Part 1 Willow
I'm like the water when your ship rolled in that night…
Rough on the surface but you cut through like a knife.
What type of relationship do you want next? Do you want casual? Do you want commitment? What kind of commitment? What do you see for yourself in the future with the next person? Do you even see yourself with “the next person”? Do you see yourself alone? Are you going to find someone who will dominate you or will you dominate them?
Hi everyone! It’s been a while. Carrie Bradshaw is back, and just like that! So am I!
I’ve come back stronger than a 90s trend.
Whatever it is that you want, or see for yourself…Write it down. Write it all down. Read it out loud during a new moon, set your intentions. During a full moon let go of what you don’t want and what didn’t/doesn’t work for you.
Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind…
Head on the pillow, I could feel you sneaking in
Men love to lure me in with sex and make me feel like I’m attractive. I like to entice a man by showing them love. I lure him in with everything that is awesome about me. I do see life like a willow. I want to be a savior who saves someone, especially someone who isn’t happy. I want my plans to be wrecked by someone because I’m putting theirs before mine. That’s my kind of guy, always has been. It’s not healthy, because I end up losing over and over again. The unhealthiest thing about it is that deep down I’m always waiting to be saved in return, and that never happens.
I hope that as I take the next man on a journey into my folklore world (in queens NY), he takes me right into his. That’s the dream and that’s the fairytale for me. That is the god’s honest truth. That is why I’ve always gone after men with mental health issues. I want to save them. But I guess maybe also because I see myself in them in lots of ways, so I connect with them better.
I actually feel it’s normal to have unhealthy fantasies, because at the end of the day life is not normal, it is not healthy. It is dysfunctional and you can want dysfunctional things….
As if you were a mythical thing,
like you were a trophy or a champion ring,
and there was one prize I'd cheat to win…
The more that you say,
the less I know.
Wherever you stray,
I'm begging for you to take my hand.
Wreck my plans,
that’s my man…
You know that my train could take you home,
anywhere else is hollow.
I'm begging for you to take my hand.
Wreck my plans,
that's my man
Part II Tis The Damn Season…
There’s an ache in you put there by the ache in me. But if it’s all the same to you, it’s the same to me…
T e m p t a t i o n…What is it about holiday season that gets us in our feelings? If you’re over thirty and single with very little friends, you may understand where I’m gonna go with this…
You are content with being alone, you are comfortable, you love it! You are glad you get to be the slob that you are without worrying about being embarrassed about it because of what someone else might think. For the most part you almost prefer to be alone because there is so much comfort in having the freedom to be yourself without all the judgment…And who needs a shit ton of friends anymore?
There’s a lot of self reflection that comes with living alone. There’s a lot of old feelings and memories that arise. There are urges that you sometimes have. Especially while living in a pandemic. If you need to get laid and you’re a cautious person you might not sleep with just anyone. Even though you certainly can. You’d rather just jerk off or masturbate because you’re already content enough with being alone right? Fucking yourself can be just as good of an experience until you can find someone who you trust enough to fuck you (insert Britney’s song “touch of my hand” here)….
The holidays linger like bad perfume,
you can run, but only so far…
The reality is it’s cold and dark out and a lot of times you want someone in your bed with you…Maybe even someone from the past you still fantasize about. Whether it’s the one who got away or someone who gave you the best orgasm of your life. The one who satisfied your sexual needs or maybe the one who made you feel good about yourself for a brief moment. Perhaps the one who you confused good sex with love….It’s holiday season and so many people are getting proposed to or posting pictures with their significant others/families in matching PJs…And even though you like being alone and don’t need any of that, that’s when the temptation kicks in…That is when the loneliness kicks in...The desperation.
Time flies, messy as the mud on your truck tires…
Now I'm missing your smile, hear me out!
We could just ride around,
and the road not taken looks real good now…
And it always leads to you in my hometown.
Sleep in half the day just for old times' sake…
I won't ask you to wait if you don't ask me to stay
Is it better to not let the fear of COVID get the best of you and have random sexual encounters? Or should you pick up that phone and make that phone call, or send that text that can open the door to allowing someone back into your life that you probably shouldn’t? It’s okay because it’s Christmas and you’re a little emotional and horny so even though it might be regretful afterwards, at least it’s easing all the bad feelings in the moment! Right? At least you’re sexually satisfied right? What’s the worst that can happen? ‘Tis the damn season!
Holiday lights everywhere, dark after four in the evening. A new year about to approach. It causes you to remember everything that occurred during the year from start to finish. And your body aches for one more encounter, you almost want to say “fuck the feelings” and get it out of your system one more time. There’s all this pathetic, nauseating love around you and you need something to fill the void.
Make an agreement, let it all go, one encounter for the season and that’s it. Then call it even. You loved him, he just wanted sex. He gave you the best sex of your life then broke your heart. Now you can get satisfied one more time and call it "even"…
And the heart I know I'm breakin' is my own
To leave the warmest bed I've ever known
We could call it even
Even though I'm leavin'
And I'll be yours for the weekend
'Tis the damn season
The truth is you’re probably just lonely because it’s holiday season and the reality is despite loving to be alone, you don’t want to be alone for the rest of your life. Even though you don’t feel it with someone no matter how hard you try to, you eventually want to feel a spark with someone new. A connection, butterflies. A rise in your life and in your pants.
Just like the person you’re tempted to call made you feel at one point. You want it again. This is not necessarily something I’m going through by the way. I just relate to some people who are tempted to call that guy up for one more good time during holiday season even though deep down they know they were (or still are) somewhat emotionally attached and he’s always been emotionally unavailable. These people won’t admit this to themselves.
I will never judge you, but please, find self control. Battling the thoughts and memories of the person is a whole other demon in itself, but sometimes it is better to let go and not add any new horrible memories to the ones that already exist…Even if you have the opportunity to reach out and be sexually satisfied for a brief moment. Fuck yourself until the right one comes along. You know how to make your body feel good in ways it deserves to. If you aren’t scared of COVID, by all means have causal sex (safely of course) Tis the damn season! Treat yourself! But don’t go backwards!
Part III All Too Well…
Well, maybe we got lost in translation,
Maybe I asked for too much...
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece
'Til you tore it all up...
Running scared, I was there
I remember it all too well
I wrote this blog two years ago and boy to say I’ve come along way, my god I am proud of myself. I am so proud of myself. I learned so much about myself. I have discovered so much about myself. These past two years have been a game changer. This blog truly saved my life. I hope it saved someone else’s too.
The biggest thing I learned is that I’m never going to fully let go of everything I try to not remember. I’m never going to be able to erase memories. I’m never gonna fully stop thinking about all of the things and people that hurt me. I’m never going to stop loving certain people. I’m never gonna stop fantasizing. I am going to live with these things for the rest of my life. And that is okay.
Once we can allow ourselves to accept this when we are in these situations and trying to move on from them, then we actually do begin to move on. Once we accept that it’s okay and normal to remember, to feel, to reflect, reimagine, we stop doing it as much. The more you try and fight it, the harder it becomes to stop thinking about.
Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it
I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it
I’m always going to reflect on different memories and occasions, different days, the good and the bad. This is not like Facebook memories that pop up. No, these are internal memories. I’m going to relive them, replay them, mentally even be in the same places and situations. Sometimes I physically feel like I’m reliving them again. I can still smell the same smells, I can still feel the same warm or cold air, I can still hear every sound that was around me, every word, every voice. It’s like literally sitting back as a third person watching it all on film, or even being there in person in the same exact situation again just a little blurry. Sometimes when I’m home it happens, or if I’m on the bus or train, or walking down the street. The most minuscule thing can trigger my memory and there it goes, playing right before me. I can hear all the sounds. All of it.
They say all's well that ends well, but I'm in a new Hell,
every time you double-cross my mind...
This is healthy. This is normal. We need to realize that we all do this. We remember good days and bad days even from grade school. Falling outs we had when we were twelve years old with kids that went unresolved all of these years. It was apart of our lives, apart of our history. That means even more so that those who were important to us and are no longer in our lives are going to live with us forever too.
The real peace we find is when we accept this and understand that it is okay and it is normal. It shouldn’t make you hopeless, it shouldn’t make you feel bad, guilty, or like you’re crazy.
I go back to the beginning of this blog. I was trying so hard to be open, to be raw, and to be honest. I hope at least that I accomplished that. So many times I said “this is the last time I’m talking about this” so many times I tried so hard to look strong. So many times I tip toed around it and brought up the same things over and over again.
'Cause there we are again when I loved you so
Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known
It was rare, I was there
I remember it all too well
Wind in my hair, you were there
You remember it all
Down the stairs, you were there
You remember it all
It was rare, I was there
I remember it all too well
I shared with you the mind of an insecure gay person who was reaching thirty years old and was trying to get over a breakup. Someone who was trying to heal from heartache and betrayals. Someone who tried so hard to get over it all that they made more mistakes down the line. Someone who ended up falling for men who were emotionally unavailable but were satisfying sexually. Someone who explored finding freedom and being alone during a pandemic and worked in it. Someone who learned to finally love and respect themselves enough to be able to walk away from men (or friendships) who were toxic or emotionally unavailable.
One day you will get older and you will find love again, and you will have a whole new life. But you will always carry a piece of people from the past in your heart. You can never let go of someone who you once loved completely. They will always hold a piece of your heart till the day you die. What matters is that you did the right thing. You did what was right for you. You let go. You learned to finally let them go, even if it was the hardest decision you ever had to make. Even if you have to live with the continuous memories forever and ever.
And it’s okay if you fantasize the “what ifs?” What if one thing didn’t happen? What if you cross paths again? What if someone gets sick and really needs you? What if you never even met? What if you meet again? What if he remembers it all too and constantly replays memories in his head as well? I mean I naturally think about all of these things with all types of people that came and went from my life. After an argument I always think of the things I wish I had said or should’ve said, sometimes years later, not only moments later…I always think about if I am the only one who thinks about it all...
And I was never good at telling jokes, but the punch line goes
"I'll get older, but your lovers stay my age"
From when your Brooklyn broke my skin and bones
I'm a soldier who's returning half her weight
And did the twin flame bruise paint you blue?
Just between us, did the love affair maim you, too?
'Cause in this city's barren cold
I still remember the first fall of snow.
And how it glistened as it fell...
I remember it all too well...
One day it all finally stops hurting. It stops killing you inside. It stops running your life. It stops being a nightmare. It all just becomes memories, that you will always live with and will always remember, all too well.
I am so thankful for Taylor Swift. A lot of her music saved my life and has inspired me. As I listen to these songs of hers, it just opens my heart and opens up my creative mind as I feel her song lyrics and how she delivers them in my soul.
I hope I can encourage others to try and use whatever music they love as a tool to feel whatever it is that they feel. Let it allow you to feel whatever you want to feel, be proud of it, and open up about it. Even if you keep it to yourself, validate yourself, let music help you do that.
Thanks for following me for the past two years! Let’s see where I end up next. For now when I think about the past, I'll always remember it all too well.
Happy holiday season, don’t make mistakes, reflect on the past, and prepare for new memories in the new year. New year means new opportunities! New dreams, new beginnings. Celebrate that you survived this year, it was another hard one. I've had many new opportunities and many disappointments this year. But like you, I survived. We did it! We made it! Hopefully it gets better from here on out cause we’ve been through enough! ‘Tis the damn season!
Louis Capici works in the health field and plays a role in saving lives. He writes on the side to express his views and thoughts on life.