving too slow for his liking. Mind you he was broke and I was paying for everything each time we’d hangout. I was so frustrated I sent him voice messages explaining why I was done, I blocked him and mailed him his things he had left at my place.
Another guy had “psychic” tendencies and loved reading peoples energies and auras, however he was still hooked on the only person he ever dated (which was for only 3 months), he also was inexperienced when it came to relationships and sex, and did not wish me happy birthday but confessed to me that he was upset that the person he dated three months did not respond to him when he wished him happy birthday, and then did not understand why I was starting to ignore him (Thank you, next).
Another guy worked for broadway and wooed me with dinner and drinks, it was the first time I went on a date and the other person wanted to pay for everything and I couldn’t believe it. He was dreamy but ultimately ghosted me ::sigh:: Then there was the boy who was “separate checks” guy. He was really something else. He was terrible at making conversation, laughed hysterically at his own jokes, and almost killed me because I never heard of the viola before and I thought it was the same thing as the violin. We went to dinner and he asked for separate checks. We then went to a bar and again he asked for separate checks. Look, I don’t need to be paid for, but I think splitting the bill is the appropriate thing to do, but maybe it’s just me. He was dry as hell and boring but still invited me to his viola concert after our first date and after not hearing from him after it for a few weeks, however when I asked him for further details, he never responded to me. Oh well.
Then there was a little person who altered his pictures to make himself look taller. I still gave him a chance when I saw him. Our conversation was dry and I was not really attracted to him, but it is not always about looks. I probably should have left after dinner, but I decided to go to a gay bar with him to get drinks. During conversation, turns out he was a Chris Christie lover, a hardcore Trump supporter and had no issue admitting he hates women with a passion, like won’t talk to them or be friends with them. We argued a lot about this. We had this discussion on a patio while having a smoke. I decided to go to the bar to get us more drinks because I could not deal with this sober. Of course other guys were hitting on me, hot guys at that, but I did not want to be rude. I came up with an excuse and said a friend close by needed me to help her because she was in a crisis. This is where he said, "See this is why I hate women!" We would have had to take the same long train ride home together other wise. I walk him to the train, and he taps my chest, I look down on him, and he gets on his tippy toes and tries to give me a kiss. I felt bad for him at this point, but afterwards I ran back to the bar to get another drink to calm my nerves and I ghosted him without explanation, for that I probably was wrong. Eh.
Finally there was a boy who was five years younger than me. And my god he was the most dreamy. And it was the weirdest situation of my life. I never went for younger and he lived 3 hours away upstate. And he was so sexy and beautiful. And had the most amazing personality. We hit it off fast but it was kind of good he lived far away because we couldn’t rush into things so easily. When he would text me I would get so excited. I hadn’t felt that way since I met my ex. And it was the first time ever since my breakup I really started to catch feelings for someone and it scared the life out of me. It gave me the worst anxiety. But he felt so right. I told him my favorite love song was La Vie En Rose but the Lady GaGa version from A Star is Born. We would talk about our future together and what it would be like if we met each other and how much we longed to experience each other every day. And I couldn’t believe I was actually doing it but I decided to take a train upstate to where he lived and spend a whole weekend with him. I felt like the craziest person ever to do such a thing. For all I knew he was secretly a murderer and was going to kill me. But it was magical. He picked me up from a cab I took from the train. Brought me upstairs to his apartment, made me close my eyes and wait outside the door. He opens the door and I hear Lady GaGa playing from his phone “La Vie En Rose” and he actually gave me roses. No guy ever gave me flowers before, not even my ex in seven years even though I gave him roses once. It felt so good and like a fairytale. I was nervous most of that weekend though because I was so scared considering the PTSD I suffer from from my last relationship and I couldn’t believe any of it was real and I felt in my gut something had to be wrong with him. I should’ve never had those negative thoughts. But it was an amazing experience. But after all of that, it all died down, and I am not sure what’s going to happen with that or where it’s going to go. It was an amazing learning experience though because someone finally showed me exactly how I want to be treated, and I am glad I got to experience it in the short while that it lasted. I do still like him though and I am scared that I was lured into something to just be used for sex or attention. I am not sure and hope that I am wrong.
To me dating has become something more of a hobby then something you can take seriously. It’s like playing a game of chess and you always have to have the best poker face. It can feel exciting and then turn to dust. The only way you survive is if you have minimal expectations and more importantly, not have a dependency issue. I think we all can survive the dating world if we all accept that we only have ourselves to depend on when it comes to achieving happiness. The best way to be happy with someone is to share your happiness with them, not expect them to be your savior who will make you happy. You have to understand that you can’t force someone to have feelings for you or to like you and if they don’t or lose interest, it’s okay. Move on, go back out there and go through all the same type of men in the dating apps (or the world) till another one comes along to peak your interest, and continue the cycle.
NYC is a huge city but the gay community seems to be small. It’s always the same men for the most part on the apps and you’re just a fish in the pond waiting for someone to catch you or looking for another fish. Either way, I’ve learned to be happy being a solo fish, and if I end up being a solo fish for the rest of my life, I will be nothing but happy and content with that. We can’t ever love anyone, and nobody could ever love us, until we learn to love ourselves, and self love is the most important love there is and ever will be. When you achieve that, all these experiences just become stories you can share with the world....Till next time....
Since I feel each dating situation I've been in was a learning experience, song to go with post is "Thank you, next" by Ariana Grande :)
Selena Gomez...I was never a huge fan of hers but I have always felt she was talented. Her new song "Lose you to love me" is a masterpiece in my opinion, and suddenly I find myself becoming a stan.
I’ve had a very rough year. I was in a relationship for seven years and it ended in October of 2018. I did not handle it very well. In fact I am in shock that I am still alive today. I would drown my sorrows in alcohol and sad music. I felt like a part of my soul was snatched out of my body and there was no way of getting it back. I felt like a part of me had died. It was bad enough that I had to lose the person who mattered most to me but I also did not have any type of support system (at the time). Life long friends turned their backs on me when I needed them the most, and I literally only had myself to pick myself up and get myself out of it.
It was a journey. A journey I am now thankful for because it forced me to grow up. It forced me to learn to care about myself. It forced me to learn to only rely on myself for things and that I can handle anything on my own.
Months into the breakup I took a trip to Las Vegas by myself and saw Lady GaGa in concert. I wondered to the Grand Canyon and went hiking on the beautiful mountains there. I stood on the edge of a cliff and felt the world in my arms. I gave Mother Nature a huge hug and thanked her for having my back. Thanks to GaGa and the mountains I was able to learn a lot about myself. Throughout her show, GaGa had messages of self love, and finding strength when we are let down, I felt like she was speaking to my soul and it brought me to tears. With this trip, I was able to forgive myself for being the person that I am.
I took so much time blaming myself for the breakup, blaming myself for the fact that I did not have a support system. I blamed myself to the point where I attempted to take my own life in many ways, and lead myself to a path of self destruction. I felt like I did not deserve to be on this earth and that I was not worthy. But the mountains, the solo trip. It was self discovery. I was finally finding myself and things were falling into place and making sense.
I was always someone who was a giver. I was always overly kind, the life of the party, the best host, the best friend. I have gone above and beyond for people for as long as I can remember. But one thing I realized was I did so much for people because I did not know how to do anything for myself. I always put everyone before me. I always put my feelings to the side and made sure everyone else was happy. If anyone was going through something I dropped everything and made sure I did everything in my power to support that person and make sure they were okay. I’ve never gotten this in return. Most times it didn’t bother me, or I didn’t even realize it. It wasn’t till I finally was going through the worst time of my life that I realized that the people I had done the most for throughout my life, were not going to be there for me the one and only time I really needed it.
Unfortunately my kindness was only doing more damage than good. I learned that most people in this world are selfish and only out for themselves. And that is not necessarily a bad thing. I did have to teach myself to be selfish, to learn to say no to things I don’t want to do, to not always be a super hero for people without feeling guilty about it. If I ever had to say “no” to someone the guilt would eat me up alive, and I’d just force myself into situations and be secretly miserable the entire time. The issue isn’t about people being selfish, because being selfish is okay. But the issue is, when you are giver as much as I once was, people will take advantage of you. People who you love, people who you thought were gonna be in your life forever. They will mistake your kindness for weakness and take advantage of it.
I was with my ex for seven years. I saw red flags from the start. I ignored them. Maybe because I was only twenty years old and did not know better. Maybe because I was looking for an escape from the traumatic household I was living in. But mostly because I suffered from severe depression and anxiety. I also suffered from severe body dysmorphia and it made me so insecure to the point where I felt like I couldn’t do better and would settle for men who had abusive tendencies or didn’t really give me the time of day, and mostly used me for sex or for my kindness. I let it get the best of me throughout my life.
My ex is an amazing person. I have to admit that. I do not think he is evil or petty or has done things on purpose. But he did take advantage of my kindness and my insecurities. To try and show him I loved him I spoiled him. Took him on trips, took him to concerts, paid for everything. I put up with a lot of stuff I’ll keep private because I don’t want to tarnish his reputation too much because I still care about him. But I literally let things slide that anyone else would have walked away from immediately. I chased him when he didn’t give me the time of day. I practically begged him to let me in, to love me and to care about me. Unfortunately after years of trying and fighting mental abuse, I kind of just gave up and let things slide and let him do whatever he wanted. I even had my own faults due to being unhappy and I started to show less affection and kept to myself, and when that occurred I became the bad guy. He did not like this. I just no longer knew how to give my all. However I still was holding on to him for dear life because I could not picture my life without him. Losing him was my worst nightmare.
The relationship was very toxic but eventually he made the decision to end things. And he knew this was a decision I was never going to make. And he knew that I still loved him. What was his plan? To live together till our lease was up which would’ve been 2 years after we broke up. I still was holding on so I did not push him out of the apartment. We lived together for 6 months and that was the hardest 6 months of my life. He moved on right away. He was hardly home but we still cuddled and slept in the bed together. And on many occasions when he was sad about the breakup he’d ask me for hugs. He’d do all this giving me false hope but then was doing whatever he wanted on the side. It was as if the seven years went down the drain. And every part of me was dying inside as each day would go by and I’d watch him be comfortable with our living situation and having the time of his life being single, also with people who were supposed to be my life long friends I must add. Which made everything worse. They all knew how it made me feel but it didn’t matter to them. Despite all that I had done for them over the years....Showing me not an ounce of support while I was going through this.
This lead me to the darkest depression of my life. But finally when I went to Vegas and the Grand Canyon I had an epiphany. He had to go, he could no longer live with me, and I needed to be on my own to be able to move on in the ways that he was able to do overnight. And I did not need anyone who was not going to be supportive to me during the darkest time of my life. I was finally ready to let him and everyone else that was toxic in my life go. And I did.
Once I came back I told him he could no longer live with me. It took two months after that for him to leave but once he finally left I still would cry most nights and it took me a while to heal. It’s been over a year and I still am damaged and still am healing. But the one thing I am grateful for, is learning how to love myself. How to care about myself. And this is why I brought up Selena Gomez in the beginning of this post. It was literally a year later from my breakup that she released this song. And it truly spoke to my soul. It’s literally everything I went through. And the painful truth of having to lose the person I loved the most to love myself. Every single lyric in that song is literally everything I went through. From ignoring the signs, wearing rose colored glasses, and having to lose this person to find myself.
Sometimes I felt like I wasted seven years of my life. Most of the time I wasn’t happy. I was miserable and suffered from mental health issues partly because of it. Most of the time I wanted to die. But then I realized I did not waste any time. I needed to go through this to learn and be a better person for myself.
For once I want to live and feel alive and that’s why now I am grateful for all that I went through. I am grateful for the friends that I lost along the way and the strength that I found. I am grateful that now, moving forward, I have enough self respect when I meet a guy to not ignore red flags. To not chase him and beg him to care about me, to not beg him to like me, or to love me. I will not allow myself to go through any of that ever again. And if I stay single and alone forever, that is fine with me. Because it’s not a bad thing. I can have the time of my life with just myself and the few friends that I have and be content with it.
I must quote the queen Madonna “Power is being told you’re not loved and not being destroyed by it”. And that is the gods honest truth. Remember that when you are going through a depression because of how someone (or people) treated you. Always know you can get yourself through anything and when you realize that, you will be happier than ever, and stronger than ever. We certainly do sometimes need to lose people to love and find ourselves and when we finally do, we finally feel what happiness truly feels like.
Selena Gomez: Lose You to Love Me
I decided to dedicate my first post to the princess of pop, Britney Spears. 21 years ago today, on October 23rd 1998, Britney released her very first single “Baby One More Time”. After this song’s debut, the rest was history. Britney paved the way for all the other pop Bitches that came after her. These girls cannot hold a candle to her, not even if they tried. According to billboard, Baby one more time is the 5th best selling single by a female artist EVER in history.
Baby one more time originally was supposed to be a song for TLC but they rejected the song and somehow it was presented to Britney when she was only 16 years old. Can you imagine that? I love the concept of the video: cute/chic broken hearted catholic school girl. Apparently it was all Britney’s idea to have the uniforms and tied up shirt with pig tails. Not only is she musically talented but she also is fashionably brilliant.
I’ve been a die hard Britney Spears fan for 21 years. The second I heard this song is when I instantly fell in love and I was only 8 years old. Since then I’ve seen Britney in concert 10 times and I’ve met her three times over the years. I will save the stories about when I met her for a separate post one day in the near future...
Today, I am celebrating by wearing a baby one more time t shirt and drinking out of a Britney themed wine glass. Here’s to you living legend/iconic queen! Happy anniversary Britney Spears!
Music video: https://youtu.be/C-u5WLJ9Yk4
Favorite performance of the song is from her Dream Within A Dream tour which I was lucky enough to attend live. This remix is so sexy and so is her diamond studded top that she wore with the tight jeans. Inspired by the queen Madonna of course! I don’t know how she did this performance while getting soaking wet and rained on each time she performed the closing number to the show. No other could do this! Not even if they tried!
Louis Capici works in the health field and plays a role in saving lives. He writes on the side to express his views and thoughts on life.