I'd do anything if you would just believe me
I am human, and visibly bleeding
When your smile is shaking, I'll catch you as you fall
If I had a painter's mind, then I would paint it
Or a sculptor's hands, then I would shape it
But instead, I guess I'll sing it in this song
I cry more than I ever say
Each time, your love seems to save the day
Lift me up, give me a start
'Cause I've been flying with some broken arms
Lift me up, just a small nudge
And I'll be flying like a thousand doves
Summer…Summers almost gone…We were talking about life, we were sitting outside 'til dawn...
I’ve always hated summer. Maybe because you have to wear minimal clothing in the summer and I’ve always been really self-conscious. I also hate the feeling of being hot. I don’t know why people love summer so much, it was never really for me. But summer does have its magical moments. It gives you a boost of energy and suddenly you have the urge to go out more, be more social, meet new people, and of course there’s the beautiful sunsets and being able to enjoy the beautiful scenery outside…Something about summer makes you able to just stop for a minute and truly think. The days are longer and brighter and once it's night time you get into this zone of self-reflection, something you weren’t really doing all day long when you had to put your energy into everything else.
The best thing that really happened to me this summer was the Chromatica Ball. As usual Lady Gaga put on a spectacular show and even though I only waited two years to see it (thank you COVID) I felt like I waited my whole life for it. It was a full moon that night so it was time to release any and all negative energy I’ve been feeling for a long time…Thanks to Gaga I was able to do just that and I of course cried several times when she was playing on the piano.
Last year I had a deep awakening and finally realized the things I needed to do to start to finally move on with my life. I moved out of the old apartment and I set forward a plan for myself so that I would become more independent and be on the right path. This year I had to learn that not all plans happen when you want them to, and sometimes you have setbacks when trying to obtain your goals…I had to go through several disappointments and setbacks and because of that I went back to a really bad place…
I felt like everything was so hopeless. I was truly losing my patience. I felt like my patience was being tested by the universe as well because I didn’t know how to just patiently wait for something that was meant for me to grow and to elevate. A lot of times I was beating myself up for not being grateful for the things I had while focusing more on the things I didn’t have.
I realized I put a lot of hard work into my job the past few years... For me a lot of it had to do with the fact that I’ve always been a hard worker and it’s just who I am naturally. The other part of it was I was going through the worst years of my life behind the scenes when I first got this job. I was heartbroken, suicidal, depressed, alone, and self-destructing in many ways. I didn’t know how to come out of it and I honestly don’t know how I made it out of those years alive.
'Cause I knew you
Steppin' on the last train
Marked me like a bloodstain, I
I knew you
Tried to change the ending
Peter losing Wendy, I
I knew you
Leavin' like a father
Running like water, I
And when you are young, they assume you know nothing
In 2020 I made a post called “Sine From Above” as I was falling back into having hopes for a toxic relationship to work out again. I related Gaga’s song “1000 doves” in the post as well. I think I wanted him to read it and to know how vulnerable and lonely I was and how much I missed him. I wanted him to know that I was talking about him and hoped he would change and come back to me after reading it…I was hesitant to make the post and I even went to a psychic who told me I had to do it….At the time everything felt like it was going to start up again and I thought I saw signs telling me that he was going to come back to me…It didn’t work out after the post…But when that didn’t happen I finally let go of the relationship after 2 years of not being able to, and I finally started to move on with my life. For that I am grateful and that’s exactly why I had to make the post. To finally move on.
I can't make it go away by making you a villain
I guess it's the price I pay for seven years in heaven
And I pulled your body into mine every goddamn night now I get fake niceties
No one teaches you what to do
When a good man hurts you
And you know you hurt him too
When I saw Lady Gaga back in August of 2022 she sang the original demo version of 1000 doves that she didn’t put out on the Chromatica album (only the target version had it as a bonus). She said it was originally a sad song and something she wrote about when she felt really sad and alone and was in a dark place. She basically was singing to god and to Jesus to be there for her, and I can relate to that more than the original song and more than how I meant it in my post back then.
I'd do anything for you to really see me
I am human, invisibly bleeding
When your smile is shaking
I'll catch you as you fall
Life has challenged me in many ways over the years and I had so many moments of feeling so down and feeling so alone at times, even during the times when people were around. I felt so alone so many times and the only thing I was able to do was make my job my life. It was my distraction, it gave me endorphins just running up and down and going above and beyond and focusing on what I could help with. I would stay late every day to avoid going home and being depressed. Every time I accomplished something I felt good and would challenge myself to do more. Otherwise I’d go home and drink a bottle of wine and cry all night. I needed the distraction and in a lot of ways it was saving me.
Over time I realized I had potential to do more and to do better and I felt like I had to manifest that for myself and it’s all I dreamed and prayed for. I wanted to move and I wanted a new job. I felt like those two things would really get me on the right track when it came to my healing journey. I felt like I worked hard and earned it and I also finally needed something good to happen in my life after all of these hard years.
As always nothing comes easy. I moved but definitely had a lot of issues in my new apartment over the past year…The job hunt situation was a nightmare and I’ve never done more interviews than I have in my life this year and kept getting turned down. One job I had to do six interviews for and almost made it to the finish line and realized I came in second place as a candidate. Another job I almost got but they realized too late that I didn’t have the right credentials they needed. As someone who is as insecure as I am I can’t tell you how difficult it was for me to constantly put myself on a pedestal and get dressed up and sell myself to the best of my efforts while always being one hundred percent honest and confident…
Nothing was working out and I just felt so hopeless. I felt so lonely again. I’m tired of being the victim when it comes to my life and complaining constantly to friends and family. I feel like all I do is complain and all I do is whine about everything that’s going wrong in my life and at this point I’m exhausted and no longer have the energy to do that.
Psychologically, it's something that I can't explain
Scratch my nails into the dirt to pull me out okay
My thoughts can be like a monster in my head. They say words to make me feel negative and down about myself. They torture me. It’s a never ending battle that I fight every day trying to not let them bring me down. Sometimes I validate my thoughts by blaming others for causing me to have them… Sometimes I fear my thoughts make me my own worst enemy. Sometimes I fear my negative thoughts will jinx anything good that can come my way. I decided to stay more silent this time because like I said, I was tired of playing victim, I feel it’s all I’ve done all my life.
I felt just like Gaga’s song, I needed god or the universe. I was losing touch with my spirituality which really got me through a lot too when I got into that stuff. I felt so disconnected and so done and just wanted to give up on life. I went from constantly praying to no longer praying all together.
That old familiar body ache
The snaps from the same little breaks in your soul
You know when it's time to go
By the grace of god I finally got a promotion at work and things were finally starting to look up…It is important to always speak up, and I have been through a lot of traumatic things in my life but I had to just stop complaining…It came to a point where I had to realize that I can’t play victim for the rest of my life. I had to accept that if something doesn’t work out it doesn’t always reflect on myself and sometimes it’s just something that wasn’t meant to be.
Once I was able to own up to my faults and my constant need to play victim I think that’s when the universe finally gave me what I was working so hard for. I have to admit, I couldn’t be more thankful and more thrilled to venture on to this new opportunity. I have grown so much in my career and now it’s time I grow emotionally and spiritually and physically.
I guess I'm lost
I paid a handsome cost
The thing that hurt the most
Was that I wasn't lost…
I wasn't lost…
When I went through a break up four years ago I never felt so alone in my entire life. I was going down the wrong path and I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I couldn’t tell him all the things I wanted to say. I felt like I couldn’t tell my friends (friendships that also ended at the same time) the things I wanted to say either. I always feared I was crazy and wrong and I had to write everything out in this blog in order to validate my feelings and what I went through.
I progressed more and more but moving on from traumatic events sometimes just can’t be cured. You learn to live with it. I wrote everything out over and over again, and despite the fact that I still missed him, I still missed my friends, I still questioned myself every single day and wondered what would’ve it looked like if things were different and never changed? What would have happened if one thing had been different? I kept reliving every good and every bad moment all day, every single day. This was eating me alive so I kept listening to music and kept writing about it. I kept expressing the phases I’d go through with getting stronger and moving on and then I would express all the setbacks as I would go through them.
I talked about all my stories with incorporating songs and lyrics from the songs that were touching my soul as I was trying to heal and move on. Big shout out to Taylor Swift for releasing Folklore and Evermore right when I needed them the most. I’ll remember all the tears that came down my cheeks while listening to the songs and writing my heart out at the time. I’ll remember it all too well…
I enjoyed talking about sex and men and my journey being single and trying to put myself out there and connect. I’ve learned recently that I am demi sexual. Yes I am still one hundred percent gay, but I learned that before I can have sex with a man or rush into anything with a man I really need a strong emotional bond and connection first, it makes me feel safe. I no longer feel comfortable having hook ups or rushing into anything sexual with a guy no matter how attractive he may be.
Being this way stinks because I can never get laid and I am very picky with who I allow into my life. But I also like it better too. I’ve been through too much with men and relationships and with all of the guys I’ve fallen for in the past, so now I am protecting myself and trying to be smart. I do hope one day I’ll find someone I can connect with but I won’t hold my breath, until then, I am enjoying myself alone and am grateful my career is headed on the right path.
I'm like the water when your ship rolled in that night
Rough on the surface but you cut through like a knife
And if it was an open-shut case
I never would've known from that look on your face
Lost in your current like a priceless wine
I am not sure if you noticed I brought back a lot of the songs I incorporated in my blog posts in the past…Mostly Taylor Swift songs. I will say I had to reflect on those old posts for a reason because they were my most vulnerable and more raw. They were my favorite posts. I had to be very brave to write those things out and share them with the world…
I have been reflecting on these past posts because I am now retiring this blog indefinitely. I will leave it here to reminisce every time I need a reminder of my journey and how far I’ve come and grown over the years. I will use it as tool to inspire me to hopefully write a good book one day. I will also leave it here for the few people who read it and come to me all the time telling me how inspired they am by my posts and how relatable it has been for them…
For now I am going to focus on myself as I am embarking on a new career and new job. I will be working on myself in so many ways and as I progress more and more maybe just maybe I’ll decide to come back and write again and share how those journeys went.
I am grateful to the few of you who have read this. I am thankful to have made it this far in my life and I am looking forward to seeing what’s next to come as I celebrate another year long journey around the sun. Happy birthday to me!
Stay strong folks, till next time, peace and love! Fall, Halloween, and the holidays are coming! Tis’ the damn season! Enjoy it!
Louis Capici works in the health field and plays a role in saving lives. He writes on the side to express his views and thoughts on life.